*Gruff sickly voice* Hello, everybody! My name is Markiplier!
And I'm sick.
Which is kind of cool. :D
Except for the fact that it's not. D:
I'm also back from PAX!
Which is kinda cool too, but not as cool as the fact that I get to bitch about me being sick!
My damn gerbil. It keeps falling.
Fuck you, gerbil.
I'm gonna eat you.
My gerbil's name is Larry. (Hi, Larry!) Don't bother him. He's not part of this video.
He doesn't wanna be a part of anything.
So don't bother him.
Ugh. So today, we're gonna be doing a different type of video.
In celebration of being sick!
Because that's something to celebrate.
And if it's not - well, then, fuck me. I don't care.
I'm on like three different types of cold medicine.
And my ability to give a fuck has been medicinally suppressed.
So, today, I'm gonna be doing the Don't Cringe Challenge - or Try Not To Cringe Challenge.
I'm probably gonna cringe. I can't even get through Borat.
So if you don't know about this challenge, there's certain videos on the internet that when you watch them,
you get the instinctive feeling to cave your entire face into your torso.
You know that feeling when you watch my videos and you're like
"Ooh, this isn't funny. Or entertaining." Yeah, that feeling.
Ugh. So, *coughs grossly*. Cough directly into the microphone, that's what you should do!
Yeah, that's a good video!
Put that on the internet!
So there's this lovely subreddit called "Cringe", or r/cringe if you're a redditor.
And on this on this redditldskjfds, there's a series of videos that are cringey.
And they're ranked in order of either all-time, year, or cringe of the month.
Which I'm hoping to win at some point in the future.
Maybe this video's gonna get there.
So what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna go through the top ones and see how long I can last
until my entire body condenses down into a black hole.
Let's cringe it up. I can't hear anything.
Goddammit.
Where's my gerbil?
Now we're properly equipped to do the cringe.
I can actually hear myself which is a phenomenal thing. You guys can't 'cause my fuckin' throat.
Okay, anyway, here we go.
Man in middle: Okay, let's give me a rhythm!
*Barely coordinated stomping and clapping to the beat of We Will Rock You*
So far so good.
WE ARE WE ARE WALMART
Others in circle: Everybody! One more time!
(Person filming joins in): We are, we are Walmart
Man in middle: Last time!
We are, we are Walmart!
This is normal.
Man in middle: Young man, young girl, welcome to Wally World, you're gonna be a cashier someday!
You got a smile on your face, you love this place, moving those (inaudible) all over the place!
Singin' we are, we are Walmart!
We are, we are Walmart!
One more time! We are, we are Walmart!
I don't see anything wrong with that video.
*Mark's mating call*
I may have inadvertently done the Don't Laugh Challenge.
But that's not what this is about.
Alright, so this video's seven minutes long.
But it's already climbing to the top of r/cringe.
And it was posted two days ago, so. It's called "Teacher 1st Day Cringee
(To the tune of "This Is What You Came For" by Calvin Harris ft. Rihanna)
Woman in dress: Math is what you came for, it's hard with time you will improve
Give math a (inaudible), yes I'm talking to you-u-u-u-u!
You-u-u-u-u-u!
Person filming: Stop walking around the room
(To the tune of "Work" by Rihanna)
The second bell work, work, work, work, work
(Tune of "Work from Home" by Fifth Harmony)
Mark: It's fine.
This is what normal people do in the- *coughing* the education system today.
Oh, this is fine.
She's a great teacher.
Ah.
Oh.
*Teacher continues singing*
We're only two minutes into this!!
Oh! Ho! Ahhhh.
I'm already sick!
AHHHHH
AHHHH I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ENOUGH PAIN
AHHH EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS ITCHY
I REALLY AM STARTING TO LIKE HER.
I WANNA HUG HER!
SHE'S DOIN' A GREAT JOB!
I wanna give her a big ol' hug.
She's doin' wonderfully.
You asshole kids!
YOU ASSHOLE KIDS!
START SINGING ANY TIME!
YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN AT ANY TIME!
*looks and drinks his problems away*
(Hotline Bling by Drake plays)
Oh god.
Teacher: I was calling on your cell phone, during the middle of class.
OHH!
That one kid in the back's trying to escape into his shirt to get away from this.
But I say, I wanna be in that classroom right now!
(Teacher singing inaudibly to the tune of "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen)
Give respect and be respected!
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm your teacher, so listen maybe!
Agh! I think there's some alcohol in this one.
