- I call white women swans, you know?
'Cause they're white, and majestic,
and people get upset when I chase 'em through parks.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat instrumental music)
People say wild shit now since Trump president.
"He ain't my president."
"Trump ain't my president."
"He ain't my president."
Like we're on "Maury."
(audience laughing)
"Trump ain't my president."
I don't know what's going on.
Democracy is done.
This shit crazy as hell.
(audience laughing)
And we got to wait for Maury to go,
"You are a U.S. citizen."
(audience laughing)
Trump's my president.
Trump's my president the same way my stepdad is my stepdad.
(audience laughing)
I didn't see it coming. (chuckles)
(audience laughing)
He's really annoying on Twitter.
(audience laughing)
And he's only here 'cause a woman
didn't do a good enough job.
(audience groaning)
(audience cheering)
I love doing that joke.
Watch a white woman's face cripple up and shit,
it's a good time, it's a good time. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
People wanted Michelle to run.
Remember they wanted Michelle to run
and be president and shit,
just 'cause she did one good speech?
She ain't gonna do that shit.
(audience laughing)
She saw what happened to Barry.
Remember when we first saw Barack, he was young,
and stoic, and handsome, and then he left a Sith Lord.
(audience laughing)
Y'all remember that shit?
He was like, "Hope and change."
And when he left, he was like "Drones, drones."
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
I want there to be hella female presidents.
I want there to be so many female presidents
that we get to our first female Donald Trump, (chuckles)
'cause that means we're gonna have
our first male Melania Trump.
(audience laughing)
And that (beep) gon' be hilarious. (chuckling)
(audience laughing)
You know what I'm talking about?
We have this (beep) douche-bag Kevin Federline ass (beep).
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
You know what I'm saying,
like, giving a tour of the White House,
wearing sweatpants, eating cereal, like-
(audience laughing)
"Hey, what's up, y'all?
My name Lawrence.
Ah, y'all ready?
I'll be smashing the president right here,
and I be smashing the president right here,
I be smashing the president over there,
I be smashing the president underneath that picture
of former president, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson."
(audience laughing and cheering)
She giving the State of the Union speech,
"Baby.
Hey, baby!"
(audience laughing)
(cooing)
(cooing) "Baby!
Oh, baby!
Ay, tell 'em 'bout my mixtape!"
(audience laughing)
"Girl, go tell 'em I got that mixtape, okay?"
(audience laughing)
Bro, you ever been in a family fight,
but it ain't your family?
(audience laughing)
I went on a date with this girl,
she made me go meet her parents,
she had a dad and a stepmom.
I grew up with a stepdad, I know what it's like.
We might throw blows, say some mean shit, but it's all love.
Stepmother, stepdaughter? (groans)
(chuckles)
(audience laughing)
Women just say me shit to each other,
but with cordial ass faces, mother (beep).
(giggling)
(audience laughing)
And it's just crazy to watch.
So I was sitting there, I'm not gonna lie,
the girl is the one, she started it.
She said the first thing.
"Hey Janet, how was your day with that lopsided ass face?"
(laughs)
(audience laughing)
Mom fired right back.
"I don't know.
How's it feel to live with your parents,
even though you're already growing a mustache?"
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Hey, y'all,
this tortellini good as (beep)."
(audience laughing)
They start firing off, back and forth,
and back and forth, back and forth.
I know where the mom took it to the next level.
"Well, you know what?
Your dad got a little ass dick."
(audience laughing)
She's like, (gasps).
I was like, ooh.
The dad was like, "What the (beep) did I do?"
(audience laughing)
We get in the car, she complaining about it the whole time,
telling my dad's little dick. (whining)
I'm just like, I don't know, it kinda makes sense.
(audience laughing)
Right?
I think you get a lot of your tendencies from your parents.
I have a lot of my mom's tendencies.
She has a lot of her dad's little dick tendencies.
(audience laughing)
You guys never met a girl
who acts like she got a little dick?
(audience laughing)
You can tell when a girl has a dad with a big dick.
They're very decisive,
they know what they want in this world.
Hey, where do you want to go eat?
I want to shrimp pasta, a Pop-Tart, and that dick.
Alright, well it's time to go,
it's time to get up out of here. (chuckling)
(audience laughing)
That doesn't just apply to women, that applies to men, too.
There's a bunch of dudes in here
with dry snatch attitudes, and I see you.
(audience laughing)
(chuckling)
Not me.
Y'all see me, up here dripping with ego. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
I walk around with my mama got good pussy confidence.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
I call white women swans.
You know, 'cause they're white, and majestic,
and people get upset when I chase them through parks.
(audience laughing and applauding)
This is what I do, I get a whole bunch
of white girl breadcrumbs, like Taylor Swift albums,
(audience laughing)
and animal cruelty petitions,
and I put them in a little clump, and I go hide in a bush
and wait for a whole flock of y'all to come.
(audience laughing)
And I wait.
And when you guys go.
(yelling)
I don't wanna catch, I like watching you run.
Run, Marissa, run!
(audience laughing)
Hop in your MINI Cooper, your Yaris or some shit.
She dropping "People" magazines and shit,
like, where you going?
