>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AS IT SAYS ON THE BONE HERE.
WELL, WE ARE LIVE, RIGHT THERE, AFTER THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL
DEBATE.
TONIGHT WAS THE OPENING ROUND OF DONALD TRUMP VERSUS JOE BIDEN,
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOMERS, THE SHOWMAN JURIES THE JOE-MAN.
GET READY FOR DEMOCRACY TO CRUMBLE!
I COME TO YOU TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AN EMPTY VESSEL,
A MAN WITH A MIND WIPED CLEAN.
I HAVE STOOD IN THE SWIRLING CHAOS OF CREATION.
I HAVE SEEN SHIVA WIELDING HIS CARVINGS AGREEMENT GOUT OFT
UNIVERSE.
THE SKY ONCE RED, BLUE, AND BLACK UNTIL ALL THAT REMAINED
WAS A STARLESS VOID AND THE HOLLOWED HUSK ONCE KNOWN AS
CHRIS WALLACE.
WE ARE EMERGED FROM THE MAT WHIRLWIND WHERE WE FORBADE ON
THE GOVERNANCE OF GOD HIMSELF, AND HE SAID UNTO US, "JESUS,
STOP INTERRUPTING HIM, YOU GIANT BABY!"
YES, TONIGHT SAW THE BEST MINDS OF OUR GENERATION DESTROYED BY
MADNESS STARVING HYSTERICAL, NAKED, DRAGGING THEMSELVES
THROUGH THE STREETS AT DAWN, LOOKING FOR THE MUTE BUTTON.
FORGET FACT CHECKING THIS DEBATE.
WE COULDN'T EVEN DO ANY SENTENCE FINDING!
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO
THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, CHILDREN WATCHED THAT!
I'M GLAD I'VE ALREADY HAD MY CHILDREN, BECAUSE I THINK JUST
WATCHING THAT STERILIZED ME.
BUT WHO KNOWS?
WHO WHO KNOWS?
I CAN GET EMOTIONAL.
MAYBE I'M A LITTLE OVERHEATED.
LET'S SEE WHAT THE NEWS PROFESSIONALS HAD TO SAY ABOUT
IT.
DANA BASH.
>> THAT WAS A ( BLEEP ) SHOW.
>> OKAY, OKAY.
THAT IS, FIRST OF ALL, AN INSULT TO BOTH SHOWS AND THE OTHER WORD
THAT I CAN'T SAY BECAUSE THIS IS CBS.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY ACCURATE, BECAUSE AT LEAST AFTER A
90-MINUTE POOP, YOU GENERALLY FEEL BETTER.
( LAUGHTER )
OH!
LET'S GET TO THE COVERAGE.
GOING INTO TONIGHT'S DEBATE, ANTICIPATION WAS A-BUB LIN'.
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" PREDICTED A CLASH OF STYLE AND IDEAS.
NO, BAD, "NEW YORK TIMES," BAD!
STOP PRETENDING THAT ANY OF THIS IS NORMAL.
THEY'RE NOT EQUIVALENT CANDIDATES.
YOU DON'T SEE A GUY TRYING TO TAKE A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL AWAY
FROM A BABY AND SAY, "THAT'S A REAL CLASH OF STYLE AND IDEAS."
BEFORE THE DEBATE STARTED, CHRIS WALLACE GAVE US A PREVIEW OF HIS
MODERATION STRATEGY, SAYING, "MY JOB IS TO BE AS INVISIBLE AS
POSSIBLE."
CHRIS, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU TRYING TO BE INVISIBLE WOULDN'T
HELP.
HAVEN'T YOU SEEN "THE LORD OF THE RINGS."
>>> I THINK MY STRONGEST MAY BE BY FAR IS MY TEMPERAMENT.
>> Stephen: NOW, BEFORE THINGS EVEN GOT STARTED, THE DIFFERENCE
IN THE CANDIDATES WAS CLEAR BECAUSE EVERYONE IN BIDEN'S SIDE
OF THE HALL WAS WEARING A MASK.
MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON TRUMP'S SIDE, INCLUDING HIS FOUR
CHILDREN, WERE NOT WEARING MASKS.
AND ACCORDING TO THE CLEVELAND CLINIC, IT IS A REQUIREMENT THAT
ALL GUESTS WEAR MASKS.
