- I told her, I said, "This is not worth it,
this is, this is too much."
And she said, "Nope, it's worth it."
(hiphop music)
- [Producer] I've been married more than once.
Three, two, one. (woman laughs)
- You should come this way.
You've been married more than once.
- Oh! - I'm your second--
(participants laughing)
Welcome. - Hey.
(participants laughing)
- It's good nobody stopped on somewhat agree.
- Right. - Yeah.
- THat's kind
- I was like how do I talk about this,
- This is the once before you.
- [Girl Voice] We came into this marriage with realistic
expectations.
Three, two, one,
- Okay we're still there just so you know,
- I don't know that's a,
it's a tough question.
I mean-
- Is this is a test question or
a talk about question?
So here's the deal.
(all laughing)
A lot of people explained
and gave me great marital advice,
but what no one ever told me was it's
a full-time job and you're
working on yourself the entire time.
Because most of problems that I have
experienced in my marriage aren't
because my spouse did something wrong.
It's just something because I don't
agree with the way she did something
and we've both grown and it's been wonderful,
but I still go man why does that
still bother me.
I go how I know why cuz I'm selfish.
- Man we came into marriage
like shields up, sword drawn,
like this is gonna be the hardest thing
we ever walked through the biggest challenge,
longest challenge we're ever gonna have.
We did a ton of counseling like
premarital counseling.
Twelve, sixteen weeks,
(talking over each other)
Yeah specifically for blended families
and so through all that we were like,
okay here we go let's do it.
- Our expectations were not realistic we thought,
we're gonna get married, kids are gonna get along,
our marriage is gonna be perfect
down the road we go
and it was not like that at all.
- [Girls Voice] I have at times felt torn
between my spouse and my bio kids.
Three, two, one.
- I would say probably this is my biggest
struggle and because Addison and I had
so many years together just the two of us,
before I even had Coulter and it's
just really hard I feel like if he's
getting on to her being hard on her,
I'm torn between do I back you up or,
do I rescue her and it may even be something
I don't completely agree with them but
I'm stuck in the place of do I come
alongside my marriage even though
I don't agree and that's I think probably,
our biggest problem.
- yeah yeah that's us, I agree with that.
- yeah so this reminds
me a little bit of of what I've heard
where you know you want to put God first
put your spouse second and your children
and your other priorities below that and
ultimately in a blended family,
that can be difficult, especially in the beginning
you know and so there are times that
I find that we're we're we still even to
this day we've been married almost 11
years and it's still at times that's a struggle.
- well we've even come up with if one of
us is trying to handle a situation the
other one starts to give their two cents
if it's my biological child I'll tell
him I got this and he knows with that
I'm, he's backing off or the same thing
if he's getting on to Kiptyn and I start
to come in he'll look at me I got it and
I know that's my cue to back off and
let him handle it.
- [Girls Voice] I've been to counseling to
work on my marriage.
Three, two, one.
- As my pastor says
counseling is normal and it's okay and
you don't have to wait till the houses
on fire to do preventative measures and
so we just decided a long time ago that
we would do things in advance.
- Even in the good times it still uncovered some
junk that we had,
that we were dishing out to the other person so and
but it was so much easier to receive because we
were in a good place.
- I don't know about
you guys know we're so highly advanced.
- well and I had been to counseling before
we had gotten married and
while we were going through our struggles and
we felt like we were kind of meeting in the
middle and we reached out to church and
found the marriage class and started
going there and working through a lot of
the issues that you work through in counseling.
- [Girls Voice] There have been moments we considered
a divorce.
Three, two, one.
- We went we've been at that at that point
and her obviously not as much as me and
that's ultimately why we're standing
here today I told her I said this is,
this is not worth it this is this is,
too much and she said nope it's worth it.
On her own without any support from me or
anybody else she began to pray circles
around our home I mean literally walked around her house.
God really used that.
- yeah we pray
together every morning before the first
person who leaves for the day we've been
doing it for like seven years now and
man we love it, so no matter what the
situation no matter what happened the
night before, what's going on in our lives, we take time.
- There have been many times where even if
we'd had a fight the night before even a
disagreement that morning I it, it does not
matter we will still pray together.
- Less than eight percent of couples.
Christian couples pray together and
of that less than one percent of them get divorced
and when we heard that number I was like
holy cow.
I mean that is the key foundation for what has walked us
through it it just grows our faith it
helps us to voice those needs and
concerns to God and voice them together.
[Music]
- [Producer] so I just wanted it put something in
front of you that's like something to
talk about.
People watching haven't heard any of your story
as it relates to what you're holding.
Tell us more about that.
- So I will tell you and
kind of what led up to me finding the circle maker is,
in our relationship whenever we first got
married, up until about year five and
we would always say that I'm a skewer and
he's a spewer.
I felt like we needed to be united in front of the kids
and just this is what we're gonna do and do it
and Rockford was one that he just,
he would just say whatever was on his mind
and just let it all come out.
- It's kind of like when you dropped the Mentos into
the diet coke and the explosion that happens,
that's really was our relationship in terms of parenting.
- The circle maker is actually a book written
by Mark Patterson who has national
community church in Washington DC
throughout the book mark talks about
walking a seven mile cir- or prayer
circle and I actually had gotten the circle maker.
I had only made it a little bit of the
way through it and I came to the clear
understanding that Rockford did not want
to remain married anymore and
it was just one of those and I just felt it and
so I asked him about it and he confirmed
that he had been to the attorney's office
and that he was done and
our middle daughter which is actually the
middle blonde had to go to Washington DC
or she got to go to Washington DC and
I took that book with me as I went with her,
cuz she was only 11 and so,
I actually got to walk the streets of Washington DC
it was very surreal as I felt very, very,
clear that God was telling me to stand firm
and so in my mind there was,
no other option and so I had to get control of my heart
and I had to pray circles around what God wanted me to do
and whenever I got home back to Oklahoma.
I actually started praying circles around our house
and we live on one of the main streets in town so,
- In a small town so-
- There was several people that stopped
and wanted to know if I was locked out and,
- As I was watching you go around the
house it really yeah, so I guess in the
beginning it made me sort of angry so I
thought that it was stupid.
I think at the time the biggest fear was,
control I didn't want to give up control
and I don't think you really wanted to give up
control and that's that's ultimately,
what prayer did, God began to work in me
and he helped me see differently.
I noticed at that time she's not
responding the same way that she always has,
there is something different here.
- There was one night at the table where
he said okay I'm I'm really done,
I'm tired of all of this you know
we just need to go ahead and go through with
the divorce and I said you're not gonna take
my girls from me and he said, well I'll
give you visitation and I said no.
Be clear I have been in their lives longer
than their mom was in their lives and
you will not take my kids from me and
I stood up to that was not gonna happen
and it was for me that's whenever I saw
the change in him I saw that that night
he was like, almost like, almost like what just happened?
And then the next day he
started being more affectionate and
by September I feel like we were healed, if that's the
word for it.
- Yeah.
- [Producer] So there were a few things that, that
mark wanted to say to you guys so,
April if you would just read that,
for the both of you to hear.
- Rockford and April prayer changes things,
praise God,
celebrating the way you fought for your marriage,
on your knees.
It will change your family tree forever.
Please know I'm circling you in prayer work.
- That's pretty cool.
(laughs)
- I think ultimately
the reason that were coming up on 11
years is because we were both open to
hearing God's voice knowing that he was
calling us into an intimate relationship
with him and each other and
that he taught both of us submission.
I think that the children have been able to see,
a different way of doing things.
- I would say God first.
Keep your spouse second and pray circles
(laughs)
(happy music)