YOU TAKE YOUR JOB SERIOUSLY, RIGHT?
YOU HAVE FUN BUT YOU TAKE YOUR JOBS SERIOUSLY.
ALL OF YOU GUYS.
YOU'RE VERY SERIOUS MUSICIANS, RIGHT?
I TAKE MY JOB SERIOUSLY AS WELL.
BEING ON TELEVISION EVERY NIGHT, TALKING ABOUT THE EVENTS OF THE
DAY IS A SACRED TRUST THAT I WILL LEARN EVERYTHING ABOUT AN
ISSUE BEFORE EXPRESSING MY OPINION.
PROBLEM IS, I'M ON TV EVERY NIGHT.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I'M A BUSY MAN.
I CAN EITHER TALK OR I CAN KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE FACT STHE FACT REMAINS
THAT'S CORRECT A CAMERA AND THIS IS MY MOUTH.
SO I THINK I KNOW WHICH ONE I'M GOING FOR.
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S HOT TAKES.
WE'VE NEVER EVEN DEBATE IT BEFORE, AND PEOPLE ARE EXCITED.
LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING.
A HOT TAKE IS WHERE I'VE GOT AN OPINION RIGHT OFF THE BAT, AND
MY OPINION IS COMING IN SO FAST, IT'S LIKE A METEOR
PLUNGING TOWARDS EARTH, THE ABLATIVE HEATING OF FRICTION
OF THE ATMOSPHERE SCORCHING THE SURFACE ROCK UNTIL
ITS MOLTEN FLYING LAVA.
THAT'S WHAT THIS GRAPHIC IS SUPPOSED TO BE AND NOT, AS YOU
MIGHT HAVE ASSUMED, A FLAMING TURD.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE WORKING ON IT.
IT'S THE FIRST NIGHT.
WE'RE WORKING ON IT.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, FIRST OFF, FIRST OFF, LET ME JUST GIVE YOU THE RULES FOR A
HOT TAKE.
I CANNOT BACK UP ANYTHING I'M SAYING ABOUT ANYTHING I'M ABOUT
TO SAY.
NO INFORMATION.
THESE AREN'T JUST THE RULES FOR ME.
THEY'RE THE RULES FOR ANYONE ON TELEVISION WHO HAS TO HAVE HAVE
AN INSTANT, IF UNINFORMED OPINIONS, JUST LIKE ESPN ANCHORS
AND BEN CARSON.
I'M JUST YANKING THEM.
I'M JUST YANKING THESE IDEAS FROM WHERE THE HEN LAYS EGGS.
ALSO, FROM WHERE I DO.
I ASSUME I DUNNO.
I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, THERE'S EGGS IN THE FRIDGE.
AND I DIDN'T BUY THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) TONIGHT'S FIRST HOT TAKE:
PRISON.
LIFE BEHIND BARS IN A 6 X 8 CELL WITH A MANIAC FOR A ROOMATE
JUST GOT UNPLEASANT.
>> THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF PRISONS IS TELLING INMATES NO PORK FOR
YOU.
STARTING THIS MONTH, PORK WON'T BE SERVED IN FEDERAL PRISONS.
>> THAT MEANS NO MORE BACON, PORK CHOPS OR HAM.
THE BUREAU OF PRISONS SAYS THE DECISION WAS BASED ON A SURVEY
OF PRISONERS' FOOD PREFERENCES.
A A SPOKESMAN FOR THE PORK PRODUCER'S COUNCIL SAYS HE
EYEWITNESS NEWS IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT A SURVEY WOULD HAVE
A MAJORITY OF ANY POPULATION SAYING NO THANKS.
I DON'T WANT ANY BACKON.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I ALSO FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
THERE IS NO MAJORITY OF ANY POPULATION ON EARTH THAT WOULD
SAY "I DON'T WANT ANY BACON."
SURE, MUSLIMS AND JEWS CAN'T HAVE ANY, BUT I NEVER HEARD ONE
OF THEM SAY "I DON'T WANT ANY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
IT'S ALL MISPLACED BACON RAGE.
MY HOT TAKE-- I DON'T LIKE IT!
LISTEN, I NOT LIKE-- AGAIN, WE'RE WORKING ON IT.
I UNDERSTAND-- DON'T GET ME WRONG, I UNDERSTAND THAT PRISON
IS PUNISHMENT, BUT LIFE WITHOUT POSSIBILITY OF PORK IS CRUEL
AND UNUSUAL.
THINK OF ALL THE DELICIOUS FOODS THAT COME FROM A PIG--
HAM, PORK CHOPS, BACON, FOOTBALLS.
OH, YEAH.
IVE SUPER BOWL SUNDAY I PUT OUT A HONEY GLAZED PIGSKIN.
PRISON IS BAD ENOUGH.
PORK IS THE ONE RAY OF SUNSHINE THESE INMATES HAVE.
YOU MAY HAVE GOTTEN SHIVVED IN YOUR SLEEP, BUT AT LEAST IT WAS
THE SHARPENED END OF A BABY BACK RIB.
