( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS
THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR "SEINFELD" AND "COMEDIANS IN
CARS GETTING COFFEE."
HIS NEW NETFLIX SPECIAL IS "JERRY BEFORE SEINFELD."
>> SO I'M LEFT-HANDED.
LEFT-HANDED PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE THAT THE WORD "LEFT" IS SO OFTEN
ASSOCIATED WITH NEGATIVE THINGS-- TWO LEFT FEET,
LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT, WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER, LEFTOVERS.
YOU GO TO A PARTY, THERE'S NOBODY THERE.
WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?
THEY LEFT.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW JERRY SEINFELD!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> THANK YOU!
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I-- I LIKE THIS SHOW.
>> Stephen: YOU LIKE THIS SHOW.
>> I LIKE THIS SHOW.
I WATCH THIS SHOW A LOT.
>> Stephen: YOU DO?
>> YEAH, I DO, I REALLY DO.
>> Stephen: I'M HONORED.
>> THAT'S NICE.
( LAUGHTER ) MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW IS
THE UNCOMFORTABLE GREETING AT THE STAIR WHEN THE GUEST COMES
OUT.
>> Stephen: OH, ME, TOO.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> IS IT HARDER WITH MEN OR WITH WOMEN?
>> Stephen: IT'S EASIER WITH MEN BECAUSE, GENERALLY, IT'S A
HANDSHAKE AND A LITTLE, LIKE, AWKWARD BUMP.
BUT WITH-- BUT WITH MY FEMALE GUESTS, I DON'T KNOW WHO IS
COMFORTABLE WITH A HUG, WHO WANTS-- IS OKAY WITH A PECK ON
THE CHEEK.
IF IT'S A EUROPEAN ACTOR OR ACTRESS, YOU KISS ON TWO WEEKS.
>> I KNOW, I WATCH THAT-- THAT'S THE HARDEST-- I'M FASCINATED BY
YOUR AWKWARDNESS IN THAT MOMENT ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: SO AM I.
AND SOMETIMES I SAY BACKSTAGE, "SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?"
YOU IDENTIFIED RIGHT THERE.
>> WHEN I CAME OUT I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
>> Stephen: AND I SAID HOW ABOUT A GENTLE LITTLE HUG.
>> WE RECEIVED THE SOPRANO TWO-HIT.
REMEMBER THEY WOULD DO THAT ON THE "SOPRANOS."
>> Stephen: I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
>> THEY WOULD MEET AND IT WAS TWO HITS ON THE SHOULDER BLADE,
AND THAT WAS ALL "SOPRANOS" MEETINGS.
REALLY?
NOBODY, "SOPRANOS?
>> Stephen: THAT WAS WELL STUDIED.
THE GUY PAID ATTENTION TO HOW UNCOMFORTABLE I AM.
>> THAT'S THE ONLY THING I'M INTERESTED IN --
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'VE HEARD EVERY JOKE IN THE WORLD.
THERE'S NO JOKE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD.
>> I LIKE AWKWARDNESS.
I LIKE PEOPLE NOT FEELING GOOD.
I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: I DO, TOO.
I LIKE PUTTING MYSELF IN AWKWARD SITUATIONS AND KIND OF HUFFING
THE DISCOMFORT.
>> THAT'S COMEDY.
YOU FIND THE COMEDY THERE.
>> Stephen: GOING INTO AN ELEVATOR AND SINGING, LIKE JIMMY
BUFFET IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR DOESN'T GO OVER WELL.
>> WHO WAS IT-- I THINK IT WAS JEFF ALTMAN-- DO YOU KNOW JEFF
ALTMAN.
>> Stephen: I DO KNOW HIM BUT I DON'T.
>> IF YOU GET ON AN ELEVATOR WITH HIM AND IT'S JUST THE TWO
OF YOU AND SOMEBODY ELSE COMES IN, HE WILL SAY, "SO I SAID TO
MY DOCTOR, 'WHY AM I VOMITING UP SO MUCH PUSS?
'" THAT'S WHAT HE WOULD DO TO YOU IN THE ELEVATOR AND WANT
PERSON IN THERE WOULD FREAK OUT.
OH, MY GOD.
IT IS SO VILE.
EVERY WORD IN THERE IS SO VILE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING-- I LIKE-- I LIKE THE LEANING INTO
THE AWKWARDNESS-- THAT'S COMEDY TO ME BECAUSE I HAD A VERY
AWKWARD CHILDHOOD.
