So, what causes failure to launch anyway? People are talking about it. In fact,
we've been talking about it now for multiple years. In this video,
I'm going to be talking about failure to launch. What causes it
and just so you know if you know what causes it you can also know how to fix it.
Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach parenting good communication
child development and family relationships all over the world
through the lens of the principle self-government and in this video,
I'm going to be talking about what happens when people don't launch? So, what is it that causes
them not to launch from your home and then we're going to be talking about what parents can do
to also make sure that their children successfully launch from home as well. The whole time we're
raising our children we are thinking of what type of adult we want them to become. In fact,
at no time do most adults think to themselves, "I hope my child will just never grow up",
I mean, sure, maybe the moments when they're cuddling on our
lap and they're teeny and it feels so nice. We think,
I don't want this to end but really we do want it to. We do want them to launch into adulthood.
When a person launches into adulthood. So, this is my little person launch rocket here. When a person
launches into adulthood they are finding purpose. They are finding their meaning in life. They know
who they are and where they are going. This is huge. Part of launching is understanding your
true eternal identity. So, I'm not talking about just things you like or things you do or what
you prefer at a particular time because being a gamer is not an identity that's a pastime, that's
totally different. So, what it means? You know in my case to truly be a woman and doing something.
What it means to be a person in God's eyes because I'm actually a religious person
but maybe you're not. So, you might say, what does it mean to be a good citizen in the community?
How do I make the world a better place? These are all kinds of things that you might
evaluate in order to become really ready to launch. So, when a person launches
they know who they are and they know where they're headed. So, one key thing that helps
a person understand who they are and where they're headed is their bond or attachment
with their parents. It is the attachment with parents and the relationships with the people
in previous generations like their parents and grandparents that give them that picture
of where they need to be headed in the future and that's why they're ready to take off even
though it's scary. It's always going to be scary and change is always going to feel a
little uncomfortable and hard but we don't need to be afraid of uncomfortable. People
have been growing up well, forever, right? So, what is it that gets in the way? So,
here's my failure to launch side. On the failure to launch side we see this guy down here and he's
just sleeping it out, right. He's just in his bed and you know you have to forgive my bad artistry.
But what we're going to do is we're going to stack up what's keeping him here in this bed
and one key thing that is keeping him in bed is actually he doesn't have a purpose,
right. He doesn't understand purpose,
okay. So, how does a person
understand purpose? Well, they have to know somebody who has purpose as well.
So, hopefully, that's you hopefully, that's their parent or grandparent the person who's raising
them has to understand purpose. This person knows purpose. They know they've got to have a purpose
in life. They've got to figure that out and launch themselves toward that even if they're not a 100%
comfortable yet. This person doesn't understand purpose. They're just living in
each moment of every day. They're just focusing on the detail in front of them like their hungry
stomach or something like that. But there are more things that they should be thinking about but they
won't know to think about them if they are not part of conversation with other people about life
purpose. If they don't meet inspiring people and live with people who seem to do something besides
just watch tv and eat food. Because that is not going to show them where they are headed.
I've got a lot of things to list out here for what is really keeping a person from launching.
But before we get to that, click on the subscribe button now. This channel
is dedicated to giving you and your family the things that you need to have a united family,
to have happiness in your relationships, and to learn to solve your problems more
calmly. You're not going to want to miss the videos that come out on here all the time. So,
click on the subscribe button now. Probably the most
obvious thing that people see that keeps somebody from launching is actually selfishness.
We can write selfishness multiple different ways. Selfishness can also be written
as entitlement laziness. It's really easy to become lazy in our current society. So many
things have been automated and digitized and it's like shop from home you don't even need to leave
your couch, right. You just order something, you ask google something. You know it's just so
easy to be lazy and to be entitled to just expect things to come to you at any given time. In fact,
I think one of the ways that our society is really being oppressed is by having things be too easy
and promoting too much entitlement and laziness. So, when things happen too easily meaning somebody
else is doing stuff for us we don't have to do enough of our own work or take our own
responsibility then that leads to selfishness. So, selfishness is big it has a lot of things.
Don't take responsibility. Expect others to do things for me all the time. Don't want to lift
a finger. Want to just you know take the path of least resistance. These are all going to be things
that lead to selfishness. Another thing that leads to selfishness is poor communication skills.
When a person does not know the skills that they need for communication they leave a lot of things
assumed in their communications with people. This is bad for their relationships and their
bonds and it also makes it so that they are less effective in everything that they do. If you
do not have good communication skills you are not
usually ready to launch out into the world. Now, of
course, you could start launching with mediocre communication skills and approve them along the
way. In fact, I would hope that everybody does. But if you do not know how to say just
be calm and be patient with another person or disagree in an appropriate way with somebody you
are going to struggle with everything because you're going to take everything personally.
People who have poor communication skills are often overly emotional. In fact, they try to
solve their problems with emotions which leads to poor problem-solving ability. When a person
doesn't communicate a lot so they're just isolated all on their own. Which can happen
if you're in front of a device or a game console every single day. If a person is in that zone
then when they need something they're emotional. They don't know how to solve their problem
which means that somebody else is going to be solving their problems for them a lot.
Mom and dad jump in and just rescue instead of giving the person the opportunity to solve
their own problems. In order to solve your own problems you have to be able to
stop and think. So, you need to know how to think. So, we're going to say, don't
like thinking, okay. This can happen. They don't like being the person who has to come up with
the solution and when you don't like thinking that's going to cripple you in another way. You
probably won't step out of your comfort zone a lot either. So, many people who have failure to launch
don't step out of a comfort zone. So, we're going to say don't step out. Many people are aware of
comfort zones nowadays. In fact, we're giving a lot of messaging to people about comfort zones
saying that they should be comfortable all the time. It is a total myth to teach a person that
they should be able to be comfortable all the time. No person is comfortable all the time.
