a portion of this video is sponsored by
growth google
i'm done with self-help and the way it
makes me feel and i'm done with trying
to turn myself into some idealized
version of what i should be
i want to share the truth of what i've
learned from this journey i've been on
the truth of how self-help can become
brainwashed if you aren't careful i
believe i found something else that i'd
much rather fill my life with than
self-help and that is why i'm making
this video
hopefully this way you can avoid making
the same mistakes as me
it's important to remember that i too am
figuring all this out as i go along
so here's my little trip through the
land of self-help and where i am now
i was probably six years old when i
first heard the name tony robbins my
definition of success changed through
the years my parents when they were in
their 20s and 30s were the og
self-developers
this idea of self-improvement really
intrigued me i wanted to become a better
version of myself i feel like falling
into self-help was inevitable for me
because i've always wanted to get as
much out of life as i possibly can and i
feel a lot of urgency about doing as
much as i can before i die
but the thing that i'm learning is that
i'm equipped with way more than i
realized i've been underestimating
myself and i think most of us are and
it's becoming clear to me that many of
the answers that i'm looking for to my
questions can be found within me and not
within the self-help books that i've
been buying and reading endlessly before
i go any deeper into my deconstruction
of self-help there's a really important
point that i want to make and it is that
at the crux of everything that i do and
say and try to embody honestly is one
word curiosity how to cultivate it and
not lose it in a world that sometimes
tries to squash it out less this is
not straightforward you know i struggle
with this sometimes curiosity is
ultimately the fuel that has allowed me
to have this lifestyle which is why i
wanted to talk about growth google who
are sponsoring this portion of the video
growth google was created in 2017 to
help ensure technology brings economic
opportunities to everyone which i think
is really cool if you've been following
the channel for a while then you know
that i'm a huge huge believer in online
learning this kind of brings me full
circle back to my point on curiosity
which is that you know my curiosities
have led me to develop the skills that
allow me to
do the things that i'm doing right now
traveling and creating things on the
internet google career certificates can
help you develop in-demand skills that
employers are looking for things like
data analytics ux design and project
management so you can start or advance
your career and you don't have to have
the relevant experience nor is a degree
necessary this is basically online
learning that gives you a tangible skill
to build off of the thing that i love
about it is that it's flexible so you
can learn at your own pace so if you're
interested in learning more i'll leave a
link in the description below thank you
to grow with google for sponsoring this
portion of the video it's amazing to
have that kind of support so that
projects like this are possible all
right
back to self-help
i want to draw out what self-help has
looked like for me over the last few
years and how that has evolved and
changed i think a lot of us seek out
self-help because it feels like there's
something missing in our lives there's
not enough of something of some kind and
it's hard to pinpoint it or put your
finger on it exactly but i'm gonna make
that argument that there's something
missing and that that is what pulls a
lot of us into this world maybe you
don't even realize it i mean i certainly
didn't it's difficult to articulate it
exactly but without realizing it i felt
broken incomplete and in need of fixing
consciously or unconsciously this is
what i used to believe
this is me i am right here this is where
i need to be and this path right here is
what self-help is reporting to help me
do this is my journey of self-help i'm
going to call this the self-help
proposition on this journey of trying to
get there to this particular place at
first i really thought it was possible
which was this place that i kind of
invented in my head where a lot of the
problems that i had with myself would no
longer exist and slowly over time
it sort of dawned on me that i was never
going to fully get there but that didn't
stop me from trying the tricky thing is
if you enter the world of self-help with
the wrong mindset which let's be honest
a lot of us do it sets up this dynamic
where if you don't get there if you
don't make it to that spot that
destination that goal you're a failure
you didn't accomplish what you set out
to accomplish now why am i suggesting
that a lot of us don't have the right
mindset a healthy mindset when going
into the world of self-help if you were
perfectly content with your life there
would not really be much fixing
that would be necessary if you were
satisfied with your life self-help would
be kind of meaningless there's not
really any point to it
the real problem i'm coming to discover
is not that i need to push myself harder
it's self-judgment
the thing that i could feel myself
lacking is any kind of self-compassion
and this is the true irony of self-help
that it became the very thing that got
in the way of my curious nature and
desire to learn and grow
it made life about winning and losing
about goal setting and goal achieving
and if you don't make it you're a
failure
it's impossible to hit 100 of your goals
so this is almost like an inevitable
reality and in that case your self-help
isn't helping it's just
selfie and something isn't a word
actually i take that back it is a word i
know that because i looked it up but
it's only a thing that flowers do
because it's another word for
self-pollination uh and i hate to break
it to you but you aren't a flower sorry
anyway i call this the self-help
conundrum now here's the thing i think
it's a little bit tricky to articulate
because you don't fully understand this
conundrum until you've kind of gone
through the experience because you know
when you start self-help usually it
feels really good kind of works for a
while
and that might be
a day a week a month a year it offers
some potential to getting out of a rut
or thinking about things a little bit
differently but i think that kind of
feeling of oh i feel good oh i'm on the
right track i'm making progress that is
addictive and we get glued to that you
know maybe you get into deep work or
waking up early or cold showers or
whatever tracking your habits but in my
experience
nobody can do that perfectly and
certainly not forever life happens life
gets messy
we're irrational creatures
were emotional
things happen things change things are
sometimes inexplicable it's hard to
understand fully what's going on within
me sometimes and the tricky thing is
that
when you fall off track
eventually
that's where things really get
interesting what exactly do you do when
you don't hit your goals do you feel
guilty do you punish yourself do you
pity yourself do you procrastinate even
more now all of a sudden you're back
here like you're moving backwards and
i'm not saying that you're actually
moving backwards it's more so this
feeling it feels like you're moving
backwards because these goals that we
create can so easily become moving
targets you want to get there but there
