Hey, if you're looking for something
to do for Valentine's Day, that new Fifty Shades movie
just came out.
So that would be a good one.
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah, yeah.
Did you all see it?
I was surprised by some of the cameos.
Here's the trailer.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) Oh.
Sitting eyes wide open, behind these four walls, hoping you
will come.
It's just the cruel existence like it's
no point hoping at all.
Baby, come.
Ouch.
What?
What happened?
My junk.
Hang on, it popped out.
(SINGING) What is hoping, let them lie.
[APPLAUSE]
How was that?
That was a good day, wasn't it?
Yeah, that-- they are all great, Ellen.
Every day with you is great.
Yeah.
It's wonderful.
Would you want to do that again?
I sure would not.
No, no.
All right, something else that you need to check out
is Planet Earth Two.
It has amazing footage from all over the world.
And this season they filmed some places
that you would never expect.
Take a look.
Tuscany, Italy.
A lone bachelor enjoys a meal with two of his mates,
hoping to decide which female he should exile from his path,
he temporarily courts each female.
Similar to the yellow crowned parakeet, the bachelor
and his date exchange nutrients via regurgitation.
After spending time with both females,
the bachelor must demonstrate his decision
by awarding one female a flower.
He has chosen the long hair.
This decision forces the short hair to flee.
However, I am recently single, so if the short hair
likes British accents, she can contact me at 5, 5, 5, 9, 2--
[APPLAUSE]
That didn't seem like enough numbers.
I just heard four numbers.
So I don't know.
They're not going to be able to contact him.
All right, let's move on.
I want to talk about the president.
Not that one, the other president.
President Obama had his presidential portrait
unveiled over the weekend.
At least that was his excuse for not attending my birthday
party.
But the portrait was beautiful, and I think
it really captured his essence.
[APPLAUSE]
How about that?
It's pretty sharp.
Yeah, we posed for hours.
That was-- in honor of Valentine's Day,
I thought I'd show you some kids valentines
that my viewers sent in.
This one right here is from Janet
from San Diego, California.
Mommy, I love you sometimes.
I'm sure she feels the same.
April from Little Rock, Arkansas.
Dear Mom, you are nice, funny.
And you love me.
I know your hormones are crazy, but I don't mind,
because you still love me.
[APPLAUSE]
So she's seven and already has mastered the art
of a backhanded compliment.
That's very impressive.
Mark from Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Dear Mom and Dad, I love you so much.
I love dinner you made on January 28, 2004.
Love, Jackson.
Wow, I really want to know what that dinner was.
That must have been amazing.
I don't even know what I had for lunch today.
I don't remember.
Did I have lunch?
I don't even know.
I don't think I had lunch.
I may have.
Wendy from Portland, Maine, sent this valentine.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know--
[LAUGHTER]
But it looks happy.
It looks like it's--
all right.
As you know, we-- take it down.
As you know, we play a lot of games on my show.
Sometimes I have guests who play, Who would you rather?
I am happily married, so I don't need to play that game.
But it gave me an idea for a new game that's perfect for me.
It's full of photos of cats and dogs.
It's time for Who'd you rather pet.
So here's how it goes.
They're going to show me two cute animals,
and I haven't seen them.
This is the first time I'm seeing them.
Then I will pick which one I'd rather pet.
They're adorable, but I'm going to say Kittie Couric for sure.
[APPLAUSE]
I'm going to stick with Kittie Couric.
How often do you get--
you don't get to pet a deer too often,
so I'm going to stick to--
I'm going to change to Doe Jonas.
Oh, Ewie Lewis.
I'm going to switch to Ewie Lewis.
Kitty Perry.
I'm going to stick with Ewie Lewis.
Ah.
I'm changing to Waddles the duck.
Ellen Barkin.
No, I'm sticking with Waddles.
Harry P. Otter.
I'm going to go to Harry P. Otter now.
Pig Notaro.
That's very funny.
I'm going to go to Pig.
I'll pet a pig.
Scarlett O'Hairy.
OK, I'm going to go to Scarlett.
Abe Vigoata.
I'm going to Abe.
I'm stick-- All right, Abe Vigoata.
That's how you play who'd you rather pet.
Yes.
Tune in next time when we play Who'd you rather lather?
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel
so you can see more awesome videos.
Like videos of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things.
Like ball peen hammer.
And also some videos of Ellen and other celebrities,
if you're into that sort of thing.
[SCREAM]
God.