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- Hi there and welcome back to The Parenting Junkie.
The place to go to love parenting
and for parenting from love.
Today I'm excited to talk about a really important topic
and that is time-ins.
And the difference between time-ins and time-outs,
specifically with regards to a tantrum, in this case.
So, I'm going to read to you a letter that I got from Maddie
So I'm going to read to you
a letter that I got from Maddie this week.
Dear Parenting Junkie,
My four year old son still has huge temper tantrums
and often his behavior is out of control.
My husband and I are adamantly against spanking
and we try not to shame or punish.
But there have to be consequences for his actions,
we refuse to raise a brat so we've been using time-outs.
For those of you who don't know,
time-outs is basically taking your child
when they're behaving in a way that you don't like
and putting them in isolation on a chair
or in a designated room where they have to stay
for a certain amount of time by themselves
as a consequence of their actions or as a punishment in fact
We have had some successes with them
but they are very stressful as we have to hold the door
while he kicks and screams for a really long time.
Plus, we've been recently reading that time-outs
are considered punitive and that they may have
negative effects on our relationship with our son.
Where do you stand on time-outs?
And what can we do instead, when he is out of control?
Thanks for your amazing blog,
I watch it every week and have made my hubs
sit through them all. (laughs)
Poor man.
Maddie.
Maddie, thank you so much for writing in
and what an important question.
Here's the thing, the reasoning behind time-outs
is that when a child's behavior is not convenient
or not socially acceptable they should be isolated
so that they learn that this type of behavior
isn't acceptable in our society.
The issue is that almost all of the time
and especially for very young children,
when a child is behaving in a difficult way
they're behaving that way because they're having a hard time
Not because they're some kind of miniature devil
out to humiliate and exasperate us.
But because they are young humans
with the brain development to match,
and they simply have not got the developed upstairs brain
as Doctor Dan Siegel calls it,
that adults have.
So they can't regulate themselves
and they can't just sit down and be quiet
and use their words the way that we always wish upon them.
So when you say your child is out of control,
he probably is literally out of control.
And here's the thing, is that children evolutionarily
seek proximity to their caregivers.
It's their most basic survival tactic
and it has really worked for millennia.
And this is why when we send them into isolation,
into a time out, it's a serious threat.
They really really don't like it.
'Cause forced isolation,
or banning them from our contact and from our love
sends them into a legitimate panic.
And you know, the thing is that when your kid
is already having a hard time regulating themselves
and is already out of control,
the last thing we want is to send them into such a panic.
They're already having difficulty managing their behavior.
We don't want to exasperate that.
And the other thing is that it doesn't actually teach them
any positive lessons.
It doesn't teach them the lessons we want
to teach in that moment.
If a distressed child is cowering in her room
after an infraction,
she's simply learning that when she messes up,
her parents will not be there for her.
Even though it's not meant that way,
even though we mean to teach her positive lesson
about what's socially accepted,
she's learning that there's a limit to love.
And she may plotting how next time she won't get caught
or, even worse, internalizing that she is a bad kid
and not lovable.
Now if your child wants time-outs,
says something like, "I need time, I'm going to my room."
Or I'm going to the garden, great.
That is, by no means, a punishment.
But the question is, what can you do
when your child is behaving in an out of control way
and is not taking a time-out to calm down?
Now, before I dive into what to do,
allow me to strongly recommend the book,
No-Drama Discipline
by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.
Where this topic is discussed in the most
cohesive and comprehensive way
and it's just a fantastic read.
So a lot of this is based on the stuff that I have learnt
reading their work, that book and others.
But his five ways to set a limit
in an empathic and non-punitive way.
So the first thing that we all must do as parents
is to shift our thinking.
Instead of thinking about your child
as defiant, difficult, or oppositional,
begin to cultivate a kinder and more accurate way
of describing a child in the throes of a fit.
For example, having a hard time, is a good one.
Or a child who is upset, is another.
Begin to think of a frightened or freaked out little animal,
how would you respond to them?
Would you send them into isolation?
Would you scare them?
Would you tower over them?
