Here's five things you should never say to your teens, and three that you should.
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I'm a professional psychologist.
I've had decades of experience now working with teenagers, and they are fun
and challenging. I've got you on this, listen in as I share those five things you should never say,
and give you three things that you should. What's wrong with you? okay, that's something you should
not say to a teenager. Listen to everything that's wrong with that, we say it sometimes habitually,
what's wrong with you? Usually, what we mean is hey, the behavior I just observed
that you did doesn't fit with my expectation of what you should do as your parent,
right? That's kind of what it means. But when we say, what's wrong with you? That sends a
very clear message to our child to our teenager, that we believe something is wrong with them,
and really, it's not even a question it's more of a statement or a declaration. Let's just stay
away from that one, can we? here's the next one, why can't you, whatever. Why can't you just do
what you're supposed to? Why can't you be more like your sister? Why can't you, why can't you,
why can't you. Alright, psychologically there's some problems with this question because
it's not a question either. We're not asking them to explain to us the reasons why they're not
capable of doing whatever it is that we put at the end of that question, and what answer
would possibly satisfy you as a parent. If your teenager responds oh, because well, I have some
deficits or I have some disabilities, that don't allow me to do that thing.
You're not asking them, why can't you? But the implied message is you can't
because you are bad, you are an idiot. See, it's a very accusatory question, and it's not even a
question. Why can't you? Let's stay away from that one too. Here's the next one, I told you,
and whatever follows that. This is something that sets you up for rebellion. How do you feel
if somebody tells you what to do, and we do it all the time as parents I know, it's part of the gig.
But that message communicates I am here, you are here. You can't think,
I can. If you would just you know, come up to where I am, If you would listen to me.
If you would do, what I say that you should do, then you could be okay. Now, I'm overemphasizing
this on purpose, I just want you to connect with the possible impact that these kinds of phrases
can have on our teenagers. Here's a close cousin to that one. You have to or you need to. That's
where we're dictating and giving them instructions for what we think they should be doing, and even
if we're right which we are. I mean, let's face it, you've been around the block a few times as a
parent. You kind of know what your kids need to do to get along and be good citizens and have a good
life at least you are pretty sure you know, right? And you do, I mean, from your life experience,
you know some of these things. The problem with dictating that to teenagers, first of all,
they don't hear it. What they hear is I'm trying to control your life, and even though you're not,
that's kind of what they hear. I still remember a mom and her son, sitting in my office, son is I
don't know 14, 15 years old. He's over there in the corner on the couch, not happy about being
there at all, mom dragged him in there kicking and screaming, and she's going on and on and on,
about all these problems that she's seeing in his behavior. She winds down a little bit and
I turn to him and I say. So, what do you think the issue is? He almost comes out of his chair.
As he says she pointing to his mom is ruining my life, she wants to control everything about my
life. Well, then I come out of my seat, I'm like what's the deal mom, you want to control his life?
She's like no, heavens know I don't want to control his life, I want him to control his life.
In the way that she thinks that he should but notice the message that went across to him.
Anytime we as parents say you need to or you should or you have to, it communicates that
I'm trying to control your life at least to the teenager. Here's another one,
and I hope you have never said this. I hate you. Now, sometimes we communicate that in other words
but the tone of voice and the way that we put a disdainful look on our face or we're snarling,
that's the message that they get sometimes. Wow, how are you feeling so far in this video?
I'm like oh, this is rough. When we talk about all of these things these messages
that we sometimes inadvertently send. But they have that negative impact on our relationship.
Let's see, if we can identify some things that work instead. But before I get to that, I've got
a little bonus for you here today. My assistant Cindy that live on purpose is an excellent cook,
and she put together a compilation of five recipes that teenagers are going to love.
Do you want a copy of that? I got a copy of it. Because I think Cindy did a nice job with this,
just go grab it as a bonus. Go to the URL on the screen drpauljenkins.com/recipes and we'll put
those five recipes right into your inbox that are guaranteed to be a hit with your teenager.
Let's see if we can win you some points here. Now, let's move on to those three messages. Now, we're
shifting gears now, you know what not to say. Hopefully, you've been taking notes, or at least
mental notes, and here's the ground rules. No beating yourself up if you've used some of those,
we probably all have at some point or another. But just make a mental note of that let's move on to
the three things you should say to your teenager. These are powerful messages,
that align the control in a healthy way between you and your teenager,
and put you back into a position of a benevolent, generous, loving parent, which you are,
okay. Write that in your notes somewhere too. I am a benevolent, generous, loving parent and you are,
there's a lot of evidence for that. Here's the three messages. Number one, I love you no matter
what and even if. This is the most powerful message that you can send to your teenagers or
children of any age really. I love you no matter what and even if. There's nothing that you can do,
that will ever change that. I've got you right here, you like that message? You already can
get behind this, right? Because you've been tested on it. No matter what your child has done so far,
you still love them, don't you? Yeah, let's just be really intentional about that,
and that's one of our messages that we're going to send on a consistent basis. I love you
no matter what and even if. Here's your second message, hey, if you have any questions,
ask. Oh see, that's really different from you have to, you should, you need to, which comes
up against resistance. Instead, you're making yourself available as that benevolent, loving,
generous parent. Hey, if you have any questions, ask. I've been around the block a few times,
I've noticed some stuff. I've picked up on a few things, I'm happy to share any of that
knowledge with you but only if you want to hear it. I remember I've told kids this in my office
before. I've said, hey, I got some ideas about that, if you ever want to hear them
let me know, and some kids are like well, you're probably just going to tell me anyway. oh, no,
I don't want to bother you with something that you don't want to hear about. But I'm happy to share,
anytime you want to hear it. Now, notice I'm being very, very sincere about that,
it's not a manipulation to get them to ask me. I sincerely don't want to tell them,
unless they want to hear it at which point I'm open, I'm an open book, you ask me anything,
okay. So, that's message number two, if you have any questions, ask. Here's the third one,
this may be the hardest one. This might be the one that you feel a little resistant to as a
parent because you're so used to what you've been saying. Here's number three, good luck,
wait, what Dr. paul good luck. What do you mean? I'm just supposed to let them go out and make
their own choices. I would ask, what do you mean let them? Like you control that. I still remember
a mom as we're having this conversation, and her son is really struggling with some things over at
the high school. She says what am I supposed to do just let him fail? I'm like, what do you mean
let him? Is that really up to you, your job is to love him no matter what and even if.
He's going to go make his choices, he's going to have his adventures,
and you're wishing him luck on that adventure. Good luck. Now, you and I know it's not luck,
it's principle. As we live according to principle, we have a whole lot more luck, right? But that's
why you give those first two messages, I love you no matter what and even if. Hey, if you
have any questions, ask. Happy to share anything that I know. Good luck. Now, you get to smile,
you get to back off. You get to be the benevolent, generous, loving parent, that you are and
powerfully. Put yourself in a position to consult with your teenager. Those are three messages,
I want you to send. Those are three that will empower and save and enrich, your relationship
with your teenager, give it a try. Hey, remember, I promised you a little bonus, those five recipes
that Cindy put together for us. Five recipes that are guaranteed to be a hit with your teenager,
drpauljenkins.com/recipes we'll send it right over to you.