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There years ago I went on my first date with Brian.
We had matched on a dating app and started texting right away.
He was so enthusiastic and compassionate.
He would text me hey, with an exclamation point.
>> [LAUGH]
>> Followed by how's it going?
>> [LAUGH]
>> We really hit it off.
He was just so easy to talk to.
Fast forward to our first date.
It was aweful. >> [LAUGH]
>> We couldn't keep a conversation going,
his voice was monotone, he failed to make eye make contact.
And he wasn't even asking questions, so much for enthusiastic and compassionate.
Frustration set in as I counted down the minutes until freedom.
This situation is a prime example of what I call fictionalizing reality.
My conversations with Brian were real but they were just texts on a screen.
No body language, no vocal cues.
I was working with an incomplete picture.
So to compensate I colored in what was missing with bright shades of exuberance
and charm.
I had fictionalized my reality.
Technology had brought me to Brian.
But it also introduced ambiguity, which ultimately led to my disappointment.
We are more digitally connected than ever before,
exchanging on average 250 text messages and emails every day.
But only so much can be said with a digital message,
which leads to a number of challenges.
In his research on human communication,
Professor Albert Murabian hints toward some of these challenges.
And why technology may interfere with three critical elements of our
conversation.
Our clarity, our intention and our vulnerability.
He explains that our non-verbal cues, specifically our tone of voice and
body language.
Help change the attitudes and feelings of others more so
than the actual words we say.
Let me give you an example, I could say, I can't wait or
I can't wait. >> [LAUGH]
>> My tone of voice and body language help
to communicate my excitement and enthusiasm or, lack there of.
He further explains that 93% of our impact is attributable to these
non verbal cues whereas our actual content contributes to just 7%.
This concept also applies to text messaging and email.
Our message communicates 7% of our message but leaving us in the 93% darkness.
Where it's hard to detect clarity, intention, and vulnerability.
As recipients, we're often left feeling confused or doubtful.
As senders, anxious and misunderstood.
Both sides are left feeling disconnected, but why?
First, technology compromises clarity.
Last week I had to cancel plans with my friend.
I sent him a quick text explaining the situation, expecting disappointment.
A few hours later my phone buzzed, his response,
it's okay, I understand.
It's okay.
I understand.
[SOUND] He was definitely mad.
It's okay.
I understand.
Totally fine.
But which was it?
He hadn't used an emoji or an exclamation point.
>> [LAUGH]
>> He must be mad.
>> [LAUGH]
>> This conversation had me doubting
the status of our friendship, I was embarrassed by my flakiness.
I was afraid to reach out, it was unclear what he was saying.
I decided I may be overthinking everything, so
I decided to give him a call.
Sure enough he did understand, and we re-scheduled our dinner for another night.
I had fictionalized the 93% of his message.
He had only given me 7%.
And unfortunately for us, as psychology research shows,
when we're given ambiguity we tend to assume the worst.
I'm sure, as you have experienced, even the smallest language or punctuation
choice can lead to hours, days, or even weeks of frustration and resentment.
Secondly, technology compromises intention.
Prior to starting my MBA program at Standford,
I was a young business professional on Wall Street.
Making PowerPoints and consuming caffeine like my job depended on it.
>> [LAUGH]
>> To be clear, my job did depend on it.
>> [LAUGH]
>> We worked tirelessly on an extensive
pitch deck.
I was on version 16 when I sent the document to my boss for a final review.
The next morning, an email sat at the top of my inbox.
I took a deep breath and clicked into the email, thx.
>> [LAUGH]
>> T-H-X period.
What?
Are you kidding me? Did I make a mistake?
Does he know how long I spent working on this project?
There is no way I am spending this much time on the next one.
N-O W-A-Y, period. >> [LAUGH]
>> This email from my boss left me
feeling unappreciated and unsupported.
This interaction wasn't uncommon with him, but
this last message left me feeling completely demoralized.
To the point that I considered looking for a new role,
that is until I ran into my boss, and he congratulated me on a job well done.
Wait, what?
To my surprise, he had been so incredibly impressed with the pitch deck.
That he printed the deck as is, replied with a quick THX, and moved on.
Failing to see the intention behind his thanks,
I had fictionalized my reality yet again.
When it comes to email and texts we are often overconfident in our ability to
convey our complete thoughts and feelings.
Assuming that the recipient shares the same context that we do.
This can lead to problems, reducing self-confidence and morale over time,
which can deteriorate your important relationships.
Lastly, technology compromises vulnerability.
My phone buzzed as I received one text message.
Just two words, My body fell limp in my seat.
My dad had informed me that my only grandfather had passed away.
But his message felt abrupt, harsh, emotionless.
What I sought in this moment was support and strength from my dad.
But instead, I felt disconnected.
I was afraid to delve into the 93% darkness.
I couldn't fictionalize this reality.
I failed to detect my father's true feelings.
And I struggled to expose my own vulnerability to him.
Again I've been provided a snippet of content but the rest was ambiguous.
It's hard to choose the right words for a text to email.
Making it hard to express our true feelings in important moments like
this one.
Technology allows us to accomplish incredible things.
But by virtue of its digital form, it can get in the way of truth and
genuine connection.
So if you seek to build meaningful connection, how exactly do you do that?
Strive for clarity.
Instead of it's okay, I understand.
Try it's okay, thanks for letting me know, I'd love to catch up, let's re-schedule.
A clear tone goes a long way.
Express your intention explicitly.
Instead of replying with, thanks.
You could try, this is great, I appreciate your hard work, thanks.
With just eight additional words my boss could've adequately expressed his
appreciation, giving me confidence in my work.
Convey more emotion even when difficult.
Your grandfather has passed away, I know this is hard for all of us, but
stay strong, call me when you can I love you.
Digital messaging is a powerful tool and if you use it with intention,
you can wield powerful results.
You can prevent others from fictionalizing their reality.
Instead of creating unnecessary frustration or
distance, you can build self confidence and morale.
Join me in tackling the dark side of digital communication.
So we can build better relationships. >> [APPLAUSE]
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