Hey!
Conan O'Brien here.
I hope everyone watching this, right now, is being safe.
I hope you're washing your hands, and I hope like me,
you're hunkered down at home.
I thought maybe I could be of some help,
by offering a life hack.
Lot of people out there are worried,
right now, about toilet paper.
People are going to stores,
and they seem to want more toilet paper
than they could ever use in a 6-year period,
if they had continual diarrhea.
And now it's gone!
It's all gone and people are panicking.
I'm here to assure you,
that are many things around the house,
you can use instead of toilet paper,
that work just as well.
For example, CVS receipts.
CVS receipts are long.
This was for just six Tic Tacs I bought.
I never throw 'em away, 'cause I knew this day would come.
Also, we all have these around the house, Valpak.
Valpak coupons.
I know you never really use 'em.
Now, look at that,
you can clean yourself with (chuckles) colorful coupons.
You probably have some stocks around the house,
that aren't really worth as much as they used to be.
These are mostly stocks I bought for Carnival Cruise Line.
(laughing)
That laugh was too hard and too long.
I apologize.
You can use souvenir T-shirts.
T-shirts someone gave you, you don't value,
you hate 'em, you can't get rid of 'em.
I have thousands of these.
So I've been wiping my ass with these 24/7.
Another thing, souvenir baseball caps, like this one.
You're thinking, "Baseball cap, how does that work, Conan?"
You take your fist. (hat thuds)
You put it in the ball of the hat, right there.
You jam that up in the area, and you work it around.
Just work that around!
Works better than toilet paper.
Really clean it, clean it well!
One thing I would not recommend.
Marshmallow Peeps.
Trust me.
It's not pleasant,
and you end up kind of feeling bad for the little chick.
Finally.
We all have 'em,
pretentious coffee table books.
I've had this on my coffee table for nine years.
I don't know who De Kooning is!
What is that?
That's not art!
Wipe your ass with it.
(book slams)
That's my life hack.
I hope it's of use to you.
Stay well, take care,
we'll talk to you soon.