It's summertime,
that wonderful time of the year
when the sun is out, kids are playing,
and I sweat so much, my shirt turns into a map
of the Middle East.
My nipple is the Gaza Strip.
You don't want to go anywhere near it!
And on the hottest days, you have a few options.
You can hydrate, you can stay indoors,
or you could always go to the beach,
but only if you want to die!
NEWSMAN: Sharks. Summertime close encounters.
-Scares just feet from shore. -WOMAN: Out of the water!
In South Carolina, a shark in knee-deep water
just feet away from swimmers.
-MAN: My God! Oh! -(yelling)
And in New Jersey, a 16-foot great white
feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away.
NEWSWOMAN: This year, Hawaii has already seen
twice as many attacks as they did all of last year.
And just last week, this great white was tracked
near New York's Long Island.
When a white shark bites a person, it is a mistake,
because it thinks that that person is a seal.
(laughter)
W-Wait a minute.
So if a white shark's biting you, it's a mistake,
but if a black shark gets caught with just a little bit of weed,
it goes to jail for life?!
That doesn't seem fair!
(cheering, whooping, applause)
And also, what do you mean, if I get bitten
it's because I look like a seal?
So now I'm getting eaten and body-shamed.
Talk about adding insult to injury!
And if you're thinking, "No problem,
I'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe,"
well, good luck, sucker.
There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly
flesh-eating bacteria
found in warm waters.
NEWSMAN: Potentially deadly bacteria
can enter the body through a cut or a scrape.
According to the CDC,
the bacteria causes 80,000 illnesses
and a hundred deaths in the U.S. every year.
Just pay attention. Don't be afraid of the ocean,
but be aware of what's going on.
Be aware?!
It's bacteria!
What am I supposed to do, snorkel with a microscope?
At least with a shark I can hear the fin and the...
and the Jaws music, I can see the fin.
But flesh-eating bacteria is a silent killer.
Like Jason.
It's what I've always respected about him:
he's in it for the stabbing, not the chitchat.
(laughter)
Also, what's with these bacteria?
They never eat the flesh that I don't want.
How about instead of my leg,
why don't you guys take a nibble on my love handles?
That way you still get to eat,
and I don't look like a seal.
-(laughter) -So...
(cheers and applause)
So it's dangerous in the water.
It's dangerous close to the water.
And you think you're safe way up on the beach?
You better duck.
A warning about a surprising summer danger--
beach umbrellas flying through the air,
seriously injuring beachgoers.
TV REPORTER: In Ocean City, Maryland, in 2015,
a bystander filming as the wind picks up these umbrellas
and turns them into projectiles.
The video's wild
and the situation's incredibly dangerous.
TV REPORTER: Over the last ten years there have been reports
of over 32,000 injuries related
to umbrellas across the country.
Did you see that?
It's an umbrella uprising.
We always thought it was gonna be the robots.
We never suspected the umbrellas.
And who can blame them for organizing?
We treat them like shit.
They only get pulled out in the extreme heat or the rain.
We're never like, "Oh, it's a beautiful day,
my umbrella deserves a walk."
But on the plus side,
if you survive an umbrella impaling,
at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again.
So whether it's sharks or bacteria, or umbrellas,
everything on the beach wants you dead.
But don't worry, kids.
You can just simulate the experience at home.
Just turn off your air conditioning.
Stand in the tub with a piña colada,
and shove a fistful of sand up your ass.
Happy summer, everybody.