I started out half my life living
outside of Atlanta Georgia and then in
middle school my dad in the FBI got
transferred and we moved to just outside
of Harrisburg Pennsylvania and I lost my
southern accent immediately on purpose
and it was eleventh grade I was sitting
in AP English and I always sat kind of
slightly off to the left at least
halfway to the back to be left under
direct fire the teacher I really liked
the teacher she was brilliant had
gorgeous red hair sense of style and one
day she said Katie Costner you are a
mealy-mouthed
little meet in front of my entire
English class and I was mortified I
didn't even know what a MEAP was at that
point but clearly it probably meant I
didn't speak up for myself and prior to
high school I went to a middle school
kind of a feeder school the high school
was almost 3,000 so he had two middle
schools that fed together and another
unique experience I was it was right
before the holidays and my mom had a
tendency to be very festive and she
adorned me with a giant red ribbon with
a jingle bell on it and she hand-painted
a maybe a Christmas tree on one side of
snow person on the other and she sent me
off to school to be festive on her
behalf and my middle school was such
that you could walk up the front steps
and there was a bank of glass doors and
I imagine many of you have seen those
kind of doors where you can not really
see what's inside but everyone inside
can see you so I remember the day
distinctly in middle school and I also
knew the exact layout of the land just
inside those doors where all the kids
wooden mill around and hang out before
the bell ring we had to go to homeroom
and I also have to do - I actually know
exactly where the cutest boy and the
entire school stood every day in the
morning and I also knew his friends were
there and I walked in and I had my die
Norma's Jingle Bell on and I did not
know at that moment that the cutest boy
in the school had an incredible talent
because I walked in and all of a sudden
off to the side I hear a large mooing
noise as if I am now a cow and what
became worse was his friends also
developed mooing skills on the spot
following the leader and the cacophony
of cows was now bellowing my direction
mortified I went to the nearest respite
that I could think of on the spot which
of course was the only place free from
boys which was the girls bathroom and I
had I was faced with a quandary because
I knew I had the bail for the rest of
the day and either I had to destroy the
bell or wear the bell or flush the Bell
down the toilet so I decided to be
environmentally responsible that day and
I took the entire wad of toilet paper
and muffled the Bell and stuck it into
my backpack and I timed it really well
so that I would not leave the bathroom
until the last possible second when I
could - - homeroom and still not be late
for class
so I was hoping by the end of homeroom
the Mooers would have forgotten their
mooing technique but I also happen to
know the exact route of the cutest boy
in the school's entire class day
schedule so in our building was shaped
like a figure eight so I could even
reroute myself all day long as needed to
avoid the mooing which I did and I made
it all the way to lunch and then concern
took over again that I could walk into
lunch where we would all be and I get
again so I decided to skip lunch
but the stomach was growling and
eventually I succumb to hunger and went
into the cafeteria and of course I also
know where the cutest boy and his well
all his friends are sitting in the
cafeteria and not only had they not
forgotten they're mooing techniques but
they had developed an entire barnyard of
mooing various popular music at me by
then so I quickly left lunch and hoped
that with the break looming large that
the mooing would feast certainly he
wasn't that smart to remember what he
had done two weeks ago and there would
be no more moving the rest of middle
school that I was wrong
I tell you both of those stories because
I did not speak up for myself so if we
roll it back to graduation from high
school I also share with you that there
was a math class we there were only four
of us myself and three boys our senior
year we were done with calc we're onto
stats and my mouth teacher said Katy
kesner you're much more of a people
person because I said I wanted to be an
engineer and so I listened I didn't
follow his advice but I listened and I
didn't protest and I didn't say why me
when I'm getting the same exact perfect
scores on all the tests the three boys
are and you just told them how MIT would
be a great choice and Virginia Tech but
I'm people person
so I kept my mouth shut so now I'm going
off to college and I chose half way back
towards the south William and Mary
bucolic people dress up they still think
the 1600s and it's it's a wonderful time
of the senate's history so why I'm out
of state and it's more affordable to go
there and I arrived and I volunteered to
live in the all-female first year
residence hall by choice like I wasn't
controlled enticed by my mother I simply
said I didn't want to do hair and
wardrobe before 8 a.m. and see men
because that was maintenance and effort
and I remember thinking by day 2 there
were men popping up out of bathrooms
stored in closets or like pop up
everywhere it was default co-ed anyway
and at the end of my floor was an
incredibly tall beautiful brunette and
second afternoon were there and we're
all standing around getting to know one
another and she walks out and she says
with nonchalance I think we should
figure out which building on campus is
the greatest number of hot men and then