AND THAT'S NOT A MEDICAL REQUIREMENT.
THE CLEVELAND CLINIC JUST DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ERIC'S
MOUTH.
PLUS, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN OVER VOTERS BY KILLING THEM.
MOST POLLS SHOW THAT VOTERS DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO THEIR OWN
DEATHS.
CHRIS WALLACE OPENED BY LAYING OUT THE RULES FOR THE SPARSE
AUDIENCE.
>> THE AUDIENCE HERE IN THE HALL HAS PROMISED TO REMAIN SILENT.
>> Stephen: AND NOT JUST THE REPUBLICANS WHO HAVE BEEN
COWARDS FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS.
EVEN THOUGH THE CANDIDATES DID NOT SHAKE HAND, THEY DID CHANGE
PLEASANTRIES.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: TO WHICH TRUMP REPLIED, "I'M OKAY, HOW A ARE YU
DOING MAN, PERSON, WOMAN, CAMERA, TV."
IT SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING THAT TRUMP'S DEBATE
STRATEGY WAS JUST TO TALK OVER EVERYONE.
>> LET ME ASK MY QUESTION.
>> I'LL ASK JOE.
THE INDIVIDUAL MANDATE WAS THE MOST UNPOPULAR--
>> MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT, I'D LIKE-- I'M THE MODERATOR OF
THIS DEBATE AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CAN LET ME ASK MY QUESTION.
>> Stephen: AND HE JUST KEPT DOING IT ALL NIGHT.
IT REMINDED WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN DEBATED A LEAF BLOWER.
JOE BIDEN DID GET IN SOME ZINGERS.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU LET HIM FINISH, SIR?
>> HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: TO WHICH MELANIA RESPONDED, "NO YOU WOULDN'T."
EVENTUALLY, BIDEN HAD JUST HAD IT.
>> WELL YOU SHUT UP, MAN.
.>> Stephen: NO, NO, HE WON'T.
IMAGINE IF THAT WORKED!
IT'S NOT GREAT WHEN YOU HAVE TO SAY THE SAME THING TO THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THAT YOU WOULD SHOUT AT A FRIEND
WHO WON'T STOP RANTING ABOUT HOW VAN HALEN WAS ACTUALLY A BETTER
BAND WITH SAMMY HAGAR.
BIDEN TRIED TO HIGHLIGHT JUST HOW BAD TRUMP HAS BEEN ON THE
CORONAVIRUS.
>> AND, BY THE WAY, MAYBE YOU COULD INJECT SOME BLEACH IN YOUR
ARM AND THAT WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.
>> THAT WAS SAID SARCASTICALLY AND YOU KNOW THAT.
>> Stephen: IT WAS SARCASM, JUST LIKE MY OATH TO HOLD UP THE
CONSTITUTION AND MY MARRIAGE VOWS.
I GUESS I'M JUST TOO HIP FOR THE ROOM.
THEN, THEN THINGS GOT A LITTLE PERSONAL.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED, AND A LOT MORE ARE GOING TO DIE UNLESS
HE GETS A LOT SMARTER A LOT QUICKER.
>> MR. PRESIDENT.
>> DID YOU USE THE WORD "SMART?" DON'T EVER USE THE WORD SMART
WITH ME.
DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD.
>> Stephen: I CAN IMAGINE TRUMP IS NOT USED TO HEARING
THAT WORD AROUND HIM VERY MUCH.
WALLACE TRIED TO PAINT THE DIFFERENCE IN THE TWO
CANDIDATES' CAMPAIGNING STYLES QUIRK.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP, YOU'RE HOLDING THE LARGE RALLIES WITH
CROWDS PACKED TOGETHER, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.
>> OUTSIDE.
>> OUTSIDE, YES, SIR, AGREED.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN YOU ARE HOLDING MUCH SMALLER EVENTS.
WHY YOU HOLDING THE BIG RALLIES, WHY YOU NOT?
>> Sephen: WE ALREADY KNOW THE BIG RALLIES ARE BAD, CHRIS.
THIS IS LIKE ASKING, "MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE TYING
LADIES TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS AS THE CHOO-CHOO TRAINS ARE
COMING."
MR. BIDEN, WHY DID YOU GO WITH THE STRATEGY NOT KILLING YOUR
SUPPORTERS?
