Opposers, here's a fun fact about me
that's also my Tinder bio:
I always win at board games.
I win at board games so much, nobody will play with me.
What can I say? I guess people just hate to see
a guy like me succeed.
Now, my strategy is simple: I play smart.
Some might call it "cheating," but that's-that's just a word
losers use to make themselves feel better.
So that's why I'm mad as hell about a new edition
of my favorite board game that just makes it harder
for winners to win. Take a whiff.
REPORTER: Are you a Monopoly cheater?
Well, then this newest version of the game is for you.
Hasbro is releasing a Cheaters Edition
of the game later this year.
The idea came after a survey revealed
that over half of Monopoly players
try to cheat during the game.
The new twist on this beloved board game
comes complete with cheat cards, free properties,
and even handcuffs attached to the board
to keep those cheaters chained to jail.
That's right. They try to put you in cuffs
for a real estate crime.
And they say this game is based in reality.
This new tabletop abomination includes 15 cheat cards
that actually tell players how to play smart.
Look, these cards are real.
There's Identity Theft that lets you move another player's piece
instead of your own, and Squatter's Rule
that lets you collect rent from another player's property.
Hasbro, stop giving away my moves!
Next, you're gonna tell my son Alito how I always destroy him
at Connect Four.
It's easy.
I never taught him how to count.
But this new Cheaters Edition
is clearly trying to handicap natural winners
by building our best sneaky strategies into the game.
There goes the neighborhood.
In fact, there go all the neighborhoods.
Boardwalk, Park Place,
Luxury Tax, Question Mark Land--
all of 'em.
Think about it: if everybody's cheating,
then nobody's cheating.
And cheating is the entire foundation of Monopoly.
It's right there in the origin story. You guys know this.
Monopoly was invented in 1903 by Elizabeth Magie,
pictured here on a counterfeit dime. Now...
this proto-Elizabeth Warren created the game
to expose the evils of capitalism.
But capitalism is flawless.
Here's proof: 30 years later,
an enterprising man stole the idea for her game,
rebranded it, and got rich off it.
And that's how you play Monopoly!
(cheering and applause)
Do not pass Go. Do not collect any money for your idea.
I get to be the car. Yay, capitalism.
This Cheaters Edition will do whatever it takes
to hobble winners. It even has a tattle-tale feature.
REPORTER: You report the cheater,
who's on your left or right, to Mr. Monopoly
via Facebook Messenger,
and then he will chime in
to settle disputes and crack down on rule-breaking
by handing out consequences in real-time.
That's right.
Monopoly has a special prosecutor now.
What's next, a district attorney for Gumdrop Mountain?
A court stenographer for Scrabble?
A building inspector for Jenga?
Sir, look, if you're gonna go in there, don't go in there.
But if you do, just tap on it with your index finger first.
I suspected this Cheaters Monopoly was part
of a larger plot. Some said I was paranoid.
But "paranoid" is just a fancy word for "always right."
So I did some digging.
That's when I found an article,
and hidden below the headline were dozens of smaller headlines
strung together in sequential order.
It was baffling.
But I eventually found a quote there from a Hasbro executive
admitting that the new version will "level the playing field"
and make sure cheaters don't have a "special advantage."
Level the playing field?
No special advantage?
This is not a drill.
-(siren wailing) -MALE VOICE: Socialism alert!
Socialism alert! Socialism alert!
-Socialism alert! -Opposers,
it is time to focus up!
We cannot let socialism invade Monopoly!
You can't run an electric company from your spot
in the bread line!
This new Cheaters Edition is simply un-American.
In this country, we reward people who play smart.
It's why billionaires get tax cuts
and why Republicans control Congress
and why Merrick Garland is currently bagging groceries
at a CVS somewhere.
There's nothing wrong with playing smart.
Just listen to our president.
He didn't pay any federal income tax,
-so if he's paid... -That makes me smart.
Yeah.
It makes him smart.
Do you know how high your IQ needs to be
for your businesses to weather six bankruptcies?
Smart.
But everywhere you look,
deep-state forces are making it harder to win unfair and square.
Check out Pennsylvania, where the state supreme court
ruled against partisan district maps.
Screw you, Pennsylvania!
And we can't sleep on Florida,
where a devious federal judge says
they can't bar ex-felons from voting.
That's gerrymandering and voter suppression--
two of our smartest plays.
And it's only getting worse.
Last week, I got maced in a Whole Foods
for sampling the grapes. I mean, come on!
People, America is all about playing smart.
It's who we are. We can't let some globalist board game
or state supreme court take that away from us.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got to pass Go and collect,
I don't know, let's say $700.