can change because as soon as you hit a
goal you're going to need another goal
to chase after because you're going to
quickly realize that that didn't fix all
of your problems i think it becomes too
painful to accept the current reality
of our highly imperfect selves that we
all have
so many deep-seated fears and
insecurities and that this kind of
search for comfort and security
is kind of an illusion you can't
ever create the ultimate fortress to
protect yourself
from feeling bad sometimes this is what
i call the self-help trap this is the
painful truth that i've had to face on
multiple occasions throughout my life
but particularly when i was 21 years old
feeling like i hadn't accomplished
anything feeling small and invisible i
was comparing myself to these other 22
year olds that felt like they were
really really successful somebody that i
met on set once
who was a dp
really young i mean only 22 years old so
a year older than me and he had already
filmed like tom hanks i was just like oh
my god i haven't accomplished anything
in my life now this isn't a sob story
i'm not saying for me i think i live a
very lucky life it's just the reality of
these kind of unhealthy mental spaces we
can fall into of comparison of
competition
of trying to be enough or never being
enough there are millions of people out
there that feel behind in life
maybe you're one of them i know i
certainly was i know that i certainly
still feel that way sometimes
look i was on a crusade to get rid of
all uncertainty in my life so that i
could feel safe and in control
but what this was doing was squashing
all room for excitement and adventure
the truth is we're never fully in
control in life that's just an illusion
and it never works to fight against that
reality
so what happened
well somewhere along the way i got a
little lost ultimately what i'm trying
to describe
is this kind of internal prison that i
created for myself
because of self-help
this didn't exist before the self-help
or i should say i feel like self-help
exacerbated it made me kind of obsess
over these things think about them way
more than i ever used to the whole time
that i was focused on getting
there i forgot entirely to look in any
other direction
turns out the diagram i think it should
look something more like this
i'm going to call this the self-help
illusion now here's the fascinating
thing about all this along the way
throughout my experiments there were
these other things that kind of popped
up that really struck me and
changed me changed my perspective of the
world without me even fully realizing it
i think that
i've been seeking out adventure all
along without even fully realizing it
it's been that that has motivated me to
create and share things with the world
not being disciplined or rigid this has
all come from a curiosity that i have
for life that i can't even fully
describe
life is this like beautiful beautiful
thing that i want to share with the
world
that is that thing when i treat it like
an adventure while i wasn't even looking
these experiences these adventures that
i went on were doing something that no
self-help could ever do they were making
the bubble that is my life bigger what i
come to realize is that life becomes
more expansive the more open and relaxed
that you are and that's what i want i
don't want to have a perfect life that
is just you know well-oiled systems and
optimized productivity
i don't want any of that i want an
expansive life i want to live a rich
life what self-improvement was doing was
making me rigid it was making me a
square it's kind of going against this
kind of spontaneity and this sort of
adventure i think i know now what i was
looking for when i first entered the
world of self-help i think what was
lacking was a feeling of belief and a
sense of meaning and i think both of
those things weren't there before and i
felt like i
desperately wanted them and those things
i think have come
sully
with time with experimenting with things
including self-help
and realizing that i don't need to turn
myself into a machine i don't need to
create the person that i think i need to
be i can just be the person that i am
that sounds so cheesy but it's true
there are so many ways where i could add
a clear moral at the end of this and
kind of make it self-helpy there's a
saying that comes to mind that i heard
many times while growing up that may or
may not have come from john lennon i
think quotes are misattributed all the
time life is what happens to you when
you're busy making other plans but the
truth is there isn't a whole lot of
point in saying it i don't think people
could have told me that a million times
and i still wouldn't have gotten it i
think i had to live through these
experiences to get to these conclusions
that i'm at now i'm still learning what
it means to live presently and i suspect
i'm going to be saying that for the rest
of my life
i'd just like to publicly say that i no
longer have a morning routine i took
cold showers for a year really enjoyed
it and then stopped and i still do it
occasionally but i had to stop as soon
as i started feeling bad about not
taking them it became this thing that i
had to do instead of
enjoyed doing and
all of a sudden it didn't really make
any sense anymore for a long time i
bullet journaled and really believed in
bullet journals but at this point in
time i don't do it anymore i journal in
other ways all of those things were very
important to a younger me who was at a
different stage in life and that's okay
i'm just no longer at that stage anymore
where this channel is going so basically
what i'm saying is
there was a stage in my life where i
needed self-help where i was fascinated
by self-help and
my attention and energy have now shifted
elsewhere this doesn't mean i'm going to
stop working out or eating well or
trying to live a balanced life it just
means that i'm no longer trying to fix
myself i don't want to behave in a way
that sort of implies that i'm broken
this is why i've been talking so much
about anwar fatih this year about
loving one's own fate loving everything
that happens to you good or bad you know
those are just subjective terms and i
like that phrase so much that i'm using
it to replace the use of my search for
mental clarity i don't want to use that
anymore i think that served me well it
had its own time and place but i have
always been more interested in exploring
my fears i don't think i'm ever going to
want to stop learning new things
but i think the difference is
that i don't want it to be a means to an
end just the simple act of learning new
things has its own value you know what
happened to appreciating the journey and
i want to see more of the world i don't
know if you guys have noticed but a lot
more of my videos lately have been
tied to travel and i'm on this mission
right now to go to every european
country i've found that a lot of amazing
adventures spring up when i go to places
with no expectations so you can expect a
lot more of that moving forward to mark
all these changes i have launched a new
website with a new logo a fresh design
and everything and i would absolutely
love to hear your thoughts on all of it
i think as a final thought to end all
this
i just wanted to say that
i feel like i have a lot more to offer
life when i don't treat it as this
constant competition or performance so
anyway thank you so much for watching
this video i'll see you guys soon
you