Have a great year, don't get lazy, if you need anything, talk to this lady!
Mark: Ugh, I dun' feel good.
Huh.
Student: Wooo!
*applause*
Honestly, not that bad. *sure*
Agh, I gotta give her credit for finishing that. Because in this day, she knew someone was recording her.
And she still kept goin' on and I hope she becomes the world's best meme!
Because that was amazing!
I do not feel good.
Not from the video, from the medicine.
And dancing. And this video.
"I'm removing this video in 24 hours." Good God, don't!
What are you doing?!
Oh my god, this video is unlisted! Holy shit!
I'm gonna share it!
Oh my god, I'm gonna share it! Yes!
I'll put the video in the description!
Yes!
I want this teacher to get all the love in the world!
This teacher is amazing! This teacher is the best teacher! She should win awards!
She should win everything! I want all the love in the world to go to this teacher!
She is fantastic! (mark you might be a little too sick)
Oh God, I do not feel good.
*Off-camera coughing*
No...
Guy in green: Hold your ground, hold your ground!
I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me
The day may come, when the strength of men fail, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship
But it is not this day!
I bid you, stand, men of the West! For Frodo!
*Laughing in disbelief*
I can't do this shit.
(Disturbed's "Down With The Sickness" plays)
Man on stage: "ooh wah ah ah ah"
*Mark laughing*
"Ooh wah ah ah ah!"
*Suppressed laughter*
I don't know why I'm trying not to laugh. I think that it kinda like blended together a bit.
Man in video: The reason you lift your head is because you already believe
You're saying, "I believe."
You know? And I, we just giving you an opportunity to confess and before many--
He sees you, little guy in the back.
"Little guy"--I'm-- Not a midget, he's a... He's a... Child.
I mean, I didn't want anyone to think I was offending a midget.
It's fine.
Nothin'. Nothin'.
Can I search for me?
Putting in my search to r/cringe. Please. Dear God. Please
"Jack Black and Markiplier play FNAF 4 while Jack promotes his new film Goosebumps,"
"clearly disinterested while Mark desperately tries to make some jokes."
I bet the comments on this are going to be wonderful and lovely and totally in my favor.
"I didn't find that to be awkward,"
"they were just shooting the shit and talking about the movie."
"I thought it was a good video anyway... slash shrug."
"I feel the same exact way."
"I already like Jack Black, and Mark too- is too humble and nice of a guy for me to cringe at."
"Most of the time."
*Record scratch*
'MOST OF THE TIME'-
*coughs*
Ugh
Oh, Jesus.
HOW DARE YOU?
"Plus his voice is nice to listen to when he's not freaking out."
Oh! Is that so?! And you call yourself a fan?!
Jesus.
HOW'S THIS FOR A NICE - *sniffles* excuse me
Good god
*keeps sniffling* Ah, Jesus.
HOW'S THIS VERY NICE TO LISTEN TO?!
Anyways, that was actually nicer than I thought it'd be.
Where are the bad comments?
"Mark is always cringe. This was just icing on the cake."
"He's 99.9% less cringe than pewdiepie."
"That's like being 99.9% less hot than the sun."
Huh. Okay. "How hot is the sun?"
The sun is 5,777 degrees Kelvin on the surface.
But we want that in a system that we probably know so "5,777 K to F" say.
Which means that it's 9,938.93 degrees Fahrenheit.
Or, 5,503 degrees Celsius.
So, we know the 99.9% less means 1/1000th.
So if we pull up our handy dandy calculator here,
all we have to do is divide 5,503.85 by *coughs* by a thousand, sorry.
Which means, 5.5 degrees Celsius.
And if you want that in Fahrenheit,
I believe it was 9,938.93, something like that?
All you have to do is divide 9,938.93 by a thousand.
And I am 9.94 degrees Fahrenheit.
So I have mathematically proved I am cooler than Pewdiepie.
And the sun.
Suck on that Zcrash.
Oh God.
Okay, I think I'm done. I've been editing for a long time,
my voice is really starting to go, so I'm gonna end this here.
I hope you enjoyed this video, I'll try to provide links for all the videos that I cringed to or did not cringe to.
I'll leave it up to you.
In the description below.
I'm very tired. I don't feel well. But I really hope you enjoyed this video.
I'll try to get more regular videos out soon.
I'm chuggin' down as much cold medicine as I can but that never actually cures you!
It just masks the symptoms!
And I need water for my throat.
So, thank you everybody so much for watching!
And as always, I will see you in the next video!
Bye bye! *voice cracks*