Or would you scoop them near?
Even if your child is testing you or misbehaving,
this, again, probably indicates upset, disconnect
or confusion about what's appropriate.
Not meanness or brattiness.
So we've really gotta shift our thinking
about misbehavior or tantruming.
The second is that you've gotta regulate yourself.
You can not be there for your child in an effective way
unless you yourself are not getting triggered.
So the most important thing is to center yourself
whether that is with deep breaths,
with really internal thinking,
with reminding yourself,
I've got his back.
I'm staying the course.
I am the rock.
Affirmations like, I am the adult,
I can tolerate, handle and even embrace
his wild, big, bad, emotions and see him through
safely to the other side.
Remind yourself that all emotions pass
and gear yourself to stay the course of this tantrum.
The next thing is to offer support.
Some kids, when tantruming, do not want to be touched
or even looked at, my own son included.
Some kids need a firm embrace.
Figure out what your child is craving most
and it can be, it can change drastically
from one moment to the next.
And offer it openly, lovingly and patiently.
Often the words, I'm here for you when you're ready.
Or I have a hug for you when you're ready.
Or I will wait until you're ready to speak or to hug,
can be helpful but really non verbal signals
are probably more helpful.
Show your child that you are not a threat with your body.
That you are not angry.
That you are there for them.
Crouch down to their eye level,
or even below their eye level,
so that you're really not threatening.
Put your body in an ultra relaxed position.
Get up against the wall or in a corner,
make soft eye contact and open your fingers an palms
towards them, speak in a gentle voice
and really then, all you can do is to wait.
Once your child is open to you and is interested,
you can connect.
And this is only once your child has begin
to overcome their distress
and their brain can begin to regulate and integrate again.
Their breathing might get a bit steadier,
maybe even they stop crying or crack a little joke
or reflect on what happened.
Sometimes they'll suddenly come out
with a very simple line like, "I didn't like that."
And now you can start connecting,
physically, eye contact.
Once your child is calm and connected with you,
you might openly ask him something really simple like,
what's going on, friend?
Or, you were so upset.
You can just reflect on their emotions.
Let your child speak first and connect to their distress,
do not try to bring in the behavior yet.
After you've connected, you can get to number five.
Which is teaching.
And this really is the first teachable moment
since the whole tantrum began.
The first time that your child has actually capable
of possibly hearing you.
So here's your chance to succinctly and without judgement
offer up an idea.
Something like, next time please don't throw the dish
on the floor, even if you don't like what's inside it.
You could say, Mommy I don't like this, thank you.
Or you might say something like,
I know you were so mad, you were so mad
but I don't want you to hit your brother.
Hitting hurts.
Just keep it simple.
Offer a simple and quick explanation.
Now, I know what you're thinking
but I wanna set your mind at ease.
Time-ins will not spoil your child.
This is not permissive parenting,
you are still setting a limit.
You will not teach them that it's okay to hit
or lie or snatch or whatever.
But it will teach them that you were there for him
even, or especially, when he's at his worst.
And that you will help to guide him back
to a safe space where his brain and emotions
are more regulated and integrated.
And although in this example we discussed a tantrum,
time-ins can be used for misbehaviors like hitting
or snatching and you might say something like,
I can see you're having a really hard time being gentle,
we'll go sit together outside
until you're ready to be gentle.
And kind of enforce a time-in
when your child just can not manage.
And that might bring on a tantrum,
removing a child from a situation.
They might suddenly start crying,
but that means that there was a lot of emotions pent up
and your child needs to release them
so embrace that, invite the tantrum in.
Let them get it all out,
it's really better out than in
and a post tantrum child
is a happier child, no mistake.
So, I wanna ask you,
have you tried time-ins?
Do they work for you?
What were your thoughts on time-outs?
I'd love to hear in the comments below.
And the best place to have this discussion is over at
The Parenting Junkie.com
So head on over and leave a comment now.
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Keep on parenting from love
and loving parenting because your kids need you
almost as much as you need them.
Thank you so much and see you next time
on the Parenting Junkie.
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