LIKE, YOU SAW THE PHOTO OF ME BEING AN AWKWARD CHILD OUT HERE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT REVISITING BEFORE YOU WERE
FAMOUS JERRY SEINFELD, WHEN YOU WERE A WORK COMEDIAN--
>> I WASN'T WORKING.
>> Stephen: YOU WEREN'T WORKING?
>> WELL, I WAS PERFORMING, BUT WORKING IS YOU GETTING MONEY.
I WAS TRYING-- TRYING TO BE A COMEDIAN.
>> Stephen: SO THAT JOKE WE HEARD YOU SAY IN THE-- IN THE
LEAD-IN, WHEN I WAS ANNOUNCING YOU, YOU DIDN'T GET PAID FOR
THAT JOKE?
>> NO.
I DID JUST RECENTLY BECAUSE IT'S ON THE NETFLIX SPECIAL.
>> Stephen: THIS IS LITERALLY THE MATERIAL YOU WERE WORKING ON
WHEN YOU TRIED TO BREAK IN.
>> THIS WAS THE MATERIAL I WROTE FROM MY BEDROOM WHEN I GREW UP
TO THE FIRST TIME I GOT ON JOHNNY CARSON.
EVERYTHING THAT GOT ME THROUGH THE CLUBS, THROUGH ALL THAT
HIERARCHY, THROUGH ALL THAT, YOU KNOW, LITTLE STRUGGLE-- WHICH
WASN'T A STRUGGLE TO ME BECAUSE I LOVED IT.
I WAS IN IT.
I JUST WANTED TO BE IN IT.
BUT THAT WAS THE JOKE I WROTE ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND I SAID IT
TO TWO FRIENDS IN COLLEGE, AND I READ IT TO THEM.
I SAID, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS?"
AND THEY SAID, "THAT'S FUNNY."
EVERYBODY LAUGHED.
AND THEY SAID, "THAT'S FUNNY."
AND IT'S THE FIRST TIME I THOUGHT, "MAYBE I COULD BE A
COMEDIAN."
>> Stephen: DID YOU SHARE THAT.
HOW LONG HAD YOU BEEN HUSBANDING--
>> THAT'S WHERE I START GLD HOW LONG HAD YOU BEEN HUSBANDING
THAT DREAM?
>> "HUSBANDING?" >> Stephen: IT'S A TERM--
>> IT'S LIKE GIVING BIRTH TO A CALF.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG HAD YOU BEEN NURTURING?
HOW LONG HAD YOU BEEN NURTURING THAT DREAM OF BEING A COMEDIAN?
>> IN MY MIND PERSONALLY.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> PROBABLY SEVEN, EIGHT YEARS OLD.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YEAH, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID-- WHEN I FIRST SAW COMEDIANS
ON TV-- I THINK I FIRST MENTIONED THIS IN THE SHOW, I
FROZE SOLID.
I SAID THAT GUY JUST STANDS THERE BY HIMSELF AND TELLS
JOKES?
THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I HAVE SEEN.
>> Stephen: DID YOUR MOTHER LET YOU STAY UP AND WATCH THE
COMED OONS CARSON?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHEN WE WERE KIDS THAT WAS THE ONLY PLACE YOU
COULD SEE THEM.
>> THE SULLIVAN SHOW.
>> Stephen: HERE IN THIS BUILDING, THE SULLIVAN SHOW.
MY MOM WOULD LET ME STAY UP IF JOHN BIENER OR DAVID BRERN --
>> Stephen: DID YOU LIKE STAND-UP COMIC?
>> Stephen: OH, YES.
I NEVER DID IT, STAND-UP.
>> IT'S A CERTAIN GENE, AN ANIMALISTIC GENE THAT PUSHES YOU
TO TAKE THAT RISK, I THINK.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND SAID, "I WANT TO DO
THIS?" WHO WAS THE COMEDIAN.
>> THE COMEDIAN WAS BILL CAUSE BEE.
>> Stephen: WONDERFULNESS.
>> WHY IS THERE AIR?
GREATEST-- WHAT'S WORD-- BODY OF WORK, I THINK, IN COMEDY IS HIS.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN STILL LISTEN TO HIS COMEDY?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I GREW UP ON HIS STUFF.
I THINK HE SAVED MY LIFE.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A KID, I HAD A TRAGEDY IN MY
LIFE, BUT FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS I LISTENED TO BILL COSBY ALBUMS
EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I WENT TO BED.
I WOULD HIDE THE SPEAKERS UNDER MY PILLOW SO MY MOM COULDN'T
HEAR IT.
YOU COULD DROP A NEEDLE EYE CAN'T LISTEN TO IT NOW.
>> YOU CAN'T.
