(gentle music)
- So I have a friend...
HAD a friend,
if you couldn't guess by the title of this video,
who more often than not
believed that when any event was about her,
she had the right to discard your feelings.
Like if it were her birthday...
- Oh, come on, don't go home, baby girl!
Come out dancing with us!
- I really wish that I could, but I have an early morning.
- Come on, don't be lame.
- Look, I really want to,
but this meeting tomorrow is really important
and I just want to be well rested.
I came for the dinner,
but I really can't stay out.
- Who cares what you want?
It's my birthday!
- And a theme that's been coming up in therapy a lot lately,
is the idea of societal expectation and pressure.
You know, like cultural obligations,
these unwritten rules we're all supposed to just abide by-
because.
Like this wedding.
So the bride gathered this group of girls
that I was all friends with
to ask us to be in her wedding party.
And personally, I was really surprised,
'cause we aren't very close,
we've never really hung out one-on-one,
but I was touched!
I thought it was cool,
never really been a bridesmaid before,
but I remember one girl being really upset.
- This is so messed up!
I can't believe she asked us in a group!
Now there's no way to say no without embarrassing her.
She always does this!
She bullies everyone into acquiescing!
- Saying no, didn't even cross my mind.
I did not know that I could do that.
And I wish I knew, because apparently you guys,
being a bridesmaid is very expensive and time consuming.
And you have to be really close to enjoy half of the stuff
you're planning and participating in,
because, oh my god, it's like a whole thing.
It is Many. Whole. Things.
But I've experienced this whole like societal pressure
and expectation with my extended family,
where I am expected to show up in a certain way
or communicate in a way I'm not comfortable with.
I've experienced it in my career
out of feeling beholden to the idea of networking.
It's even when you feel like you have to attend
your partner's events,
or stay connected to people you've long outgrown-
obligatory gifts, money, every holiday in existence.
You know (sighs) I am opting out of societal expectation
and pressure.
Even small moments like..
(phone chimes)
I don't want to.
And I don't HAVE TO!
(sharp exhale)
Or bigger moments...
- Hey, Anna, we're leaving for the funeral in 10.
- Oh, I'm not going.
- Why not?
- What do you mean, why not?
He was a terrible person,
so I don't want to honor his life.
- We have to go.
- No, we don't.
- We were invited.
- Yeah, probably because nobody else was.
- Anna!
- What?
- We have to go! It's his funeral!
He's dead!
- Yeah, he's dead.
So it's not like he's gonna remember
whether or not we went.
And honestly,
I don't want to look at that trash heap of a man
for another second.
I had a pretty big shift in pandemic
and as my therapist likes to say,
women kind of come into their psychological power
in their 30s.
And I believe I'm freaking Magneto now,
because I don't respond to people I don't want to anymore.
I don't spend an hour at a lunch or a coffee
if I don't want to be there.
I don't nourish friendships that don't nourish me.
And I'm finally at a point where like,
I don't make choices
based on what society tells me is right,
but rather what I feel is right.
And in return,
I've realized just how much time and money I have spent
being uncomfortable and self betraying.
And why?
So long story short,
the girl group I was in had this big rupture
and people kind of chose sides.
At least it's kind of how I understand it
because no one will have an actual conversation
about what happened.
Though I'm sure some of them are watching this.
Hi! Hi, thanks for the view on this dying channel.
I was uninvited two weeks before the wedding via text,
when I had already paid for a bridal dress,
made a donation to their house fund and booked my hotel.
And I was obviously pretty upset
about receiving this news out of nowhere.
But then I really thought about it,
and after I processed being shocked and hurt
and then feeling rejected
for a thing I didn't even really want to be in
in the first place,
I ultimately felt relief.
'Cause, do I want to go to a wedding
when Delta variant is getting around the block?
No.
Do I want to drive three hours to hang out at a celebration
where most of the people have tension with each other?
No.
Do I wanna spend an entire weekend smiling and dancing
and doing whatever the bride tells me to do
because it's her wedding and she doesn't care how I feel?
Honestly, no.
And this may sound harsh, but as my therapist likes to say,
and as I clearly like to parrot,
"Honoring your boundaries is honoring other people."
We set our boundaries not to keep other people out,
but to keep ourselves in.
And if anything this last year has really taught me,
society as we know it is very fundamentally flawed
and social pressures and expectations
have brought me just years and years of unhappiness
that I never noticed 'cause I was too busy gritting my teeth
and smiling.
But no more.
From now on I'm doing things because I'm excited about them,
because I want to do them,
or because I'm showing someone love.
Not because it's expected of me
and it's what I'm supposed to do.
I'm Anna Akana,
and thank you to the patrons who supported today's video.
And thank you to BetterHelp
for sponsoring today's episode.
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