get them all over here and have a party
and I remember I actually raised my hand
to volunteer for the committee to
ascertain perhaps with some sort of
calculation which building would be the
appropriate choice and then though there
was a quandary how do you get a bunch of
men to migrate to the same location
legally appropriately at one time and we
decided Monty Python the quest for the
Holy Grail and food great combination
and all the men show up and I staked out
the back of the room where the movie was
being shown with the maximum peripheral
vision for appropriately watching the
film for three minutes and then I did
what none of us ever do is this the scan
none of you are Lucas not once not ever
and I I did do it and I I kind of used
the full head movement and the guy was
about 238 feet away on the floor with
cool shoes great hair flip to the side
buttons on his shirt wardrobe commitment
right there with the buttons and college
and I was duly impressed I didn't have
photo recognition software on my phone
so I can just photo recognition swipe
and then to find out if he plays a tuba
what his entire genealogy was and all
these things that we have now that I
used imagination but then I remember my
brain kicked and I was thinking you
cannot look in the same direction so
long of a time you will be inappropriate
and I did watch the film and then there
was a new idea that you can actually do
that the kind of I switch with no head
movement the clandestine glance and I I
did look and luckily this time he was
looking at me and he was smiling which
was excellent and then this very bad
thing happened in my hand flew up and I
was I was waving and then I was betrayed
by my hand so I swooped the hand down
sit on the hand bad hand and then I roll
it forward and I realized in no short
order the movie will be over the lights
will be on and I'll have to have an
anxiety you know oxygenated
in real-time with his human and I'm not
ready
I remember mealy-mouthed meep so I'm
just not ready for this level of
conversation so I leave the film so
where does one go you know your first
weekend at college on the Saturday and
Saturday evening to the library I did I
I seen the library was open till 12:00
midnight on Saturdays presumably humans
possibly in there studying and so I go
to the library but on the way to the
library epiphany strikes because I
realized there's only two cafeterias at
the entire college that means I have a
50/50 chance at lunch to see the guy
coin toss exercise statistics remember
of math and one has slightly better
foods so I was thinking I'll go to the
one with a better food and take the
extended lunch and perhaps I'll see him
three days into my plan I'm meaning at
one end and he's eating at the other end
buddies with the pack like his whole
friend group I'm not packed ready that's
way too much material but then again
ideas strikes
eventually in theory he has to get up
and throw his trash away if he's
environmentally responsible and I have
standards so luckily I saw him get up
and so I got up and we I met him at the
trash can which is not stalking it's
coincidental chance meeting with design
which is a totally different thing so I
opened comment on the food so you can
only do food comment so long and then I
segue to classes and I figure we both
probably have bio chem all of us have
101 of one of those and luckily he had
camera at camera at the five on the AP
didn't need to study but I said why
don't we study which again maybe I'm
arguably intelligent he did agree we go
back to my dorm next day there's a study
lounge first floor diligently studying
atoms molecules for three minutes and
then where are you found when you like
to do without long grades we see each
other every day all week long the end of
the week Friday he says I think we
should go out on a date like to a
restaurant with cloth napkins and
reservations so immediately when he says
that I'm like coughs now cuz you match
the nap it was snapped in protocol like
to you I I don't know where I grew up in
Pennsylvania we had
not a lot of international cuisine I had
the trip to Epcot for the band so I had
international dining men but not so much
to all the time growing up I don't know
how you all were raised but we had to
not many nights out fancy dinner so he
comes over Friday knocks on my door now
it's Saturday knocks on the door I
opened the door and I just you know I
I know we're in this day and age but no
matter the time or date just to imagine
the date standing there is wearing the
three-piece italian blue pinstripe suit
with the hand stitching and I have my
10th grade homecoming dance dress on
adorable and we walked across the street
to the very fancy French restaurant he
has selected and everything's in French
I mean the waiters in French the menus
in French the so I I do happen ease I do
German know French and I looked through
the menu and even then all the columns
two digits for all the numeric values of
and then you know do I pay does he pay
we never talked about the payment and
then he the waiter comes over and my
date orders in fluent French I'm like
thinking all of his French classes paid
off in one fell swoop swoop amazing
right perfect and I didn't know what he
ordered but the waiter comes back and
the way do you have to imagine looks
like he could bench press the pinkie
levitates this massive tray down puts
one glass of champagne on the table in
front of each of us I did exactly
precisely what all of you in the USA 818
would have done I leaned across the
table and I said or not tell anyone yet
like I know all of you would do this and
