Taylor Swift-- you know Taylor Swift--
she released a video for her song, "The Man."
She plays different male characters in full makeup,
and it was meant to make fun of male privilege.
♪ I'd be the man... ♪
SPADE: This is, like, every guy.
That's her. Now, that looks pretty good.
PETERS: She looks like Jake Gyllenhaal.
SPADE: It does look a little bit...
It looks like Luke Wilson, too.
Oh, look-- she can't throw.
Did you see that? She threw like a girl.
That's a giveaway. She goes...
(whooping, applause)
Take that, tennis guy!
-There it is. -TREGER: Get out of here!
(laughter)
-Eh...! -This looks like Hugh Jackman did Whole30.
That's who I thought that was at first.
-Paleo, dude. -I guess now men are all assholes.
-So that's nice, that's good. -SPADE: Yeah, everybody.
I think Taylor Swift makes a perfect white man.
She wins everything and still complains about everything.
-(cheering, applause) -So I think...
-SANTINO: Truth. Truth. -(applause)
-It is a little... -I wish you to laugh more than clap.
She's, like... it is... it feels anti-men,
because she's a billionaire.
It's not like she never caught a break.
You know what I mean?
She didn't grow up poor, either, you know.
Well, so, she says she's mocking white male privilege?
That's what this is? But they didn't show any of that stuff.
Like, there... it wasn't, like, opening a 401(k),
or, like, gentrifying a neighborhood,
or, like, waving to cops-- like, that would have been...
She says, "Hey, Officer!" That would have been it.
She doesn't know what white privilege is.
She has experienced it so much in her life.
She also thinks a rich dude takes the subway,
-which is great. -Oh, yeah, she's on the subway on there...
I feel like somebody told her to go (bleep) herself,
and then she became a man to go (bleep) herself.
-(laughter) -So she could...
(whooping, applause)
-And... -I would (bleep) both of these people.
Yeah. Let's look at a clip of that.
-Oh. I wish there was. -I do think she looks hot.
I think a lot of people are gonna question her sexuality.
-Yeah. -Or just me.
She's... no, she is very pretty. I've seen her out,
and I was like, "God dang."
But let's get back to making fun of her.
But, um.... but I don't want to get away from that.
The kids in the sweatshops making the shoes,
they should be making this video.
They've had the rough life. You know what I mean?
She, I guess she's saying...
men out there-- it's sort of an easy target.
The white man is the one to, like, get on...
-Yeah, leave us alone! -Yeah. We've had it.
-We've had enough! -I don't know, I love...
I can't take any... Oh.
(laughter)
(applause)
I don't want our run to be over, and it's over. It sucks, yeah.
-Yeah. -Well, I can't complain about anything,
but she can-- she makes a list of complaints.
I think you're right-- all of her songs
are a list of complaints, and she goes,
-"Put some music to these." -(laughter)
She was mostly mad that everyone kept calling her a slut,
but if she was Leonardo DiCaprio,
she could have sex with everyone and no one would care.
That's true. You know what?
I'm sorry there's no punch line.
-I just really love Taylor Swift, and I... -Yeah, you do.
-thrilled to be here. -I agree.
And I'm glad that you saw her in person.
Yes. We actually... we found the exact moment
where she started hating men.
It was a couple of years ago. There's a picture.
(laughter, applause, shouting)
I feel bad, 'cause she was so nice.
That's why I said I saw her in person.
She's so pretty. She was so nice.
She just started out, and Ellen had sent her
to this, uh, Grammy party to film and do bits about it,
and then she sat next to me,
and so we just made bits about everybody.
But she was nice, but, uh, we have to do the jokes.
-All right... -(laughter) -I'm more concerned
about your sideburns in this one.
SPADE: No, I look cool. I think I look cool.
SANTINO: You look cool. We have to keep telling him that...
-No. -(laughter)
-(applause) -Is this...
I... It's a little bit duck face, but good for me.
You look like a manager who's gonna steal her money.
-Honestly. -(laughter)
-So basically, a manager. -Yeah.
That's right before I said, "Taylor,
let's put all our money together in a pile and split it."
That didn't work. I wish it did.
Okay. Changing gears.
Uh, a man in Oregon was arrested
for buying some Girl Scout cookies
but he used counterfeit money.
-Him? No. He looks so nice. -(laughter)
You know, the guy tries to do a good deed,
-and it bites him in the ass. -Yep, yeah. -Yeah.
Is that Taylor Swift in the video?
-(laughter) -No, it's Joaquin Phoenix
in the live-action reboot of Cookie Monster.
-(laughter) -That's what it is.
I'm glad this guy eats cookies.
It looks like he ate his tentmate earlier that day.
-(laughter -He bought Tagalongs.
Now he's gonna be tagging along to jail.
-(laughter) -Yeah. Is it Lent?
What's going on on his forehead?
-It's Ash Wednesday, dude. -TREGER: Yeah.
-It's Meth... it's Meth Lent. -I don't know all the terms.
When I read that he committed a crime against the Girl Scouts,
I was relieved that this was it.
Honestly, I was expecting much worse.
-It could have been a lot worse. -I'm glad that he...
Those girls are little scam artists, anyway.
No. Those cookies are good! -They are. They're scam artists!
-Yeah. -You notice... do you notice
that it's only cute girls selling the cookies?
Where's the ugly ones? They're making the cookies.
-That's where they are. -PETERS: That's right.
-(applause) -No. Yeah.
No, Abigail. Yeah, we love your personality,
but you're bad for business, Abby.
You got to... squish 'em, just squish 'em together, kid.
-This guy's not any better for business. -No, no.
-He... -He looks like he, um, even if he's not eating cookies,
would have crumbs in his beard at all times.
I-I went to a...
I've had some counterfeit problems,
-but, um, I... -SANTINO: What?
If I go to Burger King and I give them a five,
they have to check it. That's how rough Burger King is.
I go, "Here's a five." They're like, "Uh-huh."
(imitates squeaking)
Marker. Then they go,
"We're gonna do a zip check on this."
(mouths)
"Just be a second. Maybe drive, pull over."