[Baywatch Intro Drums]
*Note: names in ALL CAPS are voiced by Allison; regular names are from the episode*
[Intro Drums Conclude]
EDDIE: Welcome back to Baywatching, everyone!
Now we've got to talk about some more boring, behind-the-scenes stuff!
And also how Shauni and I *totally* did it!
*stock punch sound*
*Eddie squeals*
Allison: That's right, folks, it's Season Two of Baywatch! But first, a summary of Season One:
MITCH: *chomping on innocent burgers*
Shark: *chomping on non-characters*
Allison: And, that's about it!
Hard as it is to believe, folks, *this* is when the show *really* starts getting good.
First, some backstory:
Baywatch Season One was helmed by NBC, who, as we covered earlier in Baywatching...
...had about as much faith in the show as Hasselhoff has chest-hair-wax, which is to say: none at all.
Just listen to these quotes from executive story editors Lee Goldberg and William Rapkin,
who ran some other show I never talk about...
Allison: But they were about to be proven...
...exactly right.
And the show was totally canned.
No, really! It was!
After season one, Baywatch was cancelled, and--were this not the Bizarro World--it probably would have stayed that way.
It looked like Baywatch was in need of rescuing of its own...
...and there is no one, NO ONE, who loves a save more than Mitch Buchanon.
The Who: YEEEEEEEAH!!!
Allison: Enter David Hasselhoff!
Entrepreneur Extraordinaire, Burger Enthusiast, German Idol, Savior of Canceled Shows!
For whatever reason, he really believed in this product...and bless him for it!
David Hasselhoff became an executive producer, and the show was picked up through syndication...
...with even less budget than before, and most of their funding being procured through product placement.
Allison: (But you'll hardly notice it)
Free from network interference, the show was able to be as stupid as it pleased!
Scripts were shortened, and it was decided that no matter what was shot, it had to be used--
--regardless of quality or what it added to the story.
Coincidentally, "stories" were done away with.
A year and a half later, Baywatch was back on the air and better than ever.
More importantly, they finally got the fucking theme song:
[Music]: "SOME PEOPLE STAAAND IN THE DARKNESS! AFRAID TO STEP INTOOO THE LIIIIGHT!"
Allison: Oh, Man, I cannot be more amped!
This is gonna happen every year folks, so here's who we lost in the between-season shuffle:
Cort is no longer a main character, but we will see him randomly in a short while, so hold on to your swimsuits.
Craig is done-zola--whether that's from budgetary concerns, or Parker Stevenson just wanted out, who knows?
Craig went to go creep on some other people for a while, but don't worry!
We'll see him again in seven years, since no one asked for it.
And because Craig is gone, so is Gina.
Sid is also--*Allison breaks into laughter*
Okay, I'm sorry, Sid was never a thing!
But who cares? I know you're all just waiting to see if Eddie's still around, anyway.
And, thank God! The little pants-wetter is still around for another glorious season! My otherwise terrible material is saved!
*Allison dramatically reads the title*
MITCH: Pretty spooky, huh, folks?
Allison: Oh, how did they change that title? Whoa...
New Baywatch body type: CONFIRMED.
...and, Eddie pees on Mitch.
MITCH: You little worm, I'LL KILL YOU!
Allison: A new NBC-less season means that this is essentially another pilot...
...and this one treads some new ground:
Instead of Mitch being promoted to lieutenant, he's up for promotion to captain!
And with a new haircut, and less poo-colored uniforms, it's a tempting offer...
...but, that also means more work, in addition to being boring for television, so Mitch has got to think it over.
Captain Thorpe: You know, it's a funny thing about decisions, Mitch:
They're often made for all the wrong reasons.
CAPTAIN THORPE: So don't ever make decisions. That's what I say!
MITCH: You are so old and wise.
...mostly old.
ALLISON: Meanwhile, journalist Kay Morgan grills this jerkhole senator about offshore oil drilling.
Baywatch has got an environmental message, yo!
Kay is a kind of...sort of...recurring character?
Like, every once-in-a-while-a-season, they'll remember she exists.
Also, she's played by Hasselhoff's then-wife, conveniently after he became an executive producer...
...but I can't be sure why she kept showing up.............