YOU CAN KIND OF TASTE IT THROUGH YOUR LUNG.
A LIFE WITHOUT BACON IS A SLOW, TEDIOUS MARCH TO DEATH.
MOSTLY BECAUSE THE BACON REALLY SPEEDS THAT MARCH UP.
NEXT UP AMERICA'S PASTTIME IS STILL
REELING FROM A CONTROVERSIAL SLIDE BY CHASE UTLEY OF THE.
L.A. DODGERS, WHO TOOK OUT THE METS' RUBEN TEJADA ON SATURDAY.
LOOK AT THAT!
HE WENT STRAIGHT AT HIM!
HEY, UTLEY, WHAT PART OF "DODGER" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW UTLEY IS A PARIAH, TEJADA IS
OUT FOR THE SEASON, AND TEJADA'S ANKLES ARE STILL BEING RECOVERED
FROM LOW EARTH ORBIT.
HERE'S MY HOT TAKE: MY HOT TAKE.
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
THAT IS A DIRTY SLIDE AND UTLEY DESERVES TO BE PUNISHED.
EITHER HE TAKES THE M.L.B.'S TWO-GAME SUSPENSION OR HE'S
LOCKED IN AN IRON MAIDEN BY.
MR. MET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I'M QUALIFIED-- I BELIEVE I
AM QUALIFIED TO MAKE THAT JUDGMENT BECAUSE I'M A FORMER
PLAYER.
I PUT IN MY YEARS ON THE DUSTY DIAMOND, THE OL' BATTING FLATS
GLOVE JUNCTION, AS WE CALLED IT.
IN FACT, NOT TO BRAG, BUT I PLAYED FOR TWO-TIME PEE-WEE
LEAGUE CHAMPION SNYDER'S ESSO.
YEAH.
BACKUP RIGHT FIELDER.
THE CATCHER OF THE OUTFIELD.
I NEED MORE-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) LOOK AT THOSE BRISKETS!
LOOK AT THAT!
YOU NEED MORE PROOF?
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS MY LITTLE LEAGUE TROPHY.
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOK AT THAT!
AND BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE AT THE VERY LEAST, UTLEY SHOULD
HAVE TO STAY IN THE STATION WAGON WHILE THE REST OF THE TEAM
GOES TO DAIRY QUEEN.
YOU JUST THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID, UTLEY.
THE REST OF US ARE GETTY PEANUT BUTTER PARFAITS, MAYBE DOUBLE
DIP SOFT SERVE.
I KNOW THAT SEEMS CRUEL, BUT AT LEAST HE STILL GETS BACON.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, MY FINAL-- MY FINAL HOT
TAKE, BELARUS.
THIS WEEK, BELARUSIAN PRESIDENT ALEXANDER LUKASHENKO WON HIS
FIFTH TERM WITH A LANDSLIDE 83.5% OF THE VOTE.
MEANING ONLY 16.5% OF BELARUS WILL BE GOINGv TO PRISON.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE-- SOME
WESTERN OBSERVERS ARE CALLING THIS ELECTION A SHAM BECAUSE
OPPOSITION LEADERS WEREN'T ALLOWED TO REGISTER AS
CANDIDATES AS OPPOSED TO THE AMERICAN SYSTEM WHERE EVERYONE
HAS TO REGISTER AS A CANDIDATE.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
NOW, I'M NO FAN OF LUKASHENKO, I'M NO FAN OF LUKASHENKO.
I'VE BEEN AGAINST HIM EVER SINCE I HEARD ABOUT HIM TODAY, BUT
SOMETIMES, DICTATORS HAVE GOOD IDEAS.
IN THIS CASE, HIS POLLING STATIONS HANDED OUT DOUGHNUTS
AND ALCOHOL TO LURE VOTERS.
DOUGHNUTS AND ALCOHOL SHOULD COME AS NO SURPRISE TO ANYONE
WHO HAS EVER SEEN THE BELARUSSIAN FOOD PYRAMID.
( APPLAUSE ) MY HOT TAKE: I LIKE IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I THINK WE SHOULD TRY IT
HERE.
ANYTHING TO GET MORE ELIGIBLE VOTERS TO THE POLLS.
REMEMBER, YOU'RE GETTING THE BOOZE AND THE DOUGHNUTS AFTER
YOU VOTE.
THAT NOT ONLY GUARANTEES THAT YOU'RE SOBER WHEN YOU PULL THE
LEVER, BUT IF YOU GET ENOUGH BOOZE, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER ABOUT
THE FACT THAT THESE WERE YOUR CHOICES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT?
ME, THESE GUYS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I THINK I'M VOTING FOR OSCAR WINNER.
J.K. SIMMONS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE--
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE HE WAS IN THERE.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM BEFORE.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK.
SO LET'S RECAP OUR HOT TAKES.
NO BACON FOR OUR PRISONERS.
>> Audience: BOOOOO!
>> Stephen: CHASE UTLEY'S SLIDE?
>> Audience: BOOOOO!
>> Stephen: IF YOU VOTE, YOU GET BOOOOOZE!
>> Audience: YAAAAY!