Is being too busy a turn off to a man and what do you do when his friends
are talking smack abou you?
That's the topic I asked Mark today.
It's week number 35 hit that big red subscribe button and let's get straight into it.
First question is from ThatNiceGirl, and ThatNiceGirl says, Hey Mark, great video is always, this
might be a bit of an odd question, but I'm men turned off by women with busy schedules?
It just seems to be something I noticed on a daily basis and having a fairly busy schedule
myself.
I'm wondering if this is scaring men away.
I want to make this abundantly clear.
Men, I'm not, not, not, not turned off by busy women.
However, men are turned off by insecurity or defensiveness and men are turned off by
de-prioritization.
When you're busy, and I talk a lot about this on the channel, is filling your life with
things you love, activities you enjoy so that when men are meeting you, they are really
vibing to you, you've got a great energy and you're connecting fantastically.
Now when you're busy, there's less opportunities to do that.
So one problem that busy women and busy men have, and I've been guilty of this, is being
too busy to make time to prioritize dating and the people they're dating.
So if you're so busy that you can't set a date for three weeks if you're so busy that
your schedule is just so jam-packed that men are like priority number 17 in it, of course
that's going to be a turn off.
It'd be a turn off for you as well.
I remember I once had a date and we had to, we had to book the date like four weeks in
advance, like four Friday nights in advance.
And the date actually went great.
But she messaged me after and she sort of said, "Mark, you're too busy for this.
Like we, I had fun with you but this isn't really for me."
And I have mad respect for that cause she was absolutely right.
I wasn't prioritizing her or dating and it was a total turn off, right?And the same applies
in reverse.
If you're so busy that you're not prioritizing men or dating, a self-respecting man is going
to go away.
The other reason we sometimes make ourselves busy is that we're scared.
We don't want to be the more vulnerable one.
And I see this in some clients who have been really hurt in the past is they go, "I'm going
to be so busy now that I'm not going to have the time.
I'm going to be always the one in control with the power.
I'm always going to be the one that's going to leave."
And the problem is when you are always wanting to be in the position of power in the less
vulnerable position, people and men will match that energy by also wanting to be in the less
vulnerable position.
They'll sense that your just slightly drawing back and now want to just draw back
themselves to protect themselves and you know, maintain their own power.
So for example, I remember I had a client and she was in a relationship, but she just
wasn't making time for her boyfriend.
She said, I've got my theater and I've got my two jobs.
I've got my girls' time on weekends.
I want to see him.
I just don't have time for him and this client had been hurt particularly badly in the past
by making herself really vulnerable to a man and I could see, and I had to kind of show
her how this was a reaction to her previous relationship and that how she was going to
keep this guy.
She had to get more comfortable being vulnerable.
When you're vulnerable with someone, person tends to be vulnerable back.
When you are defensive and inhibited with someone, the reaction will be he'll be defensive
or inhibited back.
You want to make sure that you're not just being busy, so that you can just
avoid being the more vulnerable party all of the time.
Sometimes you are going to be the more vulnerable party in a relationship.
You can't always set it up so that you always have control.
Otherwise you set up very defensive relationships.
Plus, when you actually really liked the guy, you've now gotta change the whole dynamic.
If you're being busy just to avoid being vulnerable, then men are going to be turned off by that.
If you're being busy and you're not prioritizing men or dating at all, men are going to be
turned off by that.
If you're being busy, but you're saying, do you know what?
I'm still gonna make time for the people that matter and the people that I like, that's
going to be a massive turn on for a guy.
Great question.
Second question is from Ana de Jesus, de Jesus, I don't know.
Hey Mark. Uh, I have a question.
There is this guy that really likes me and he has told a lot of people but those people
he did tell don't like me and constantly keep on telling him negative stuff about me.
So what should I do because I really like him and I don't want him to pull away from me?
So the question is, should I tell him that it's better to keep our relationship hidden
for some time? And if yes, how?
Hell no you should not be doing that.
Confident women do not hide who they are and
do not hide away from his friends, et cetera.
You've got to let your actions do the talking, Ana.
Now, I don't know what you've done to cause people to bad mouth you.
Uh, you might've done nothing at all.
These might be just jealous friends or jealous women, or you might have instigated it somehow
in a way that you're not aware of or you might actually know.
Regardless, what you've got to do now is let your actions do the talking.
You can't talk him into being with you or talk him into hiding this.
It just makes you look defensive and basically guilty.
If you're trying to convince him, Oh no, stay with me.
Oh we should hide our relationship.
How guilty do you look?
Right?
As opposed to you just let your actions do the talking.
You just be a high-value respective, respectful, outstanding woman.
And then he gets to decide.
He gets the stories from his friends and he gets what he actually sees from your actions.
Now, there's always the chance that he will bring it up and ask you about it, in which
case, you want to be able to explain yourself in a situation, in a way that makes sense
to him, but without being derogatory on his friends, the way they were derogatory with
you.
So you might say, "yeah, look, I can see why Cindy was saying that. This is
kind of what happened.
This is why she'd be annoyed about it.
You know, I'm not mad at her.
She's, she's a good girl.
I can see what happened in this situation and why she took it that way, even though
that's not the way I see it."
And then just let your actions do the talking.
Go back to being the high value woman you are.
He can kind of process it in his head and then he can decide, well, I want to stay with
this girl or I want to go.
You can't control his actions or you can control is your actions and the white people perceive
you off of those actions is going to be up to them.
And finally, this isn't an actual question.
Um, but we had the emotionally unavailable partner video come out.
And I just want to share a comment with you because it's kind of a, it's like
the hidden toxic male dating personality.
He's not abusive, he's not controlling, he's not narcissistic.
He's not angry, he's not an addict.
He doesn't have any of the classics that we think are bad.
And I just wanted to highlight this comment from Ashleigh, and Ashleigh said, "tomorrow,
I will be married for 30 years to my husband.
In other words, today would be her 30th wedding anniversary.
And you just described him to a T. I didn't realize this until about 10 years ago.
I was only 19 and he was 31 when we met 26 and 39 when we married.
I did everything you said not to do.
Plus I tried everything you said a lot, but to no avail.
Now, like you said, we are just a roommate, uh, but without the sex.
I've lost all my love for him, but not wanting anything bad to happen to him, but I am done."
And if you didn't believe how toxic emotionally unavailable partners have
the potential to be,
read this comment, read it again.
Ashleigh spent 30 years in this kind of relationship, and this is how it's ended up.
She hasn't been controlled, she hasn't been hit, she hasn't been abused, but she's been
emotionally dead in her connection.
So if you don't think that's a toxic male dating personality up with the others, have
a read of Ashleigh's comment, and you might want to change your mind.
Well, good questions today.
Thank you for watching.
Let me know if you have further questions, I'd love to answer them in Ask Mark next week.
Put them in the comments below.
I'd love to hear from you.
Give the video a thumbs up and make sure you hit that big red subscribe button as well.
And I shall see you in one week's time.
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