I have been traveling the world and will continue to do so with the message that it's okay to not be okay
Why is this my message? Because we live in a society today that is obsessed with happiness.
The message is that if there's something that's not okay with you,
Like you're not completely happy and perfect something must be seriously wrong with you
But today we're going to talk about a different pattern. We're going to talk about a barrier to happiness
Now this barrier is when it's not okay to be okay.
In human society envy is a reality of our emotional existence on earth today
Envy makes us feel less than
Envy makes us feel like we can't have something we desperately want but that someone else has
Envy makes us feel like there's a grand canyon between us and another person
Between us and what we want
This doesn't feel good
but what we do and we're unconscious is we simply react to that pain and
How do we react to that pain? In ways that we could consider is socially dangerous..
We try to remedy this gap between us by pulling them backwards trying to take away what they have that we don't have trying to
Prove that we're better than them treating them like the enemy who is hurting us
This sets up a dynamic in our society where even though we all want happiness and we all want success
There's a certain amount of social risk to getting those things
And there's a certain amount of social risk to admitting it when we do
Even though we could also say that it's pretty socially unsafe to completely fail and to be completely miserable
obviously those types of people end up drugged up in an institutions, so
Basically, even though there's a certain amount of unsafety there
There's a certain amount of social safety to talking about what's wrong with us and talking about what's bad about us
There's a certain amount of social safety and not being super happy or super successful
It guarantees that you will not be a target and thus avoid pain
But sometimes this social patterning goes much much deeper and much closer to our core than just this
overall atmosphere that setup within society and
When this is the case
It's really a matter of survival for us to stay not okay.
When most people have children they are not in a place where they have resolved all of their unresolved past wounding
They have children before any of that is done
in fact
one of the main universal reasons that children even happen is
So they can be the reflectors of the mirrors that show people their own unresolved aspects
so that ideally in the seeing of them a
Parent can line up with their own expansion a parent can heal those aspects a parent can realize their desires
Actually go in the direction of them
The shadows of the family line are passed on to be resolved through the progeny
But when parents are particularly unhealed like they are in a dysfunctional family
It's almost impossible for their children to needle them into their own expansion
They resist that expansion and thus make all of the relationships in their life
decompose completely and in this type of a family or with this type of an adult
Essentially what you see on the surface is not even close to what's happening underneath the surface the things that even they won't admit to
The parent may say that they want their child to be happy
But the child's happiness is actually a threat to his or her own sense of self. I
Will paint you a picture of what I mean?
I want you to imagine little girl who's super happy lying on the living room floor with her fruit snacks and toys
When the mother sees her daughter happy it reminds her of how happy she isn't. It reminds her of the way
She sacrificed her own ambition for the sake of staying home to raise this little girl
He reminds her of how she feels used and abused because while this little girl plays she has to clean the dishes and do laundry
She feels like she has no personal success and instead is expected to be a slave with no personal worth of her own
She actually feels like her daughter is leaving her behind and abandoning her
Emotionally when her daughter is happy and she is not. The pain wells up in her. She is not cautious enough to do anything constructive
With it or change anything about her life choices because of it
So she feels like this little girl is causing her pain
her subconscious rises up with vengeance the mom blindsides this little girl by shaming her for being selfish or withdrawing or
complaining to someone about her in front of her or
Telling this little girl something that would make her sad or afraid
All of this is done on the subconscious level to reestablish a sense of closeness with her daughter
But the message is clear. You cannot be close to me if you are happy
Closeness with our parents is what our survival depends on and so the child will give up joy for fusion with this person
When we grow up around adults like this, we learn that joy is quite literally dangerous
So we learn
that not being okay is the way to establish social closeness with the people around us
also
Not being okay is like a white flag that we raise for mercy. It's like saying no, no, I'm not okay, I'm not okay
I'm not okay
knowing that when people see that
Chances are that they will be manipulated into not adding more pain not targeting us
not punishing not going away and leaving us alone and
Maybe even be manipulated into doing something loving to us
if we grew up with this type of dynamic in our home then
Chances are we're pretty stuck because we also learned that we couldn't take
Being not okay too far in the opposite direction because why we live with a parent that's also going to take that personally
So if we get too unhappy, then they're gonna basically make us the reason for all of the problems in their life
We're going to become the scapegoat of the family
This parent lives their life from a foundation of shame so if we're miserable
Not being able to face the shame of feeling like they had something to do with that
They will deflect it and turn you in to the issue
They will use your unhappiness as a way to escape from their own problems and to meet their needs through other people's pity
To understand more about this dynamic. I encourage you to watch my video titled deflection the coping mechanism from hell
It's at this point that I have to tell you that yes
Unfortunately when some of us are unhealed enough our relationships and our family become a no-win situation