Newmie and some blonde lifeguard drive right into the middle of the press conference to show everyone the sea lion they found covered in oil.
I'd say driving right into the crowd was a little dangerous, but this was a pretty pathetic conference, I gotta admit.
There's upwards of ten people there!
Blonde Lifeguard: I'm here to release this animal back to her natural habitat!
BLONDE LIFEGUARD: A parking lot!
SEA LION: "ARARARAR! I'LL EAT YOUR FACE!"
[serene music]
Allison: A touching performance.
I really have no idea who this woman is!
Shark: *chomping sea lion*
[dramatic music]
[ominous pause]
[more intense dramatic music]
EDDIE: Shauni, can I borrow some wedding money?
*Shauni punching, Eddie whining*
Allison: Shauni's having some issues with her rich, disapproving father, who thinks her lifeguarding job is stupid.
He says she's "in a bathing suit on display for everyone", which just isn't true!
I, for one, agree with Baywatch's anti-exploitation stance.
Allison, scornfully: "I'M COLORS BLIND"?
More like, "I'M GRAMMAR BLIND"! Am I right? :D
Little Girl, offscreen: Jordan, don't do that!
[ambient music and sound]
Little Girl: *stern noises*
[Allison Stamp of Approval]
This Little Girl tries to stop Little Boy from spray-painting some rocks, which he claims is his "Homeboys' Tag".
Um, that's a tag? For what? The Scribble Gang?!
Too bad they didn't realize he was tagging THE ROCKS OF DOOM!
Little Acting Girl: Jordan!
*splash of doom*
["Careless Whisper" saxophone]
MITCH: Look what I found! Pretty impressive, huh?
Journalist: Help!
MITCH: Son of a bitch, don't you guys DARE steal my thunder!
MITCH: Give me that!
Allison: It's nice of the boom mic to make an appearance!
The woman Mitch rescued tells a harrowing tale of being stranded at sea
after her boat captain was killed by something under the water, which in turn sank the boat.
Luckily, Journalist McTactful is there to get the Beach Scoops!
Kind Lifeguard: And I'll be back in just a minute, okay? Good.
JOURNALIST MCTATFUL: Who are you?
Allison: Hey everyone. Listen to the sweet Baywatch Double Entendre:
Journalist McTactful: Are you always fed?
Mitch: As often as possible!
Allison: Kay asks Mitch Von Malibu what he thinks about the possibility of sea monsters...
...which he promptly makes fun of.
I mean, that'd just be *stupid*.
Mitch: Greg, buddy, we haven't got all day!
Can you give me some more throttle?
MITCH: Give me some more throttle, Shippy! Greg! Jim! Whatever your name is...
[Rescue Boat Music]
So it's off to look for sea monsters!
Mitch and whoever the hell this is:
Whoever the H This Is: Just in case.
Mitch: Just in case.
Allison: Mitch, you don't have to have a dick size competition with her! She's not equipped with one!
They pad the episode out with some diving footage, and find the body of the captain, who died in the stupidest pose he could think of.
Allison: (excited) Say, folks!
(Less excited) Would you like to meet Harvey?
(Strained) He's the WORST.
Harvey: *gibbering*
Harvey: *roaring*
Harvey: I'm a toxic mutant jellyfish oozing out of the water to seek my revenge!
Hey, the T-shirt rights alone are gonna be worth six figures!
Allison: UGGHH...
Allison: (recomposed) Okay, so let me get this straight, guys:
You're gonna introduce us to a new main character...
...by having him cover himself in syrup and plastic forks...
...and come up with a business scheme to profit off of something that killed one dude and traumatized a young woman for life?
And he's supposed to be the *comic relief*? You chuckleheads...
Oh, and also, this kid in the not-so-subtle helmet covered in sponsor stickers?
Well, meet the new Hobie!
He's new and improved! He's inexplicably de-aged!
HOBIE TWO: Dad, can I be a syrup monster?
MITCH: Shut up, Hobie Two! Don't think I can't replace you just as fast as the last one!
HOBIE TWO: Am I Fred Savage yet?
Allison: Speaking of odd doubles...
*Dramatic Chipmunk Music*
Allison: It's Lifeguard Day-Before-Retirement! Back from the dead!
I mean--*a totally different character*...
