Hello guys I want to talk to you about this video I recently posted about how a lack
of appreciation can cause major workplace issues. Now I cross post on
many places and one of the Facebook groups I use is bullying harassment and
discrimination in the workplace. These are the people who are targeted by me
specifically because I know that they could probably use a little help. So I
just got a notification say that there was a comment. I'm like awesome! I love
engaging with people to see what's going on and I read it and I thought - well
that's not exactly what I was expecting. So I wanted to share with you what was
said and then kind of talk to you about the decision tree.
So Nicole writes while I get you're trying to get followers your information
is useless for people that are being bullied and harassed in their workplace.
Okay first of all I find that kind of ironic because my information is
directly targeted for those who feel bullied and harassed in the workplace. So
makes me think I need to work on my marketing and my messaging, but... by the
time people get to this site - meaning the bullying harassment and discrimination
in the workplace Facebook site- it is because they've already tried reporting
it and being ignored by a system that sees them as causing the problem rather
than help stop the harassment. Do I know this happens? Absolutely this is why I do
what I do. The sting of being overlooked along with the other video I saw you
post are completely tone-deaf. All right we're getting a little bit of an insight
into what she feels about my videos but here's the great thing Nicole, you have
the choice as to whether you consume them, whether you integrate it, or whether
you pass right by. I appreciate you taking the time to send me a message
it's obviously not a message for you. These videos would be better for people
working in a harassment free job that are dealing with minor office politics.
Okay first of all fin if they're in a harassment free job they have no need
for this content because they have no problems. Minor office politics -
absolutely! That's exactly where we should be interacting before it becomes
a big issue. Getting overlooked is the least of one's problems when their
workplace is emotionally socially and even physically unsafe for them. I agree.
We want to make sure that we don't get to that stage. So I thought about this
and you know one of the first things, if I were to be completely honest, one of
the first things I saw and wanted to react to was that my messages were
useless and tone-deaf; partially because I know me. I know my experiences. I know
my research. I know my skillset and I know that the impact I can have. So I
initially wanted to be defensive but I know I have a choice. This is a decision
tree. I can write back and become defensive or I can write back and become
curious, or I can write back and become grateful. I have a choice. So I'm going to
share with you how I decided to interact with this and it wasn't didn't take me
long to make that choice. I quickly moved out of the feeling offended into I want
to help. So here's what I wrote. I am trying to serve. If people find value and want to
access the content they have a choice. Right off the hop, I'm instilling to
Nicole she has the power to walk on by this material. I have a different belief
system I suppose than the one you present. It's an assumption- I don't know.
I do not find information useless. There are many people at different stages in
their journey, in different positions, and with different needs as it relates to
identifying toxic workplace behaviors, learning how to manage their own
reactions and interactions, and recovery. Again this is about ownership and choice -
it's a decision. I was one of those people who was bullied and was so afraid
to leave my home. I live with the anxiety and panic attacks and recovered from
agoraphobia. I felt she needed to know where my expertise was coming from. I
didn't get into all of the education and the communication training that I do and
the conflict management I do. I did not feel it was necessary. I just wanted to resonate
with her that I am here, I'm one of you. I could have easily allowed myself to slip
into the depths of depression and become irrelevant in this world. It was not what
I wanted and I had to make a choice to change my life
and reclaim it. Again I'm talking about empowerment and decision of self. It is
hard to work and not ... um it is hard work and not everyone is ready to do it. This is
my acknowledgement that I don't believe Nicole is in a place to
do the work that she can do to take the power back in her life. Now again this is
a perception, but it's based on her ... her interaction with me. My hope is with
repeated exposure in education I will help others move out from toxic
behaviors and move towards living a more peaceful and connected lifestyle. My hope
for you is that you see the value and share this message to those who may need
it but are unsure or afraid to seek it. It is only when we come together and
support initiatives that they can take flight. I thought that's pretty good. uh
it wasn't long after that then I got another message that she had replied, and
it's quite a lengthy one. I'll try just to highlight some of it.
There we go, it's all this here. After reading this message I feel like I am
confident in my assumptions about this particular person in that
she's really hurting. She's struggling. She's feeling very much like a victim.