I know and he said I know and I said but
I I don't drink I drink coca-cola but I
don't drink the alcohol it's not totally
the twenty one last like my dad's an FBI
agent and and he'll know like I don't
know when he's gonna know but eventually
there'll be some people here shortly and
no no yeah III again I don't know how
you grew up and I was trying to explain
you know a little bit about how I was
raised and I had the kind of dad I had a
younger sister no brothers dad would be
the kind of dad if the guy came over on
the day to get me my dad would be
fingerprinting the front door knob to
get the guy's prints
file just for precautionary measures and
wearing the fatigues with the large
weapons strapped conspicuously on the
outside often assuring the guy into the
family room where the entire gun
collection well displayed cleaning one
heads of animals on the walls and then
pointing to the back yard where the
target practice would be later held just
to see how he does anyway I can tell you
I was nervous and my dates end but it's
not every night
I order champagne for someone and I had
two sips now that's just a slice of my
life I have moments left I broke my
silence that night I went back to my
room I told him no over a dozen times we
had a trial no one had ever spoken out
about being raped by someone you knew
who paid for dinner you invited him back
tomorrow I invited him back to my room
my dad said I shouldn't have had him in
my room my mom said you're never going
to get a good husband if you're damaged
goods my Dean said when I reported it
you might ruin his life you should go
home and think about this my hearing
officer said I found him guilty but you
make a nice couple you should get back
together again about two thousand out of
five thousand students signed a petition
that said I lied when I was making a
movie with HBO they covered my car with
honey and baby powder they voted me the
most dangerous man on campus it's a case
a although on walls I
tell you none of that for your pity I
tell you all of that for your strength
because I want you to break silence - I
don't know your cause I don't know your
passion but I went from me to speak I
broke the silence and when I started
speaking the first thing I had to do was
sign my name and release it to the
public no one in history had ever had
their name printed as the victim of date
rape any kind of rape because rape was a
property crime and I said I'm not the
one who should be embarrassed
should be embarrassed I'm not damaged
but if a guy doesn't want me I'm not
going to want him I spoke in front of a
quarter of a million people when I was
maybe 20 on the mall in Washington DC I
was nervous I'll tell you every time I'm
nervous
I don't care from monthly UN or the
Pentagon or 5,000 cadets or an audience
but you have to keep trying I wrote an
article anonymously about my college
educating a rapist because he was found
guilty and not punished he was told not
to go my dorm for one semester I want to
challenge you with this I have spent my
life traveling and telling the story of
the worst one in my life and my story is
not even close to the worst of the ten
per day I hear and my cause is only one
of many causes and what I came here to
say is I want all of you to speak to is
not easy I was speaking at the 8th and
Naval Academy and Midshipmen came up he
said they had a crush on the prom pain
and she wouldn't date him at the after
prom party the prom queen was passed out
she had so much he walked past the
kitchen poor guy standing including the
one worthy to be your date
he took a cherry sat next to the bed
waited there the four guys walked in and
once I leave he said no I'm not leaving
silence
two guys walk out the other two said if
you don't leave we're going to give you
what she's gonna get another long
silence he said I'm not leaving
eventually the two left but the best
part of story he said he never told the
prom queen what he did for her he didn't
need the ego he didn't need the applause
he just did the right thing I leave you
with this I want none of you to wait
until you have nothing to lose my dad
has never heard me speak at my whole
life when I stood at the top of the
brick steps after meeting with my rapist
right before I reported him before I
even knew that there would even be
possibly a name for what happened to me
I made a decision whether I walked 20
minutes to my left to my dorm to keep a
secret for the rest of my life so what I
have to
some money so I wouldn't ruffle feathers
so I wouldn't make my parents upset I
would not mess up the friends and the
relationships I had at school there was
there was a lot of steak but I walked
two buildings to the right to the police
station and the offers to bed what were
you wearing I'm gonna need to see that
dress did you lead him on did you fool
around have you done this before
were you really a virgin and a million
other questions and I have spent my
entire life answering those questions
and I am NOT alone in this fight but we
have got to do better on this cause and
you name the cause and if you're one who
doesn't speak what keeps you silent what
is the fear what do you think you could
lose and when you finally feel you're at
break what is break it doesn't have to
be a petition 2,000 people long it
doesn't have to be slanderous words on
the wall break has to mean you not gonna
stand for it anymore and you're all in
and don't think it's going to be easy
it's not people are going to push you
back and you're gonna think why am I
doing this alone but eventually I'm
going to say keep going keep going
because silence changes nothing thank
you