In that, the only difference is that he's named Ben and he's alive...
They're really racking up an impressive list of new main characters here.
"BEN": Who the hell is this blonde woman?! Who am I?!
*oldly* I'm sooo old!
Allison: Montage of Harvey selling Sea Monster T-shirts!
*strained laugh*
Harvey, you're the worst!
But now the real tragedy of the episode:
Mitch burns dinner!
MITCH: There was time! THERE WAS TIIIME!
Hobie Two: Gotta love him!
Allison: No, really. Seriously! They just did that.
They really did...God bless this poor child actor!
MITCH: *gasps* I just had a horrible dream that I burnt dinner!
Allison: Mitch, a fireplace, a traumatized victim? Saaay...
Meanwhile, a boat is sunk by something mysterious...
CREWMAN: Flip yourself off the boat for some reason!
Scoops O'Neil and her gang are determined to prove that this was, in fact, caused by a sea monster--what every hard-hitting journalist wants to report on.
*literal nails on a chalkboard*
CAPTAIN QUINT(?): I don't want no volunteers. I don't want no mates.
There's just too many captains on this island!
$10,000 for me, by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing!
Mysterious Voice: "I will catch this creature for you!"
[possibly racist chimes]
Allison: (annoyed) Okay, guys, you can't actually do it after I make the joke!
Allison: (EXCITED) Newmie fighting a dude with a shotgun! A-mazing!
Allison: (puzzled) ...which What's-Her-Face finds really hilarious, apparently.
Allison: (back to normal) So, everyone has trailed some mysterious human-sized monster footprints to a storm drain...
...which matches the description of something that could sink a big boat, sure.
Mitch: This is ridiculous.
*echoing roar*
Allison: Could it be a g-g-g-ghost?!?!
Well, it was the Home Boys! Solved it!
*echoing roar*
Hobie Two: Gotcha!
Allison: Hobie Two was murdered soon after that. Nothing of importance was lost that day.
Lifeguard What's-Her-Name: You have to admit, Mitch, it was clever.
Mitch: It's no time for a practical joke, Hobie, no matter how clever!
Allison: Fake footprints and a boombox?
Oho! Clever! That 10-13-or-12 year old is going places!
Lady Letter: "If you look on the mantle, you'll see a picture of you missing. I took it, so I can look into your eyes and remember how you calmed me."
"Think of me next time you rub Hobie's back." [sic]
Allison: Okay, so victim lady stole his shit and then wants him to think about her when he's touching his son?!
Uuuugh...
Speaking of fathers: Shauni's got something to prove to hers.
Little Girl: Who's that?
Eddie: Her father.
Little Girl: .......oh.
Allison: Oh. Huh. Kind of the audience's reaction.
Allison Boom-Mic Spotter: Not even trying, guys!
SHAUNI: Dad! You don't understand what I do!
You missed my whole subplot about helping a couple of poor inner-city kids from a bad neighborhood!
I fought a gang, Dad! A gang!
SHAUNI'S DAD: Oh, welll, I suppose I approve, then!
*stuffy rich dad noises*
Here's a hundred dollar bill to dry your tears!
Allison: Meanwhile, in the promotion plot you all forgot about:
Lifeguard Old Fart convinces Captain Thorpe to stay captain and promote him to lieutenant, thus leaving Mitch to do what he does best.
So, essentially, he weaseled his way to a promotion at Mitch's expense...the crafty devil!
Kay Scoopington relays to Mitch that she discovered the monster hunter to be working for the senator's stooge
thus connecting the oil and the monster plots...
and also my previous Ninja Turtles joke with the fact that the hunter guy was Shredder in the second one!
well
Well, it turns out the "sea monster" was the obvious suspect all along:
A minisub with a giant claw, held by the Shredder in an attempt to...
...drill oil or something?
Fortunately for Mitch, Sam Beckett leaped in and saved him from a clawful death
But unfortunately got What's-Her-Face killed instead.
A life for a life...
["Taps" plays mournfully for the Unknown Lifeguard]
MITCH: All I've gotta say is:
I did great today!
[everybody claps]
Allison: Next time on Baywatch:
Garner and Mitch rescue a hot marine biologist from a psycho! Also, Harvey is the worst.
[outro music]