Hey.
It's Clayton Olson.
And in this video, we're gonna talk about 3 ways to save yourself from heartache while
out there dating and ultimately looking for a partner.
Now if this is your first time to my channel, I want to encourage you to subscribe by clicking
on the little green or red bell button below this video.
And I release videos a couple times a month on personal development, neuro linguistic
programming, as well as how all that stuff relates and ties into dating, relationships,
repairing relationships, and ultimately, having a really solid relationship with yourself
so that you can be out there in the world and create relationships from a solid foundation.
Now, let's dive into this content.
I'm pretty excited about it just because I see so many people do these, or let's just
say, have symptoms of bad habits while they're dating.
Bad habits of ways of seeing the world, ways of seeing other people, that are unconscious
largely that ultimately have one set themselves up to experience more heartache.
So, let's dive into the first one, because here's the thing, just before I even dive
into the first one.
I want to say that dating is like the wild west.
Often the only North Star that you have in dating is that you look at your own principles
that you operate under.
You decide what kind of person you want to be, and you go out in the world, and hopefully,
you find somebody who also shares those same values.
And that's really what it's about is navigating the field so you can find someone who has
a deep value match with you.
And along the way, you're gonna experience many characters.
You're gonna experience many folks that are a complete mismatch.
You'll experience folks that you're really attracted to and there's tons of chemistry,
but ultimately, a relationship would be the worst thing in the world for you.
I'm sure if you're watching this video, you've probably experienced that, or maybe you're
in the middle of it right now.
So when we can get a little bit of closer to some rules or some maneuvers that we can
make internally that will allow us to waste less time, reap situations more clearly, and
show up with more certainty, I think it's a win-win for everybody, including the people
that you're interacting with.
So let's dive in.
Alright.
The first tip that I have for you is it's an antidote to a common problem that I see
and let me know if you can relate to this.
So say you're dating somebody and you've been having a good time getting to know them and
then maybe they throw you some attitude, or some disapproval, or let's just say, worse
they even maybe they start to pull away and they're not even telling you why.
The first thing that I see people do in that situation, who are the ones having have a
person pull away from them, is they make that mean something about them.
They make it mean something about their own value.
They make it mean something about their dating marketplace worth.
And they start to come to crazy conclusions like, if I was different, if I was better,
if I was more this, that then the person wouldn't be showing up this way.
They wouldn't be acting that way.
And I want to say that that is a really destructive way yet looking at the situation and not giving
yourself a lot of generosity, or self-love in this situation.
Essentially, what you're doing there is you're introjecting.
Okay.
This is called Introjection.
Where projection is you're taking qualities that you have and you're putting them on to
other people, and they really mean something about you.
Introjection is taking other people's actions and the things that they're doing or saying
and making them mean something deeply about you.
We want to stop doing that.
First of all, we want to notice when we're doing that so that we can immediately pause,
be mindful, take a deep breath and say, “Wait a second.
Okay.
What if this has nothing to do with me?” and then we put the responsibility back where
it belongs which is over on their side of the fence.
If someone's pulling away from you, someone doesn't text or call you back, someone treats
you in an unkind way; rather than meaning something about you, it means something about
them.
It is really useful beautiful information for you to know or to recognize so that you
can cut ties with that person, draw boundaries and walk away if you need to.
That's the reframe there is it doesn't mean something about you, it means something about
them.
And getting that kind of information where people show their true colors is what a great
asset and being able to move on and not waste time with people that ultimately aren't good
for you, and they're not going to treat you in the highest way possible.
So, the next one is, essentially, it comes down to like backwards qualifying.
We'll just call it Backwards Qualifying.
So, what that means is I'm out there dating, and perhaps, I'm initially attracted to somebody,
and what I'm doing then is I'm trying to get them to be attracted to me.
My focus, if we were to like maybe just pause as I'm on an interaction with somebody as
I may be dating them, if we were to look at where my focus is, the internal question that
I might be operating under is one of how can I get this person to like me, or does this
person like me, or is this person attracted to me.
Now, look this is common but everybody does this at one point in their life, however,
it's not empowering.
Because what often happens is if we are operating under that internal question when we're on
a date, we may be missing really just clear red flags that should tell us to walk away
and not waste time with somebody who might have a personality disorder, who might not
have our best interest in mind, who ultimately, might not really be compatible with us.
