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*solemn piano music plays* link to all music is in the description
Raise your hand if you've cut a parent out of your life, raise your hand if you know someone
who has. Chances are there are a few hands up in the audience right now and that's not surprising
since the growing number of adult children choosing to either distance themselves from
their parents or break up with them permanently has risen in recent years. In the 2011 article No
Longer on Speaking Terms: The Losses Associated with Family Estrangement at the End of Life the
author references the 1997 study which showed that seven percent of adult children are estranged from
their mothers and 27 from their fathers. In another article entitled Family Estrangement Establishing
a Prevalence Rate, a survey was conducted with 354 undergraduate and graduate students at
universities in the northeastern U.S and found that 44% of these young adults experience an
estrangement. And though we're talking more about estrangement nowadays it's important to note that
resentment between parents and children and family members in general have always been a thing but
just talked about behind closed doors. And even if someone felt like cutting off a parent just
a few decades ago societal pressure and stigma would hold that failing relationship together
because family is family after all, there's nothing you can do about it. But in recent
decades we've become more open to talking about it and have created art to help adult children
cope with bad parents and real life public figures have delved into their familial struggles to let
us know that those who want to cut ties with their parents or family members are not alone.
From Princess Diana's 1995 interview, to Harry and Megan leaving the royal family in 2020, to Britney
finally becoming free in 2021, to Jennette McCurdy's best-selling novel I'm Glad My Mom Died published
this year, we're finally at a point where we can talk about when the family you're given
just doesn't work out, and I think that's amazing. As someone who's experienced my own estrangement
I thought it would be interesting to delve into the causes and why is becoming more common in
order to take the stigma away from being an adult child estranged from one's parents and also to
start a conversation and community for those going through something similar to know you're not alone.
And for those of you who may not understand where adult children of strange families are coming from
I think Jennette McCurdy put it best when she said "unless you've experienced abuse from your parents
you'll never understand it." So with that said let's dive in. The Causes. The parenting for brain website
details three causes for estrangement which they garnered from a large study involving
898 estranged parent-child pairs first there's interpersonal issues, or in other words a child
might sever ties with a parent if they dislike their personality. For example if a parent
exhibits narcissistic tendencies, is unsupportive, or has a difference in values or beliefs a child
is likely to cut them off, specifically if they're unsupportive of their identity - whether it be their
gender identity, sexual orientation or religion. The second reason is intra-family issues which
result from negative behavior from a parent. The behaviors listed include abuse, manipulation, and
both a distant parenting style as well as in an emeshment parenting style or a lack
of respective boundaries which leads to a loss of autonomous development. The third reason is
inter-family issues or issues outside side of the parent-child relationship. If a parent objects to a
relationship their child is in or vice versa, if the child doesn't want to be around the
parent's new spouse for example estrangement might occur. As you can see there are many reasons for
estrangement ranging from a dislike to a parent's personality to the behaviors they exhibit and
things get even more complicated because those two things personality and behavior tend to overlap.
Like a parent with narcissistic personality disorder also probably exhibits erratic behavior
and has a parenting style that could be abusive emotionally and physically. Usually there is no one
sole cause of an adult child leaving a parent or parents generally it's a multitude of things that
build up over time, and only with time can the child see how they're being treated is unjust
as well as garner the vocabulary to start voicing their thoughts. Estrangement is usually something
that happens very abruptly for the parent, but for the child it's been years in the making. Why is
estrangement becoming more common? Now let's answer why this phenomenon is becoming more common than
it was a few generations ago. Number one knowing your worth. Adult children are realizing their own
value that they deserve more and don't have to put up with people who they don't like. The sense that
we're obligated to remain close to our parents and family in general simply because they're our
family is slowly being reevaluated. Back in the day adult children were raised to be indebted
to their parents. They fed clothed and housed you and therefore you owe them things that you never
asked for. That's how family worked. Even if you hated the hell out of your mom she's still your
mom, and that sort of thinking is just outdated in today's world. Though many people still might
live by this principle I think most adult children nowadays know that they don't need to put up with
someone just because they chose to raise you. Older generations might call this entitlement.
"Young people are so entitled nowadays how dare they think they deserve to be treated better by
their family." Familial struggles and resentment is so normalized in the media and in society as a whole
that it's just seen as a part of life hating your parents is a normal phase for teens to go through
but don't worry you'll grow out of it. But what happens when you grow up only to realize that you
are right to dislike or even hate them all along? What happens when adult children realize their
parents aren't as great as they thought they were, when they realized hey my dad kind of sucks as
a human being. And sometimes they always knew but didn't have the language to express how they felt
or wanted the relationship to continue out of guilt or out of the societal pressure we put on
kids to stay filial to their parents. And it's not an easy thing to do - cutting off one's parents - who
most children still tend to harbor some affection for, but many times it has to be done because
at the end of the day their relationship isn't benefiting anyone. It's a fake relationship and
who wants that? Ironically I do think many parents would be fine going about as usual and acting as
if there's nothing wrong. Some parents might even be content in this false reality because
it at least keeps up the appearance of normalcy but young people today just don't have time for
that and can you blame them? Many parents think that their children owe them what was promised
to them in the media - a happy family - but a happy family doesn't pop Into thin air, it takes decades
upon decades to establish and a lot of the time parents just don't want to put in the work. When
children grow up and turn into adults themselves they're able to see their parents for who they
really are and they either like what they see or don't and when they don't that's when it comes
time to make a critical decision, stay or go, and some stay and some go. Number two the dissolution
mint of the happy family. The idea of the happy family is one that is disillusioned from an
early age when you grow up with a bad parent. This usually happens when you see other kids and their
parents and their dynamic is nothing like yours with your own parents. You see a child and parent
relationship that isn't transactional but based on mutual love and respect. You see their parents
showing up and sticking to their word, a parent who doesn't complain that it's parent-teacher night or
that they have to go to your choir concert and sit in all that traffic, an adult who is well adjusted
and emotionally mature and then you realize, huh my parent is nothing like that and in fact my
parent mocks those parents who are put together in order to deflect from their own insecurities.
