You've heard that there are a lot of different parenting styles but what are
the 3 main parenting styles we need to be aware of? There's a lot of videos
and theories out there that talk about styles of parenting and what are the
parenting styles and the purpose of this video is not to categorize you as a
parent or to put a label on you, in fact, I believe that you probably move in and
out of different parenting styles. Most of the time. We all do. It's our human
nature. So instead, I'd like to focus on parenting styles that we can choose by
choice based on the moral development of our children because that's what puts us
into a position of power and influence as a parent. It allows us to take on a
positive parenting approach that helps our kids. Moral development, a quick word
about 3 stages of moral development that will help to illuminate those 3
styles of parenting. Stage 1 is the least mature stage. In stage 1, kids are
selfish, self-centered, egotistical, always focused on me, me, me. Stage 1 is demanding.
It's manipulative. In stage 1, kids are fighting, yelling, screaming, not
cooperating with you as a parent. Oh is this sounding familiar to some of
you? Yeah, probably it is because this is the stage where parents get the most
frustrated. Where parents have a hard time knowing exactly what to do because
their kids are out of control. Before we move on to stage 2, let's talk about
the parenting style that is required for this particular stage of development. I
label this one - "consequence". So the parenting style is really a
master of consequences. Where you get to think about and be ready to implement a
variety of consequences. At stage 1, there's no cooperation that you're
getting from your child. Remember it's all selfish and self-centered. So we
have to pick consequences that don't require cooperation and as a parenting
style, this is a little awkward and uncomfortable for most parents. They want
to be able to communicate with their kids and have their input on what kinds
of consequences are going to happen. Well that's all well and good at a later
stage of development. But it's stage 1. You don't get any cooperation. So you
have to pick the kind of consequences that do not require cooperation at all.
It's a totally different style of parenting that most of us want to apply
or that we're used to applying. I know this because when parents come to see me,
when we're doing some family coaching or parental coaching, they get frustrated
when their kids are on stage 1 because they're not sure how to handle
consequences when their kids won't cooperate with them. You can see that
that's a very different style of parenting. What happens when we move out
of stage 1? When our kids move from stage 1 to stage 2,
stage 2 is all about cooperation. they're cooperating with you at stage
2. At stage 2, you don't want any trouble. You want to keep the peace. So
you're willing to negotiate and to work something out. It's kind of like, "Hey, I'll
scratch your back, you scratch mine. Let's work together. Let's meet in the middle.
Let's collaborate on this thing." Negotiation and cooperation are
hallmarks of stage 2. Now, when our kids are in stage 2, we as parents get to
shift into a different parenting style. No longer are we concerned about only
consequences. We're still going to use some consequences
when our kids are on stage 2. But there's a big difference in the kind of
consequences that we can use because our kids now are cooperating. Well that opens
up all kinds of possibilities when it comes to consequences because now as a
parent, I can use the kind of consequence that requires cooperation which would
have just frustrated me if my kids were on stage 1. Quick example. A writing
assignment and especially when the kids got a little older, I like to use these.
Write an essay about what rule you broke, who was hurt by it and what is your
commitment moving forward? Now writing an essay is a good example of a consequence
that does require cooperation. But we also add communication. So I'm labeling
this parenting style as the communicator. We want to talk to our kids and get
their input. Which we can now do because they're at a stage of development that
allows them to do that. I keep referring to stages and I like to rehearse with
parents in my office. Stage not age. In fact, say that with me right now. Stage
not age. You got it? Rewind and say it as many times as you need to. It's not about
the age of our kids. It's about what stage they're on and can you see that an
8 year old might be totally cooperating with you, where a 13- ear old
is not? Well who's more mature in this case? The 8 year old is and that
could be totally switched. It could be that the 8 year old is having a
temper tantrum, that's stage 1. And the 13 year old is cooperating with
you. That's stage 2. So it's about what stage not age. And it's the stage of your
child that determines your parenting style. You don't get to choose to
cooperate with your child when your child refuses to cooperate with you. Are
we clear about that? So if they're on stage 1,
you're master of consequences. If they're on
stage 2, you are the communicator. There's one more stage. Stage 3 is
the most mature of these three stages. Stage 3 is characterized by
responsibility, by initiative which is a great word that means you see and do
what needs to be done. You don't need to be asked by anyone. One of my colleagues
wrote a book called "The Dog Poop Initiative". If you're not familiar with
that would you look it up? Kirk Weisler and The Dog Poop Initiative. It's
delightful story that you might want to share with your own family. Initiative,
seeing what needs to be done and doing it. Whether you're asked or not. At stage
3, we have empathy and compassion. At stage 3, service is important. At stage 3,
we engage in the right things for the right reasons. People at stage 1 will do
the right things but probably only because there's something in it for them
or they're going to clobber it if they don't. Stage 3, you've got morals and
values and ethics that drive your behavior. So when our kids move to stage
3, as parents we get to take on a whole different parenting style and I call
this one - "Consultant". This is when your kids come to you and ask for your wise
sagely advice and as you give them your advice, they receive it gratefully
as they say, "Thank you dear, sweet mother of mine. I will go implement all that you
have said." And then they go home to their own 5 kids. Yeah, maybe it can happen
before they're 35 and have their own tassel of kids and I think that it can.
In fact, I've seen kids as young as 7 or 8 years old who are really good
at stage 3. The point is, as your kids shift between stages of moral
development, stage 1, stage 2 and stage 3, you as a parent get to shift along with
them in your parenting style. Consequences on stage 1,
moving up to communication on stage 2 and consultation on stage 3. Those
are your 3 main parenting styles that will serve you well as you learn to
discern what stage your kids are on. We can't go into a lot of detail on a short
video and that's why we've put together some resources for you as a conscious
parent to feel more in control and to have the tools that you need. It's called
The Parenting Power-up. You can link to it right over here or down in the
description. parentingpowerup.com. Here's what
you're going to give. Vicki and I have teamed up to provide many modules of
tools and resources and tips and tricks and ideas that you get to use as a
parent so you always know how to respond and do it in a way that is calm and
peaceful. Hope you enjoy it.