You cannot achieve anything in life whether it's success in the workplace, in education,
even just having a child or having a baby and maintain comfort the entire time. Everything we do
that are our greatest moments in life are moments that come from step with stepping out of our
comfort zones. So, we have to teach our children bit by bit starting when they're young that it is
okay to step out of their comfort zone. Even if our child is shy or introverted we still
need to keep pushing them to step out of the comfort zone.
Even if they cry. Even if they worry about it a little bit. Sometimes a person will stress
a little as they're stepping out of the comfort zone but then they realize everything was okay
then they want to try it again just to make sure everything was okay and soon they have a whole
new level of abilities. That's what it means to step out of a comfort zone. You have to overcome
fear again and again. I remember when I was a little child and my mother took me to swimming
lessons. I was sad. I was scared. I screamed and cried day after day at the lessons and my
teacher would take me back to my mother because she couldn't handle me anymore.
My mother would put me in the pool with her and she would say, "We are going to be in the pool
this whole time so that you can learn that you can be in this water", and she kept me in there
with her and, I felt like it was okay because I was with her. By the end of the swimming lessons
finally, the last lesson or two I decided to go to my teacher and learn a couple of things like how
to blow bubbles in the water. But mom was the one who told me I could do it and she made me stick to
it even though I was panicking and crying. She did not decide that that meant she was a failure as a
mother. She decided that that was when the mother was needed the most. So, we need to make sure that
we help our children step out of their comfort zones otherwise they won't want to step out of
the biggest comfort zone at all of all and that is our home. They need to do that in order to launch.
Another thing that keeps people from launching is not planning. So, poor planning.
Some people just don't want to plan because they don't want the responsibility. It is
up to the parent to make sure that they have conversations with the child
about making a plan and don't just say what do you want to do because they could then not ever
answer. So, what you need to do is you need to have special meetings, I call these parent
counseling sessions. In fact, I talk about this in my teaching self-government parenting course,
how to have a really good open communication, parent counseling session with your child?
You need to have the type of conversation that says, "So, when we're moving on from the home
where are we going to be moving to next?", we just assume we're moving and then we
plan for where that next place is, is it college or is it an apartment on your own?
Where is it that you are going to be going next? Are you going to be
doing some sort of a service thing where you serve abroad.
Maybe do missions for your church which is something a lot of people do.
What is it that you are going to do with your life next and it's not,
are you going to. It's when we move from here then where. Also, what
type of relationships do you want in your future life so that you can have happiness.
Don't just say are you going to get married? Do you think you might?
Those are too open-ended. What you need to do is assume the person will have relationships and
want them because that is a basic need of life. In fact, one thing that keeps a person in this
condition a lot is not having good relationships at home. Not bonding at home and having too much
alone time, too much alone time. I mean, I should probably write that one really big over the whole
thing. When a person has too much alone time that actually damages their relationships because it
makes them a little island and they get out of the habit of communicating with others. This will give
them the impression that in the future they don't want or need relationships. They need to be having
constant talking happen all the time and they need to have time with other people. so we need to
make sure that we're regularly facilitating that. Basically, a person who is going to really launch
needs to have real-life activities. They need to be doing adult things long before they are adult.
They need to be doing their laundry, doing chores, planting a garden, painting a house,
working in an adult work atmosphere. They need regular experiences that's going to be huge.
this person over here who's just chilling in bed and not going to launch. This person is
not having regular adult experiences. Now, there is something might be the elephant in the room it
definitely needs to be talked about. When we're talking about people who have a failure to launch
we're talking about somebody who either is controlling and lazy or has stress and anxiety and
I would think more people fall into the category of stress and anxiety. They're just worried about
taking this big leap off the ground and doing something with their lives even though it's going
to happen gradually incrementally bit by bit. They don't know that. It just seems different
and they're worried about that. Many of our young people who have failure to launch
have perfectionism and because of their perfectionism they do not feel that they
are ready enough to do this. They don't know when they will feel that way because they want to
feel perfect. Social media and our culture in general has really promoted that people need to
be perfect to be valuable and since they aren't the youtube star yet they're not sure they can do
anything valuable yet. What does launch mean? Launch means live with purpose. You could get
married and raise a wonderful child and that's it and that is a massive purposeful life. So, people
don't need to be a star to have purpose. People need to live a good normal life to have purpose
and we need to teach our children that. It's super important that they recognize being normal is
enough. Being normal is actually the goal. Let's not think that we have to be the next YouTube star
in order to really do something valuable in the world. Perfectionism stress and anxiety, I could
talk so much about stress and anxiety but I do have other videos that address stress and anxiety
and things related to those things so I'm not going to go into those now. But I am going to say
that I have more for you on this failure to launch problem and I'd like to share that with you now.
I have another video on failure to launch and it's called failure to launch five successful tips for
preparing children for adulthood and so click on the link to that video now and you will learn
five maybe even six. I think I've got a bonus for you in there tips that you
can do to make sure you prepare your child to successfully launch and at the end of that video,
I've got a special gift for you as well that will really help strengthen your relationships.
So, go to that video now failure to launch five successful tips for preparing children for
adulthood and you will find even more that I think you can start applying right now in your home.