>> Stephen: NO, I CAN'T SEPARATE IT.
>> YOU CAN'T?
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THERE'S LOVE THERE.
THERE'S LOVE-- THERE'S LOVE THERE.
>> I KNOW, IT'S TRAGIC.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> BUT COMEDY-- THERE'S A LOT OF TRAGEDY IN COMEDY --
>> Stephen: THERE'S COMEDY BECAUSE OF TRAGEDY.
>> THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE TRAGIC LIVES.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> I KNOW.
THE JERRY LEWIS THING HE DIDN'T INCLUDE ANY OF HIS SONS IN THE
WELL.
HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?
>> Stephen: KIND OF HILARIOUS ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, DENIED THEM MONEY, THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING AS SLIPPING
THEM A ROOFY.
>> THAT UPSET ME BECAUSE I ADOREDDED JERRY LEWIS.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO NOT WATCH THE BELL BOW.
>> Stephen: "SAILOR BEWARE," ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MOVIES.
>> I NEVER SAW THAT.
>> Stephen: I TAUGHT MYSELF SOME OF THE MOVES FROM "SAILOR
BEWARE" WHEN I WAS A KID.
>> WE WANT TO SEE YOU DO THEM SOME DAY.
>> Stephen: SOME DAY.
>> NOT NOW.
POLISH IT UP A LITTLE.
>> Stephen: WAS THERE SOMEBODY WHO GAVE YOU THE BENEDICTION-- I
DON'T MEAN TO DO THIS TO YOU.
BUT WAS THERE SOMEBODY-- >> I DON'T MIND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, YES, THERE WAS A GUY-- I DON'T KNOW IF THE AUDIENCE
REMEMBERS JACKIE MASON.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> OKAY, SO JACKIE MASON-- WHEN I HAD JUST WROTE THAT "LEFT"
JOKE.
I STARTED GOING AND SAYING-- COULDN'T EVEN GO TO THE CLUBS
THAT HAD ENTERTAINMENT.
THERE WERE RESTAURANTS THAT WOULD HAVE, LIKE, AN OPEN-MIC
TALENT NIGHT AND I COULD GET ON THERE.
AND JACKIE MASON WAS IN THE AUDIENCE.
I WAS DOING IT, LIKE, TWO WEEKS-- AND THIS IS ALL TRUE.
AND HE CAME OVER TO ME AT THE BAR, AFTER THE SHOW, AND HE
SAID, "YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO SUCCESSFUL, IT MAKES ME SICK."
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE-- AND I DIDN'T KNOW
REALLY EVEN WHAT HE MEANT, YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT HOW COULD HE EVEN SEE ANYTHING?
I DIDN'T EVEN-- I COULD BARELY SPEAK.
AND FROM THEN ON, AND I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR MANY YEARS SINCE THEN.
YEAH, THAT WAS TWO WEEKS IN.
THAT WAS A VERY BIG DAY IN MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS GREAT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOUR DAD HAD THIS SAYING CALLED,
"BREAK A FACE."
THAT WAS IN SALES, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, THAT WAS IN CASE.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES "BREAK A FACE" MEAN?
>> HE WOULD TALK TO A GUY HE KNEW HE WASN'T GOING TO SELL TO
THE GUY, THEY HAD FACE LIKE A ROCK, AND HE JUST WANTED TO
BREAK THAT FACE, YOU KNOW.
JUST SAY SOMETHING TO THE GUY THAT WOULD MAKE HIM LAUGH.
IT WAS EVEN BETTER TO HIM THAN GETTING THE SALE.
HE REALLY HAD A GREAT COMEDIC GIFT HIMSELF.
>> Stephen: DID HE-- DID HE TEACH YOU HOW TO BREAK THE FACE?
DID HE TEACH YOU JOKES AS A KID.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF HE COULD TEACH IT, BUT HE WAS A GREAT
JOKE TELLER.
ONE OF THE JOKES HE USED TO TELL ME, A MAN COMES HOME, HIS WIFE
IS IN BED, HE GOES INTO THE BATHROOM THERE'S ANOTHER MAN
BEHIND THE SHOWER CURTAIN AND HE SAYS TO HIM, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?" AND THE MAN SAYS, "EVERYBODY'S
GOT TO BE SOMEWHERE."
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE THAT JOKE.
>> Stephen: AS A CHILD, DID YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT JOKE
WAS ABOUT?
>> NO, NO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
WHEN WE COME BACK I'M GOING TO FIND OUT WHAT ANNOYS YOU.
>> OKAY, THAT'S EASY.
>> Stephen: JERRY SEINFELD, EVERYBODY.