In some ways dethroning that charmer, that seducer that you might have, where you're
trying to get the person to like you on the date.
And you switch it around and you realize that this is about qualifying them, it's about
determining whether they are actually in line with your values, whether they would be a
suitable partner, whether you want to see them again.
It means shelving your attraction for them and it means not participating in the game
that that internal question of do “they like me, or are they attracted to me,” that
it comes with that.
And it switches the question to “do I like them?
How are they relationally with me?
Would they be a good partner?
Do I want to see them again?”
Those are better questions for you to operate under because number one, it presupposes that
you have value, and that you are the one qualifying, and you're also then not wasting time with
the wrong people.
I've seen many women and men get in relationships with folks that they're initially attracted
to because they get caught up in this game of really wanting to see if they can get the
approval of the other person.
And what is unfortunate about that is if that's the game that you're playing and it's silent
even if it's not excited explicitly, it can often end up in you being manipulated and
also held hostage by their approval-disapproval of you which can get you in a horrible loop
with the wrong person.
The switch is from you qualifying yourself to them and having them qualify themselves
to you.
And this is just an internal maneuver you make, and it means slowing down and noticing
what question you have in your mind, while you're on the date with a person.
If you're looking to get their approval, and you're trying to please them, and you're trying
to look for a sliver of whether they're attracted to you or not, we're gonna do that at times.
That's okay but just to come back and re-center is of the utmost importance here.
And the third and final tip to save you from heartache is this: for those that you are
deciding, whether they are going to be a candidate as a possible partner, judge them based on
relationship criteria versus individual criteria.
What I mean is this: there's people that I've talked to that have certain possible candidates
in their field that they're attracted to that they are wanting a relationship with.
And when I asked them, how do you know that you want a relationship with that person?
Their answer is they give me all of these individual criterions about the person.
Like they have a great sense of humor, they take care of themselves, they've got a great
job, I like the way that they make decisions, I like the way that I feel around them.
And yet when we look at what it actually is that creates a relationship that makes a long-term
relationship work, it has less to do with the person's sense of humor and individual
criteria, although those things do matter having high integrity and taking care of yourself,
we want of values overlap there; but the invitation here from me to you is to take the most important
criteria and it start off with that at the top.
And what is one of the most important criteria to start off with?
Well, is this person open to and wanting a long term relationship in their life?
That's it.
That's the one that goes at the very top.
And if the person is confused about it if they don't feel like they're quite ready then
it doesn't matter how amazing of an individual they are, they'll make a great friend, maybe
they're perfect for somebody else who is also confused and doesn't know what they want;
but for you somebody who's clear ,who's ready, who wants to commit and be in a long-term
relationship.
Stop wasting your time on people that are great people but they're horrible in relationship,
or they're just not ready to be in relationship, it'll save you months of time, years of time.
And it will also get rid of all of the insecurities that come with being with somebody who you're
secretly trying to change, who you're secretly hoping that if somehow you just shift a little
bit ,or you wait long enough, or you just give, give, and give and then somehow their
hearts gonna crack open and they'll finally be yours.
That's a fantasy.
That's incredibly romantic but it rarely happens in real life.
And it's typically a path to becoming bitter about love and getting really angry at the
opposite sex and holding resentments and ultimately not risking any more of your heart in the
game of love.
So, if you find yourself doing that stop it and move these criteria that we're talking
about in terms of their relational openness up to the very top.
Those are the three tips.
I hope that you enjoyed them.
I hope that they provide a little bit of enlightenment while you're out there in the wild west of
dating and finding somebody to spend your life with.
And if you're a woman watching this video and you have not seen my webinar that I put
on with Jack Butler called the 3 Keys to Being Relationship Ready – How to Attract to Keep
a High-Quality Man.
I highly encourage you to check that out.
It’s in the link below this video.
It's 90 minutes of some of the best content that I've put out there.
We've had it running for a couple years now.
We've done some updates to it.
We've made it even better added some more depth and some more information to it.
And it's transformational in nature, so I can guarantee that if you check it, stay for
the full 90 minutes, the way you see yourself, the way you see men and the way you see dating
in relationships will shift permanently.
I know it's a bold claim but check it out for yourself.
Click the link below this video and we'll see you there.
Thanks.