Growing up with a lesson stellar parent means that you begin to put up walls distance yourself and
try to protect yourself from them as much as possible. In many ways estrangement is a form
of self-protection. And then one day you're able to either try to establish boundaries with the person
or just leave them all together. Like I said earlier, to parents an adult child making
the decision to leave the relationship can feel out of the blue, but to the child it's been
years in the making, and it's up to the adult to either reflect on their actions that push
their child away or to continue to blame their child or others for the fallout. Number three
the bare minimum isn't enough anymore. It might seem strange that there's been a rise in parent
child estrangement in recent years since parents appear to be more hands on than ever, however this
presentness in their children's lives is usually self-serving, either to show off to others in a
keeping up with the Joneses type of way or to fulfill some sort of deep-seated insecurity the
parents have in their own life. But as Joshua Coleman wrote for The Atlantic, "Parents don't
typically see their behavior as contributing to the estrangement, they often believe another
person such as the adult child's partner or other parent turned their child against them.
In addition many fathers and mothers tell me they feel betrayed by their children's lack of
availability and responsivity, especially those who provided their children with the life they
see as enviable compared with their own childhoods. As the University of Virginia sociologist Joseph
E. Davis told me, parents expect a reciprocal bond of kinship in which their years of parenting will
be repaid with later closeness." But this type of closeness isn't given it's earned, only through
years and years of love support and respect can a parent and child relationships thrive. Doing the
bare minimum isn't enough anymore and frankly never was. We're realizing a relationship based
solely on the idea that you owe me something for doing things I chose to do just doesn't make sense.
We need more. We need our identities validated our interests supported and personhood respected.
Many adults don't believe in respecting children because they're children they're better seen and
not heard a sentiment I heard both ironically and unironically growing up. Number four mental health.
Adult children are also choosing to leave their parents more nowadays due to the rise in mental
health awareness. We're putting our mental health first and if that means cutting out a toxic parent
who we feel worse after talking to then so be it. Adult children today are also better versed
in the language of mental health. We now have the language to express the way made me feel towards
our parents that previous generations might not have had. Many older people parents see this as
another form of entitlement, how dare we put our happiness ahead of our parents, but why stay in
a relationship that makes you miserable? Why stay in a relationship that in the end benefits neither
party and just fuels resentment? In the end children are not responsible for their parents
happiness. Number five family is always changing. Lastly we're learning more and more nowadays
that family is more than just people who you might have grown up with or who have raised you, family
isn't a permanent state it's something that can grow and expand as you age. You can find your own
family of people who want to be around you, not out of obligation expectation or some sort of
social contract, but because they genuinely like you as a person. Adult children who cut off their
parents usually face a stigma from the greater society, how dare you leave someone who cared
for you for so many years, but I think nowadays that's changing. Seeing public figures take an
open stance against the sacred institution of the family is refreshing and validating. I think we're
really realizing that just because someone chose to take care of you doesn't mean that you owe them
anything. Children today don't have any duty to their parents just because they're your parents
and are older than you. That logically doesn't make any sense and is all arbitrary in the end. Parent
and child relationships that tend to thrive are ones where there isn't anything expected of the
child, love is given unconditionally and not when the parents outwardly complain at how hard it is
to take care of you or vocalize their resentment when they have to do something for you that won't
benefit them. And even though all parents might believe they love their children unconditionally
there usually are many strings attached, mainly if you don't do what I say at all times or if
you become a burden to me in any way my love for you wanes, and that shouldn't be the case but it is
so much more common than you might think. I'm glad that nowadays adult children are standing up to
their parents and demanding better treatment and acknowledgment of their parents flaws. No parent
is perfect, but there are some that are definitely worse than others, but a lot of parents don't want
to own up to that because there's a great sense of shame and guilt that go along with apologizing
and owning a to one's actions. Looking at yourself in the mirror is hard to do and for some parents
it's impossible. As Sharon Martin wrote in their article Why Adult Children Cut Ties with their
Parents, "Some parents fail to see their adult child as a separate capable and worthwhile person. They
belittle them, make unreasonable demands, criticize their choices, reject their identity, or disregard
their boundaries. When this happens continuously and the parent fails to accept responsibility
for their behavior and is unwilling or unable to change estrangement can result." And in the
end when it comes to estrangement the child finally has the power and the parent needs to
take a back seat. As Joshua Coleman wrote for the Atlantic "In my experience part of what confuses
today's parents of adult children is how little power they have when their child decides to end
contact." But when it comes to reconciliation the ball is in the parents court. The child
might initiate the estrangement but it's up to the parent to apologize and reflect, but
sadly that's rarely the outcome and this leads to some bonds never being able to be mended and
in the end I don't think that's the end of the world. Well that's it for this video. I hope you
enjoyed it and know that if you're estranged from a parent or family member you're not alone. I know
this can be a tough time of year because of the holidays and family gatherings and such
so I hope this video helped in some way thank you for watching and I'll see you on the next one bye :)