- They say you only roast the ones you love,
but tonight we said (beep).
(lively music)
(audience applauding)
Don't worry, Alec, nothing said here tonight will be meaner
than what you left on you daughter's voicemail.
(audience laughs)
(chuckles) Of course, Alec's true passion
has always been the theater.
Alec loves to hit the stage
because it can't press charges.
(audience laughs)
Alec used to be a belligerent drunk
before he became a belligerent sober person.
(audience laughs)
It's true, Alec had a substance abuse problem in the past
but he worked through it and hasn't done
anything of substance in 20 years.
Now Alec, sit back, unclench your fists,
and I promise this'll be the funniest thing
you've ever been a part of that Tina Fey
didn't carry you through.
(audience laughing)
- Robert De Niro is here.
(audience applauding)
Looking like Alf.
(audience laughing)
I can't even believe I get to share this stage
with you tonight, Robert De Niro.
And by this stage, I mean the final one of your life.
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, I don't feel right about any of this.
Caitlyn Jenner, I just wanna thank you
for all you've done for the trans movement
and the size 16 stiletto industry.
(audience laughing)
You were such an incredible athlete.
People forget just how fast you once ran
from your first family to go be on a reality show.
(audience applauding)
- I like that one.
- Seriously though, I know being a new mom is hard.
But even Casey Anthony knows the current location
of her daughter. (audience shouting)
- Oh my god!
- Okay.
Caitlyn, I know you've only publicly identified
as a woman for a few years,
but I just want you to know that I know
that deep down you have always been a (speaking muffled)
And uh... (audience laughs)
I spell it with a K, though, for you.
I'm such a fan of the Baldwins.
I've never been so sure that four people
have buried a hooker together.
(audience laughs)
In all seriousness, I wanna thank Alec.
In his memoir, he bravely admitted
that he had once considered suicide,
and I just wanna say that
that meant a lot to me 'cause I have also
considered your suicide and I have some ideas.
(Alec laughing)
I even know what I'm gonna wear.
- Larry Bird is here.
I mean Nikki Glaser is here.
- That hurts, Blake, that hurts.
(audience applauding)
- You know the only difference
between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser
is Larry could actually pass as 33.
(audience laughs)
- Devastating!
- Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here.
Give it up. (audience applauds)
But Caroline, if you're here,
that means Salem the cat must have turned us down, huh?
(audience laughs)
Sorry, Mr. De Niro, we know how much
you love that black pussy.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Caitlyn Jenner is here.
(audience applauds)
Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017,
finally confirming that no one in that family
wants a white dick.
(audience applauding)
- Alec, where are your brothers tonight?
God knows they're not working.
(Alec laughing)
Let's face it, no one wants to be here.
The person who went to the greatest length
to not show up tonight was Bruce Jenner.
(audience laughing)
- Yay!
- Caitlyn Jenner, proof that older women in Hollywood
get fewer parts.
(Caitlyn laughing)
Doctor Ken Jeong is here.
Did you become a doctor so you could find your own penis?
Because God knows no one else was looking for it.
(audience laughing)
Speaking of shrimp, I saw your special on Netflix
and did not know they filmed open mikes.
(all laughing)
(audience applauding)
Nikki Glaser, it has been driving me crazy all night.
Which 1970s male Olympian did you used to be?
(Nikki laughing)
Nikki, you're an inspiration on "Dancing With the Stars".
I had no idea you were deaf.
(audience laughing)
On your TV show, you asked your parents
if they had ever done anal,
and of course, they said, "After Nikki was born,
we only did anal."
(all laughing)
- You look like nine different races
all working together to make sure
you never win a championship.
(audience laughing)
Hey, Caitlyn.
You goddam hypocrite.
You're, like, against gay marriage.
You voted for Trump.
You're like the Auntie Tom of the trans community.
(audience laughing)
I mean, okay...
(audience applauding)
I mean, you did open the door for trans people,
but then you ran in and slammed that shit shut
behind your flat ass.
Robert De Niro, baby, it's an honor
to be up here with you, man.
(audience applauds)
Robert, man, you've given us so many amazing performances.
"Good Fellas", "Awakenings", but tonight, man,
it's gonna be the best one yet.
It's gonna be the old Italian man
trying to figure out trans pronouns
in front of a live studio audience.
(audience laughing)
- Ken Jeong, is it true your wife is named Tran Ho?
- Yes.
- Oh, I wanna meet her, I mean, I'm waiting, I can't wait.
I also want to say hello to Kendall's ex.
You don't even have to say his name.
It's just Kendall's ex.
Anyway, Blake Griffin.
Blake, Los Angeles to Detroit.
Let me tell you, I can tell you
a thing or two about switching teams.
(Nikki laughing)
Yeah, you're a nice boy.
It didn't work out between the two of you.
You're always kinda welcome
to come over to my home
and know that you're the second best athlete in the house.
(audience applauding)
Look, there's a lot of hate in the world.