I've been there. I was also wanting somebody to just do
something for me. But this is about empowerment for yourself Nicole. So here
we go. Conquer Conflict it's likely because you don't know what people are
dealing with you haven't the foggiest idea what it is like to fear waking up
every day because that means you have to go to a job where you are afraid for
your own safety and where management and HR see you as the problem because you
have the audacity to just hope that they may stop the harassment instead of seeing you as
the problem. I do understand what it is like to be fearful every day waking up. I
also know what it is like to have management and HR feel like they are not on
my side. It isn't helpful for those being harassed that they have bigger problems
to deal with. In fact it is minimizing their plight and essentially insinuating
they are the problem and if they would just listen to your advice, bullies will
stop bullying, harasser's will stop harassing and their supervisors would do
their job to ensure this. In fact in my videos I talked about self empowerment
and I don't talk at all about how we change others. I talk about how to
impact your own relationships. So this to me is
again, I think evidence that this person is looking for someone to do something
for her. I totally get it. That these people will
miraculously start caring and be nice if the victims here change their approach.
As I said things like how to deal with favoritism lol tone deaf. Now we're
crossing a line from sharing her opinions to mocking, belittling,
intimidation maybe, and this these are consistent with bullying like behaviors
and this is why we talk about conflict, and conquering conflict - is being aware
of our own behaviors and how we are contributing to a conversation. How about
how to deal with not being able to go to the bathroom at work because if you do
people will follow you so that they can say that you did something you didn't do
to get you fired. So you hold your urine and feces all day. This sounds like a
horrible place to work and it sounds like you might be mocking what I'm
trying to help people with, and those who are also going through this. This is not
what we want people to do. Maybe you can help people manage their bladder better
because that was something I needed to manage better. I would say that is not
something you need to manage better. In fact that's a health concern for me as a
nurse, but if that's what you think you needed to do to deal and feel safe then
that was one of your choices to make. How to deal with people pushing things into you,
blocking your path, and threatening to rape you and still do your job well. Now
this is serious. These are physical threats and physical threats are not
what I help people deal with. I do guide people to use the proper authorities, use
the proper processes and documentation. Is it a perfect system? Absolutely not!
And if you've done all this stuff and you still choose to go to work, you have
the option of maybe stress leave, you have the option of finding a different
job, you have the option of calling in and taking a sick day - providing I know
that you're still getting funded. There are some contextual things where people
don't have those benefits. I understand that. How to get your boss to believe you
and to do something about about it when he honestly doesn't care and won't -
doesn't care or want to be bothered. You can't get your boss to believe anything.
This is the whole thing about conquering conflict. It is
not about changing another person, it is about changing self. Everyone here has
managed their reactions more than you realize. So you know to speak on behalf
of everyone, these are broad generalizing statements. When you use the words
everyone, always. Those are trigger words that show me that you are probably
really struggling and I do hope you find some help, because everyone is not here
with the same thing. The problem isn't the people on the site and your message
that they need to change they need to manage their reactions is just piling up
the message that they got at their job that the problem is them. I'm not saying
anybody has to change. I'm saying should you choose to change - I have some tools
that will help you decrease the negative impact of conflict in your life and you
will live a more peaceful and a more connected life. You can um when you're ready
you can come and explore that more with me. The problem is the harassment and
bullying going on in the workplace and bosses allowing it and blaming the
victim. I absolutely agreeT this is a problem. It's a significant problem which
is why I'm one of the voices trying to help people reduce the impact. Listen to
some people's stories on the site and tell me how your video of being
overlooked is relevant to people that post here. Again this is borderline bully
like behavior and maybe intimidation trying to make me feel like what I'm
contributing is not valuable. So there's a lot in there that I could react to and
choose to engage - I choose to engage in a loving way. Right. Had she said this all
to my face it probably would have been a little different. I wouldn't have had as
much time to process .But, I did, I am gonna offer Nicole an opportunity.
Nicole would you like to have a Facebook live conversation to clear up some of
your misunderstandings? I think it will help you move past the negative emotions
you have right now so that you can be part of the solution and not contribute
to the ongoing problems. Hating on me is not your issue - so let's see if we can
become allies in the fight against bullying. That was almost an hour ago and
while I did see the speech bubbles come up a couple of times,
she has yet to respond to my offer. And I thought I would just share this in terms
of okay first of all there are things here that most of us would react to.
Right. The messaging of all this is useless, you're tone deaf, you're not
hearing me, you don't get it. We all want to defend that yes I do understand you,
but I choose a different pathway. I chose to be kind. In my mind, she had a
different perspective so she came back with a little bit more uh to say. Again
I could have reacted to you know she's laughing at what I'm talking about, that
I'd seem to be tone deaf again that's in there, that I don't understand what it's
like, I haven't the foggiest idea. There's an awful lot of accusations and these
accusations come from perception - misperception, and she's sitting right in
those in the judgement zone from her interpretation and the reality. And
unless she's willing to move out of that judgment zone and have a conversation
with me to understand really what's going on here, you will always stay in
judgment. So I share that as a learning
opportunity for you all watching in that you do have the choice. You do have the
power and what you do is it influences what you receive.