Our only way of stating socially safe is to stay right in the middle in this horrible little sweet zone where we're not
Okay and happy and we're also not too unhappy
Many parents with this pattern build their relationships with their children based on obligation
Therefore when something is wrong with the child out of a sense of obligation. They will come close to their child
Maybe even meet some of their needs but the second that that child is okay BAM, they're off doing their own thing. Thank God
I can go read or thank God I can go do my work or something else
Now what this child does in this scenario is they take the table scrap
of obligation as their only sustenance of love or energy coming towards them from the parent
Obligation becomes a substitute real love
They constantly create conflict or crisis or accidents to get those crumbs because the alternative they are looking at is emotional starvation
The thing that makes this pattern so difficult to see is that it's not that people who were caught in the social patterning as children
or even now currently in their life are
Acting as if they're not okay
They actually aren't okay
I mean the situations that have been going on in their social lives and relationships really our life are so painful that they
Genuinely have major major problems. They're genuinely in a hell of a lot of pain
So it's not about the fact that they're acting or staying there on purpose
It's that when they start to heal or when they start to go in the direction of happiness
Suddenly this huge resistance crops up this absolute terror
I mean dissociative level terror that what they are in fact headed towards is complete isolation
Punishment rejection
Any number of painful things it has been ingrained that being okay and happy means guaranteed pain
So they learned that there is a very safe but painful sweet spot called. I'm not okay
many people who grew up with this pattern in childhood learned to adapt to the type of
Parents or adults they had in their life that were like this
by
realizing something
the alternative way to creating closeness with this person is if I completely abandoned my own happiness for
theirs
That means when my parent isn't happier isn't doing okay. I
Scramble around to try to make them feel better. I scramble around to try to meet their needs
By doing so I make myself indispensable to this person. This is the origin of the rescuer complex
This child learns that their only Worth and value is to rescue their parent when they are unhappy
Now here's the thing
When this parent is happy or is feeling good
BAM that parents gone that parents like oh good. Thank God I can go off and do my own thing
I'll thank God now. I want to go X Y Z and so this child actually learns
That by the parent being happy they get abandoned
In other words I get abandoned if someone is okay
This person grows into somebody who unconsciously does one of two things in relationships
Either the second that somebody in their life is happy they vanish and withdraw because there's no worth that they serve and they risk abandoned
and in fact being connected to somebody who's in a good space or
They start collapsing people emotionally on purpose so that they will fall down and thus have the need to be rescued
so it's basically like somebody who kicks the legs out from
Somebody and then comes in as the rescuer for their very condition that they have created
This is the social patterning that occurs within a person who has learned this dynamic within childhood
The message that these people have received is no one could possibly want to be with them for them
the only reason that someone would want to be around them is to use them as an emotional buoy as
adults the people who learned it wasn't okay to be
Okay, and that the only way to have emotional closeness is to either be okay or for the other person to not be okay?
Find each other
They find each other like magnets and then they perpetuate this painful
relationship patterning in their adult relationships
We need to be aware of this emotional dynamic in order to change it
It is not possible for us to be happy and not be able to have closeness with other people
But let's just pretend in a parallel universe that it was actually possible
It's not really worth being happy if you're completely and totally alone
So unless we are conscious of this pattern. We will quite literally choose as a human race to keep ourselves back
completely for the sake of being close to one another we tend to project the idea that we had of our
childhood authority figures over the concept of the universe or God
the things that we expected from those people
Expecting meaning positive and negative. What did you anticipate is?
Exactly what you anticipate from the universe at large
So for many of us that grew up in this type of a situation
We will notice that the minute we become okay or happy, especially if we express that to someone
We're almost looking for some kind of universal hammer to fall down on our head to crush us completely
That's when we expect that. Something's gonna go wrong. Some curveballs going to be thrown. Some tragedy is going to strike
Well we have to get is that we don't feel like this because it's actually the way the universe is
Because it isn't the universe is in favor of your happiness and joy
In fact needs you to go in the direction of that for the sake of your and its expansion
What's happening here is that
people that you were in relationship with
were absolutely against your happiness and maybe potentially still may be, and
It is those people either that were in your life or are currently in your life
That are making it seem like every time you are happy some horrible thing happens
Because it is actually happening on
purpose
Subconsciously in truth connection and closeness should have absolutely nothing to do with being okay or not being okay
Whether a person is happy or not should have nothing to do with connection
They are two independent things, but in today's world with today's social shadows
We need to begin to let ourselves be connected and be happy at the same time
We need to stay connected whether we're happy or sad
Happiness has got to cease to be something that creates isolation or that we use to create isolation if
We make this change by becoming aware of this dynamic
Then what we are looking at is a world where it's not only okay to not be okay
It's okay to be okay
Have a good week