But we can still laugh at ourselves,
and honestly, that's why I'm here tonight.
I've seen it all.
I've even gotten threats.
And I want other members of the trans community
to know that if I'm strong enough
to sit up here and be ridiculed all night,
that you can handle anything.
(audience applauding)
Except listening to Adam Carolla's podcast.
Oh, my god, it's torture!
(audience applauding)
Adam Carolla is so boring,
I've never seen a drier pussy in my life.
(audience laughing)
And that's coming from me.
- It is so great to be here.
I'm a judge on "The Masked Singer",
so it's nice to be on another show
where you have to guess who the celebrities are.
(Nikki laughing)
I look at Blake and I think hmm, orange is the new black.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Alec's wife is so young, he introduces them as 23 and me.
Now- (audience laughing)
Alec's daughter Ireland is here.
She might as well be named Zimbabwe,
given the distance between them am I right?
(audience laughing)
But we're really here to celebrate
the real star of "30 Rock" and "SNL",
but let's be honest.
Tina Fey said no.
Alec, no offense, but you weren't the star of "30 Rock".
And with De Niro here, you're not even the star
of your own (beep) roast, you know?
It's like, I'm sorry, you know what I mean?
(audience applauding)
And like, with Justin Bieber as your nephew,
you're not even the star of your own (beep) family.
This is like (chuckles), it's sad.
Sad, or whatever you do.
(both laughing)
- Hi, Dad, I'm Ireland.
(all laughing)
It's good to be here.
I almost didn't even know about it
because I haven't checked my voicemails
from my dad from the last, like, 12 years.
(audience laughs)
I actually have a lot in common
with the people on this roast because like them,
I don't really know you that well, either.
(audience laughs)
A lot of people only know my dad as an angry guy,
but he's more than some lunatic who loses his temper.
He also loses Emmys and Oscars
and custody of his firstborn child, am I right?
(audience laughing)
It hasn't been easy being the daughter
of an iconic movie star,
but I'm not here to talk about my mother.
(audience applauding)
Or her Oscar. (audience applauding)
A lot of people don't know this,
but when I was a kid, Caitlyn Jenner
was my middle school track coach.
You taught me to jump over the greatest hurdle of all,
which is my father's approval.
(audience laughs)
(Alec laughs)
Do you know what it's like having
a gold medal athlete as your track coach?
Blake, you get it, right?
You've disappointed a Jenner
that's completely out of your league.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Did he really date your daughter?
- Yeah. - He did?
(audience laughing)
- You should have married her
and now you're never gonna get a ring.
(audience laughing)
- What the (beeps) am I doing here?
(audience laughs)
Who the (beeps) are you?
(audience laughs)
Ann Coulter, everybody. (laughs)
(audience applauding)
Nikki is what's known as a dirty comedian.
And I don't mean her material.
I mean she hasn't washed her pussy since Memorial Day.
(audience laughs)
And now, for the only true movie star
on this stage, me.
(audience applauding)
Critics say I have a unique quality as an actor.
I actually like Alec Baldwin.
And I'm happy to be here for Alec,
but honestly, I'm here to teach Chris Redd,
Caitlyn Jenner, and Blake Griffin
how to (beeps) black women.
(audience laughing)
(audience drowns out speaking)
Here's an historical fact.
Alec's ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
Alec's great-great-great-great-great grandfather
was the first white man to punch
a Native American in the face.
(audience laughing)
That's a fact.
Now Alec is doing it to paparazzi.
And he doesn't care who he hits.
I once saw him take a selfie and punch his own face.
(audience laughing)
You've starred in huge blockbuster movies, Alec,
and now you're hosting a (beep) game show?
I'd say you're about a year and 1/2
away from doing commercials for reversed mortgages.
(audience laughing)
Alec, I wanna thank you for inviting me to do this.
Now "Rocky and Bullwinkle" won't be
the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.
- Sean, you have the face of a ventriloquist doll
and the ass of a much larger ventriloquist doll.
(Sean laughing)
Blake Griffin, my gift to you is bringing awareness
to whatever tragic skin disease it is you have.
(audience laughing)
You're a remarkable man, Blake.
I wish we were as close as your eyes are.
(audience laughing)
What devastating comment could I make
about Nikki Glaser that she hasn't already muttered
to herself in a mirror at Equinox?
(audience laughing)
- That's so true!
(audience laughing)
- Caroline Rhea, Caroline, I just love you.
You are so open and honest.
Backstage, she told all of us
she hasn't been laid in so long,
she went through Caitlyn Jenner's trash,
looking for dick. (audience laughing)
Caitlyn Jenner is an American gold medalist
who changed genders and somehow still managed
to be the least interesting member of her family.
(audience laughing)
Your strength and beauty are as hypnotic
as a Salvador Dali painting of Kellyanne Conway.
(audience laughing)
You look like a real doll
that's been (beep) a little too close to the fireplace.
(audience laughing)
(static crackling)