HE TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT THE RALLIES ARE A HEALTH RISK.
>> HE'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
>> NO NEGATIVE EFFECT.
WE'VE HAD 35, 40,000 PEOPLE AT THESE RALLY S.
>> Stephen: NO NEGATIVE EFFECT FROM YOUR RALLY POSITIVE
UPON THAT'S AN INTERESTING POINT.
HERMAN CANE, YOUR THOUGHTS?
HERMAN CANE.
EVIDENTLY WE'RE HAVING CONNECTION ISSUES WITH THE GREAT
BEYOND.
NOW, TRUMP LAMENTED THE DAMAGING EFFECTS OF THE LOCKDOIN.
>> YOU LOOK AT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH DIVORCE.
>> Stephen: "I MEAN EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THERE ARE WIVES SAYING
TO THEIR HUSBANDS,' DONALD THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF OFFICE I'M
LEAVING YOU AND YOUR UNSPEAKABLE BURGER FARTS.
WAR CRIME, SHE USED THE WORD WAR CRIME.
SHE'S GOING TO DRAG MY ASS."
( LAUGHTER )
YOU HAVE TO FIND YOUR HAPPINESS WHERE YOU CAN.
TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HOW HE'S RESCUED THE WIDE WORLD OF
SPORTS.
>> I'M THE ONE THAT BROUGHT BACK FOOTBALL.
>> Stephen: TO WHICH THE CLEVELAND BROWNS FANS SAID,
"YEAH, WE'RE GOOD."
TRUMP THEN TRIED TO DEFEND PAYING SO LITTLE IN TAXES.
>> BEFORE I CAME HERE, I WAS A PRIVATE DEVELOPER.
I WAS A PRIVATE BUSINESSPEOPLE.
>> I WAS A PRIVATE BUSINESSPEOPLE.
IT WAS ME AND A BUNCH OF MES THAT I MADE UP FOR TAX
WRITE-OFFS.
THE PEOPLE.
THEN JOE, HE JUST GOT FED UP.
>> YOU ARE THE WORST PRESIDENT AMERICA HAS EVER HAD.
>> Stephen: COME ON NOW, MR. VICE PRESIDENT.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
HE'S ALSO THE WORST PRESIDENT AMERICA WILL EVER HAVE.
TRUMP TRIED TO HIT JOE WHERE IT HURT-- HIS RECORD.
>> I'VE DONE MORE IN-- IN 47 MONTHS, I'VE DONE MORE THAN YOU
HAVE DONE IN 47 YEARS, JOE.
>> Stephen: I, YOU KNOW,...
THAT'S POSSIBLE.
>> I'VE DON BUT VOLUME ISN'T EVERYTHING.
THE NUCLEAR BOMB DID MORE IN HIROSHIMA IN ONE DAY THAN ANY
POLITICIAN DID IN HISTORY, BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME IT MIGHT HAVE
COST TRUMAN THE JAPANESE VOTE.
THERE WAS AN INTERESTING MOMENT OF CIVILITY FROM BIDEN.
>> IT'S HARD TO GET ANYWHERE WORD IN WITH THIS CLOWN-- EXCUSE
ME.
>> Stephen: IT'S A GOOD THING JOE CORRECTED HIMSELF.
HE WOULDN'T WANT TO LOSE THE CLOWN VOTE.
IT'S ALSO NOT ACCURATE.
IF TRUMP WAS A CLOWN, HE WOULD HAVE A MUCH MORE PROFESSIONAL
FACE PAINT.
THEN CHRIS WALLACE ANNOUNCED HE WAS GOING TO ASK A QUESTION
ABOUT RACE.
>> WE'RE GOING TO GO TO THE NEXT SEGMENT.
I'M GOING TO ASK A QUESTION ABOUT RACE, BUT IF YOU WANT TO
ANSWER ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, GO AHEAD.
>> Stephen: CHRIS WALLACE, RESTATING AMERICA'S OFFICIAL
POSITION ON RACISM.
THEN WE ARRIVED AT ONE OF THE MOST TELLING, ONE OF THE MOST
UPSETTING MOMENTS NOT ONLY OF THE NIGHT BUT OF MY LIFETIME,
WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS ASKED SIMPLY TO
CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACY.
>> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND
MILITIA GROUPS.
>> I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.
I WANT TO SEE PEACE.
>> THEN DO IT, SIR.
>> DO IT, SAY THEM.
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL THEM?
GIVE ME A NAME.
>> WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND MILITIA.
>> STAND BACK AND STAND BY.
>> Stephen: DIDN'T DO IT.
"I DON'T SUPPORT WHITE SUPREMACISTS.
I JUST COMMAND THEM.
LIKE A DOG.
THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THIS SHINY DOG WHISTLE.
PROUD BOYS!
STAND BACK.
SIT.
WHO'S A PROUD BOY?
YOU'RE A PROUD BOY."
ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS, BIDEN SAID TRUMP WASN'T AN ATTACK DOG.
HE WAS A LAP DOG.
>> HE'S PUTIN'S PUPPY.
HE STILL REFUSES TO SAY ANYTHING TO PUTIN ABOUT THE BOUNTY ON THE
HEADS OF AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
>> Stephen: "THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I'M NOT HIS PUPPY.
I'M HIS B.F.F..
TRUMP EXPLAINED THE MASSIVE FOREST FIRES IN CALIFORNIA
AREN'T CLIMATE CHANGE'S FAULT.
>> THE FOREST FLOORS ARE LOADED UP WITH TREES, DEAD TREES THAT
ARE YEARS OLD, AND THEY'RE LIKE TIRND.
>> Stephen: "THEY'RE LIKE TIRND.
YOU SWIPE RIGHT, YOU SWIPE LEFT, EITHER WAY, TOTAL SMOKE SHOW,
AND THEY ARE D.T.F.-- DOWN TO FOREST FIRE."
AFTER ONE PARTICULARLY LONG TRUMP SPITTLE-FILLED BLATHER,
CHRIS WALLACE TRIED TO GET THINGS BACK ON TRACK.
>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, ANSWERED HIS FINAL QUESTION.
>> THE FINAL QUESTION IS-- I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH OF ALL HIS
RANTINGS.
>> I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE MYSELF.
>> Stephen: IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE WE ARE FACING THE MOST
IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIMES AND WE'RE LETTING THE
IDIOT WHO SHOUTS THE LOUDEST DECIDE WHAT WE TALK ABOUT.
NOW, TRUMP ENDED UP GINNING UP FEARS ABOUT THE NEXT ELECTION.
>> THIS IS GOING TO BE A FRAUD LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.
>> Stephen: OH, I DON'T KNOW, I'M LOOKING AT A PRETTY BIG ONE
RIGHT NOW.
WHEN CHRIS WALLACE ASKED TRUMP IF HE WOULD CALL ON HIS VOTERS
TO STAY CALM, INSTEAD TRUMP MADE A FRIGHTENING CALL TO HIS
FOLLOWERS.
>> I'M URGING MY SUPPORTERS TO GO INTO THE POLLS AND WATCH VERY
CAREFULLY.
>> Stephen: "MAYBE GO HANG OUT THERE WEARING YOUR FAVORITE
BROWN SHIRT AND JUST, YOU KNOW, S.S. THE SITUATION."
AFTER AN HOUR AND A HALF OF SOUL-PULVERIZING MENACE, I FEEL
LIKE I DID COMING OUT OF "STAR WARS" EPISODE ONE "THE PHANTOM
MENACE": HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY DO THIS TWO MORE TIMES?
ULTIMATELY, I THINK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, THEY WERE HURT TONIGHT.
AND IT-- AND IF YOU LOOK ONLINE, THEY'RE ANGRY.
BECAUSE THIS IS A SERIOUS MOMENT.
WHERE HUMAN LIVES AND THE FUTURE OF THIS IRREPLACEABLE COUNTRY IS
ON THE LINE.
AND I KNOW THAT CHRIS WALLACE SAYS HE'S NOT A FACT CHECKER.
BUT AFTER ONE AND A HALF HOURS OF CHAOS AND LIES, I CAN SAY
THERE'S ONE STATEMENT TONIGHT THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
>> THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL.
THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LATER ON WE'LL HAVE A PERFORMANCE BY PUBLIC ENEMY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL GET A DEBATE REACTION FROM SENATOR
CORY BOOKER.
STICK AROUND.