[Music]
the theme for today is revising your
past and my past was horrible and I'm
just gonna dive right in and I'm not
going to be very eloquent and I'm gonna
jump around a lot probably drive you
nuts they wanted us to prepare this
amazing speech and stick to it and I
wrote something and it was really really
good at 7:00 in the morning when I wrote
it and then when I read it that
afternoon I hated it so um I was born in
a little town called Toledo Ohio and
both my parents were immigrants to this
country my father was born in Palestine
a Muslim my mother was born in Poland a
Jew and both of them had some pretty
pretty awful childhoods my mother was a
small child when the Nazis invaded and
her mother dumped her off on someone's
doorstep it was two sisters and they
took her in and they they were Catholic
and that's how my mother ultimate
ultimate Lea became Catholic but they
were then marched off through his Becca
Stan and Kazakhstan and wound up up in
Siberia in a work camp and lived under
horrible conditions my my mother barely
survived she contracted TB she was put
into a sanitarium after the war and was
always a weak frail woman my father was
sort of the opposite my father was born
in Palestine before it was Israel and
then it was Israel became Israel then he
became a refugee and then moved to
Jordan through a strange series of
circumstances they both wound up in
Toledo Ohio met at University and got
together and they had me they were not
equipped to be parents the things that
happened to me as a child should never
happen to any child there was a lot of
violence there was incest there was
neglect and it was a really really
really bad childhood my father was very
very violent
and my mother was very codependent and
she would make excuses for him when it
came to the sexual abuse when I
recognized that it was wrong and I went
to my mother and I pulled on her arm and
I said mom please make him stop she said
he's just tickling you and he shooed me
away she shooed me away still sort of
haunts me to this day to think about
that so it was bad they they did not
know how to be parents and he left when
I was about seven years old and the
neglect continued and unfortunately the
sexual abuse continued as well until I
was 11 years old there was somebody that
I really really looked up to he was
super cool it's all fit about 37 38 39
years old his name was Brian he was he
was my swim coach and I loved him I
looked up to him he had a really
beautiful girlfriend he had two cool
kids and he had convinced my mother that
it was a good idea to take me camping
and needless to say after that camping
trip I never laughed at his jokes again
I never felt safe again and that was the
beginning of my spiral downward drugs
and alcohol were absolutely necessary
for me the panic and anxiety attacks
that started when I was about 13 years
old were unrelenting so self-medicating
myself all throughout my teens and
twenties was paramount I would have died
without drugs and alcohol suicidal
ideation was a constant and I just
continued to circle the drain and circle
the drain I'm gonna skip the middle part
I wrote a book about it in great detail
and the books done really really well
and that's pretty crazy in itself
because I still can't spell or type but
I got a best-selling book and and that
and that really you know that's really
sort of my message that I want to bring
to you tonight to all of you and that is
that you can do anything regardless of
what you've gone through regardless of
what you've been through regardless of
what limiting belief self limiting
belief
that you have you can do or you can be
or you can accomplish anything and I am
living proof of that
let's show me at a lovely hundred nine
pounds at 33 years old a high school
dropout convicted felon really with a
track record that could have landed me
in the Hall of Fame of all time losers
and no no hope whatsoever
that's a 33 year old man without even
enough sense to recognize how horrible
that hair was just I was thinking about
that sorry that was my life and there
was you know where was I gonna go
who was gonna hire me what was I gonna
do and I stand before you today a 50
year old man and I'm no longer 109
pounds
I am 154 pounds which is quite a bit
heavier and I'm in the greatest shape of
my life and I'm the happiest I've ever
been and I've become to most people's
standards or opinion pretty successful
I'm gonna show you some silly
pretentious pictures of what no I'm not
I hit the wrong one I'm going to show
you some silly pretentious pictures of
sort of what has happened over the last
16 years what my life has become I was
so scared of putting away the drink in
the drug because my life was big was
going to become boring and and I was
gonna not have any fun these are some of
the adventures that I've had and but as
cool as I thought some of those pictures
were this is the coolest picture I could
possibly show you so that mom that I
hated all my life that mom that I
resented the mom that didn't protect me
I got a phone call when I was about
eight months clean and sober and she
told me that she had cancer and I had no
money I couldn't go visit her and I
couldn't help her I couldn't do anything
for her and I went home that night and I
cried and I sobbed
and I broke down and a shattered and I
laid in a puddle on the floor and in
that sadness in that lowest point of my
life came the realization this woman did
the best that she could they both did
the best that they could but this woman
in particular my mother she did the best
that she could she carried me within her
womb she gave me life she nurtured me
from her own body while I was inside of
her growing I ate the minerals from her
bones from her hair she gave me life she
brought me from her womb I was born
prematurely because as she put it
my father got a little excited that day
but she brought me forth into this world
she helped me to her bosom she fed me
she nurtured me I soiled myself ten
times a day on her and she cleaned me
and she held me and she loved me and she
did the best that she could about 30
days after hearing about her cancer and
coming to the realization that I was
responsible for everything going on in
my life good and bad I was able to start
sending her a little bit of money coming
to that realization that everything
going on in my life good and bad was on
me and not on her and not on my father
and not because someone touched my
naughty spot when I was a child not
because of the neglect and the violence
that I witnessed I got high because it
felt great
that's what no one ever wants to talk
about I got high because it felt great I
