♪♪
-Hello, everybody, and welcome back
to "Corrections" for the week of April 19th.
For those of you who do not know,
"Corrections" is a digital exclusive,
which is a fancy word that means
"not good enough for television."
[ Laughter ]
This is an ongoing collaborative effort
between me and the audience to get things exactly right.
-[ Coughs ] -[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ] I want to start last week.
This is sort of a --
I should note most of the corrections are based
on things that were said in previous corrections.
[ Laughter ]
We talked about the fact that Benjamin Franklin's wife --
although we established, last week, common-law wife.
It's really quite a story. I got it all off Wikipedia.
And, while I'm reading about Ben Franklin in Wikipedia,
it occurred to me
someone should write a book about that guy.
[ Laughter ]
Ben Franklin's wife's name was Deborah
and I thought that was funny
because that did not seem like a name
that would be around in revolutionary times
and then, people pointed out Deborah was in the Bible.
And then, I said in another corrections,
"What's next, Candace going to be in the Bible?"
And then I found out Candace was, indeed, in the Bible.
And then, last week, I said,
because someone pointed out to me
that Candace was a queen of Ethiopia.
Then I was told Candace is a title that means "queen."
Yeah, like pharaoh, you know.
So pharaoh's not a name.
It just means "king."
So Candace means "queen," which is why, probably,
one of the most popular catchphrases in the Bible is
"Yasss, Candace!"
[ Laughter ]
Did you like that, Amber?
-Yeah, I did like that. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
I said journey man, instead of journeyman,
and then, I point outed that a journey man
would be Steve Perry.
Then, it was pointed out to me that he's no longer in Journey.
He's an ex-Journey man.
So I should've said Neil Schon.
Guys, I've been getting this one wrong
for almost a full month, now.
Prime minister of Ireland has a title.
I first said it was "Tay-sha" [Taoiseach],
corrected, said it last week, "Tea-sock."
I've been told, now, it is "Tea-shock."
Now, I'm sure that's not perfect.
I also pointed out, last week,
that we were really upset to get that wrong
because we have an Irish poet on staff,
an old man named Seamus,
[ Laughter ] and I pointed out
that he sort of fell asleep at the wheel on that,
probably because he was a little drunk.
And I said that Seamus often says to us
that he wants a wee taste.
Someone pointed out "wee" is not what Irish people say.
It's what Scottish people say.
So, we did some digging. We checked his paper.
It turns out Seamus is Scottish.
[ Laughter ]
He's an old Scottish poem.
Poet, excuse me,
and, obviously, he's been let go.
[ Laughter ]
Because you don't --
You know, when you're looking to hire an Irishman,
you don't want to hire a Scots man.
[ Laughter ]
And, by the way, we don't need an Irish poet
because I realize we have a lot of Irish guests on the show,
who can teach us how to say these words, like
Sow-rees Ronan. [Saoirse]
[ Laughter ]
I was told that, in a monologue this week,
instead of a reverse mortgage, I said "revorse" mortgage.
I found that hard to believe.
I did some digging and you tell me.
A revorse mortgage.
[ Laughter ] I mean, I heard "reverse."
[ Laughter ]
Let's hear it one more time.
A revorse mortgage.
You know what bothers me is
nailed mortgage.
[ Laughter ]
And there's just never any focus on that.
[ Laughter ]
I said "homonyms," when what I meant to say
were two words were polysemic.
I did not mean to say it.
I didn't even know that was a thing.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, we did --
We said that Jeanine Pirro
had a television show on Fox News
called "Jeanine Pinot,"
and a lot of people pointed out that, in the graphic,
it was a red wine
and that Pinot is a white wine.
And a bunch of people pointed that out
and I would just like to say to them --
maybe, next time you're at a restaurant,
call the sommelier over and ask them about Pinot noir,
you Philistines.
[ Laughter ]
Also, I'm just going to come clean
that I had to go to Shoemaker's office today
and say, "What's something you would call people
who don't know about wine?"
[ Laughter ]
And he said, "Philistine."
So I used it, but I didn't have it earlier today.
And Philistine, also from the Bible.