Where are you going?
"Stop!"
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
I'm glad we're all here,
we can talk shit a little bit, it's good.
Here's the thing, ladies, when you're a dude, young dudes,
sometimes you go into a girl's house,
and you think you're gonna have sex with her, and you don't.
(audience laughing)
And that's just how shit goes.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you just gotta wake up in the morning
with a dead arm with not your hair on it,
a wrinkled shirt, and a double hard dick.
(audience laughing)
Like a double hard dick, because the intentions
of you having sex and morning wood overlapped.
(audience laughing)
It happened to me recently.
I thought I was gonna have sex with this girl,
and she was like, nah.
So instead of trying to like, charm my way past what she was
saying, I grabbed a whole bunch of grapes off her desk,
went downstairs, and watched Netflix with her mom.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, she still lived with her mom,
so we're both disappointed in her.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Her mom will try to have a conversation, with like,
I didn't have a hard dick for her daughter.
She's like, "What are you think about "Narcos"?
Really catching on with the third episode."
I'm just pushing this pillow down on this angry, hard dick,
like angry, like with a vein in his forehead,
banging on my basketball shorts,
like, nigga, you made me a promise.
(audience laughing)
You said in the car we're gonna get in something,
and now you can't even follow through
'cause you're talking too much.
Shut up, just let her do the-
Don't put your hands on me in the bathroom,
this is not the time.
(audience laughing)
It's powerful.
The hole is powerful, boy.
I got a friend, he's a stalker now.
(audience laughing)
And not like a Facebook stalker,
like a I'm a get you stalker.
It's weird, 'cause when we were kids,
when you're a kid, these people were crazy, and not crazy,
got their shit together, and don't get their shit together.
There's seeds to go down those paths, right?
And we saw Jimmy's seeds, but we didn't say anything, right?
Like, we used to play this game
called how bad do you want to smash, right?
(audience laughing)
There was this girl named Jasmine,
she was light-skinned, you already know.
(audience laughing)
We were going around in a circle playing the game one day,
I was like, "Man, I wanna smash Jasmine so bad
that I'll let the Rock give me
the People's Elbow off a three-story building.
(audience laughing and cheering)
And then my friend Jaquan was like,
"Man, I wanna smash Jasmine so bad that I'd do that shit
even if she had an STD to unabolish slavery."
(audience laughing)
Jaquan was funny, I don't know what y'all talking about.
(audience groaning)
And then Jimmy was like, "Man, I wanna smash Jasmine
so bad that I won't even take no for an answer."
We're like, wait, what did you just say?
(audience laughing)
And he tried to be funny, he was like,
"No, like you guys, right?
Being funny."
No. Nope.
Naw, dog.
So yeah, Bill Cosby, crazy, boy.
(audience laughing and applauding)
I learned how eat pussy young, my uncle taught me.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, middle school.
He's used to pick me up every Thursday,
drive me down to Joe's Crab Shack.
He would order two pounds of crab legs,
rip off the crab legs, throw them aside,
take the harder crab, y'all know what a harder crab is?
He would take the harder crab, bust it open,
make me hold my arms behind my back,
(audience laughing)
and eat the crab out with just my face.
I was 11,
and that nigga would just stand behind me
with a stopwatch, like, go!
I'd be like, (blabbering).
Stop!
(breathing heavily)
And he would look at me in my 11-year-old eyes,
and look at that crab, and be like,
"Yo, if there's any meat left on this,
that means that bitch gon' cheat on you."
(chuckles)
(audience laughing)
And to this day, boy, (clicking tongue).
(laughs)
(audience laughing)
Bitches be leaving my house looking like Bambi, nigga.
Just like, (groaning).
(laughing)
Look at this goofy bitch, falling down the stairs.
That's what she get coming up here,
fucking with a real nigga.
(audience laughing)
We past all that with my girl,
like, we've been in a relationship long enough
where don't gotta be like clean and pristine no more.
Like, when you first start dating a girl,
she always wants to still be A plus.
No, be the dirty hoe I want.
We past all that, brother.
Like, we'd be sitting on the couch,
in the beginning of our relationship like,
"Yo, baby, let me just let me eat your pussy right quick.
Let me just eat your pussy."
She's like, "No, I've been running around, I worked.
Let me just, no, let me go wash off first."
"No, let me get it as it is. I got my Air Max's on.
Let me just eat your-"
(audience laughing)
"Let me just eat your pussy.
My Air Max's on right quick."
She was like, "No, I just need to go,
like go on in the shower. I've been running around."
Like, "No, baby, listen, I'm trying to taste your day."
(audience laughing)
I wanna taste how bad traffic was.
(audience laughing)
I wanna know what podcast you were listening to.
(audience laughing)
I want to know why Diane got the promotion over you.
(audience laughing)
'Cause she's not a good storyteller, it's all scattered,
but when she, with that pussy,
boy, that pussy Mark Twain, nigga.
(audience laughing)
That pussy, boy, that pussy Pixar, nigga.
There's a A story, a B Story.
No outline, go straight to script.
I don't need it.
(audience laughing)
I don't need it.
(graphic whooshing)