It was Phyllis. There's a woman in the Bible...
[ Laughter ]
...an Israelite named Phyllis Stein...
[ Laughter ]
...who just hates --
[ Laughter ]
She was ve--
She was very indifferent and hostile to the arts.
"Phyllis Stein," they would say.
There's a whole section of it in the Bible.
[ Laughter ]
People are like, "Phyllis, there's a new
exhibit at the museum."
She's like -- [ Mumbling ]
[ Laughter ]
"What do I need that for?"
And they're like, "You want some nice wine?"
And she's like, "Wine?
Who am I, the Candace of Sheba?"
[ Laughter ]
And they would always go to her husband, Irving Stein...
[ Laughter ]
...and say, "Irving, can you talk to them?
[ Laughing ] Can you talk to Phyllis for us?"
And he would just go, "Ugh!"
Because he was over it. So, a Philistine is someone
who is hostile or indifferent to the arts.
And a Irving Stein
is someone who is hostile or indifferent to a Philistine.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sigh ]
So --
We mentioned Pogs, now, two weeks ago,
and someone said, "Hey, I'm calling you out, Seth.
You were 31 when Pogs came out.
You didn't write that joke,"
and then, last week, I said, "I didn't. You got me.
John Mulaney wrote that joke, which means, by that math,
John was a 22-year-old Pog enthusiast."
Then, a bunch of people said, "Hey, man,
you got bad data from the first correctioner.
Because Pogs were -- mid-'90s was the height of Pogs,"
so I was 22, let's say, when Pogs became very popular.
Too old for it.
Mulaney was like 10 or 11 years old,
so it is quite possible that he was a Pog enthusiast then.
I got confused when I called him
a Pog enthusiast last week because, when I met him,
when he was like 25, 26, when he got hired at "SNL,"
he was still super into Pogs.
[ Laughter ]
You remember. He wanted to get paid in Pogs
and we had to say, "We'll pay you money
and you can use it to buy Pogs."
And he was like, "Ugh. I'd love to
cut out the middleman."
[ Laughter ]
I think it was a tax thing.
[ Laughter ]
Do you know what Pog stands for?
Anybody?
Pogs were -- It's a Hawaiian thing
and there was a drink called passion-fruit orange guava.
That's what Pog comes from.
Don't look at me like I'm [bleep] making it up, Shoemaker.
You know what? That's the hardest part about this,
is how little you want new information.
[ Laughter ]
You are a Phyllis Stein.
[ Laughter ]
What else do we got?
Oh, somebody said, when we used --
We used it again tonight.
There's that LMFAO-Lil Jon song "Shots, shots, shots, shots."
The name of that song, of course, is
"Midday Revelry."
[ Laughter ]
Somebody said, "Hey, don't play 'Shots' that many times
without the 'Everybody.'"
That's not a correction.
This is correct.
I'm not taking requests, here.
[ Laughter ]
Okay?
That's a different thing.
If you want to correct me, I'll take it,
but we can't mess around with this format.
Because nobody thinks this is a good idea.
[ Laughter ]
Okay?
Nobody --
I'm doing it for you.
No one in my life thinks it's good I'm doing this.
My therapist was like, "Why do you think you're doing this?"
And I'm like, "I don't know. Why do you think I'm doing it?"
And she said, "It's obvious to me.
This is due to the fact that your father
was never satisfied with your work
and you're trying to prove to him
that you can, in fact, be perfect."
And I said, "You don't know what you're talking about."
And then, I called my dad up and I said,
"Papa, did you see 'Corrections'?"
[ Laughter ]
And he said, "I don't watch online content."
And I said, "It's a digital exclusive!"
[ Laughter ]
So we got to take this seriously.
[ Laughter ]
Okay?
Because why else are we doing it?
And I want to end tonight -- I don't want just, myself,
[ Tearfully ] to reflect on the week.
I want everybody on my crew.
And I'm going to leave it to my director,
Alex, in the booth.
When he feels like everyone who works here --
because this isn't just me, this is top-down.
When he feels like everyone understands the importance
of getting everything right, he can cut the feed.