got high because I'm selfish I got high
because my feelings and the way I feel
is way more important than anyone else I
woke up to that realization and in an
instant in that lowest point in my life
I snapped out of my victim mentality I
had a paradigm shift or a psychic change
or a spiritual awakening
about 90 days after that phone call I
was able to go back and visit her
fast forward 18 months later I had been
working for jobs cleaning houses washing
dogs washing cars and working at two
different rehabs at the same time I was
able to go back to that little town in
Toledo Ohio and fulfill my mother's
dream and my mother's dream was to go
back to Poland where she hadn't been in
thirty nine years and I sent my mom
first-class back to Poland and I also
reached out to my dad and I did some
nice stuff for my dad too but it just
didn't work out my dad doesn't like me
my dad never has liked me I'm sure
somewhere deep down inside he loves me
in some way I hope he does and I love my
dad dearly but we have no relationship
and from my own personal mental health I
have to keep a boundary up of no
communication whatsoever I just refused
to expose myself to that pain into that
anguish into that shame you don't have
to get along with your parents but they
did give us life and they did bring us
into this world so I do feel like you
have to love them so start taking care
of my mom started working all these
different jobs and something happened
something woke up inside of me
right I began to feel good about myself
and when I began to feel good about
myself better people started coming
around me and what better people started
coming around me I raised my standards
and when I raise my standards I started
behaving differently I got better jobs I
got paid more doors began to open for me
I began to fill with something called
self-worth which was sort of the
opposite of what I had always felt my
entire life jobs got better eventually I
started my own business in 2007 that
business took off because people in the
community believed in me they saw me
work they saw me literally learn how to
chop wood and carry water 33 years old
and and and try to the best of my
ability to be the man that God intended
me to be so still really rough around
the edges and not very eloquent but a
hard worker and I got that from my mom
and my dad and I love them both for that
Palestinians are some of the strongest
people on the planet Polish people are
some of the strongest people on the
planet I'm proud to be both so my life
got better and better my
beat the cancer and I went back there
almost fell I went back there and and I
put a down payment on that house and I
set up an annuity for her because I was
so scared that I might relapse and go
back to the drug and drink drinking the
drug a little bit of dyslexia I got in
that house I got her to quit her job at
67 years old set up that annuity and I
just started to spoil her and spoil her
and spoil her and take care of her and I
found in taking care of her that love
that I had always desired right I got to
be that parent I got to go inside and
hug that little boy that was so hurting
and so desperate and so needing love I
got to go back in and do a ton of work
on myself
not just 12-step stuff but you know
Byron Katie and and and there's a bunch
of books out there I wish I could think
of them in the in this moment but I did
a lot of work on myself a lot of yoga a
lot of meditation and I went off to
India for a month and I went off to
Indonesia for a month and I chanted and
I did yoga and I you know put the beads
around my neck and I put the things on
my head and I tried all the different
religions ultimately for me what I found
I I could have found I could have found
if I paid attention to school in school
when I was a kid and that was to love my
neighbor as I love myself and love God
above all else and I probably got that
backwards too but for me that's that's
the truth that's the ultimate truth
right there just to to love God above
all else and to love my neighbors I love
myself and first business took off
opened up another business that took off
as I said I wrote the book that took off
I opened up a yoga studio it just it
feels like at 50 years old and by the
way I feel very young at 50 years old
it's pretty weird at 33 years old 35
years old thirty seven years old I felt
like I was so old and life had passed me
by at 50 years old
I feel really young and I feel really
good now I put a lot of effort into that
you know I eat right and I exercise and
I do my yoga and all that stuff I get
proper sleep unless it was last night
and I'm able to not just take care of my
mom but I'm able to take care of my
girlfriend I'm able to help out friends
that are in need I got to be on a couple
of boards of different charities and I
get to do some good stuff for the world
as well it's not all about me and my
silly little pretentious pictures but I
do want to say that fear that my life
was gonna suck that my life wasn't gonna
be fun if I sobered up that fear was
unfounded and I get to do some really
really fun really really neat stuff
had I not sobered up never would have
happened it just there's just no no way
it would have happened and so I get to
try all new things and that I learned at
47 years old that I learned at 45 years
old that was last trip that we took and
I learned how to surf at 49 years old
there's just there's just nothing you
can't do and I think if there's anything
that my sad little Cinderella story can
bring any of you is is that is that
what's the word not transmutation
transmission trends transformation
transformation no what's the theme of
the day revision great vision sorry see
you don't have to be smart to be
successful you don't have to be smart to
be rich I promise that's terrible but
it's true it's true you can do and be
anything as I started as I started
saying when I when I first you know
started this talk you can do and you can
be anything and you can change anything
now if I would have held on to that sad
little story if I would have held on to
my pain and my victimhood mentality if I
would have held on to that poverty
mentality
none of this stuff would be possible I
don't even think there's any anything
else no there's not that's good that's
enough of that
nonsense if you are ever bored and you
want to suffer through more of my
pretentious shallow pictures you can go
on my Instagram and look but but what
what I wanted to to bring to you is if
you're suffering if you're in pain if
you're doubting yourself
no matter
no matter what you're going through I
want you to know that I can't keep this
microphone in my ear no I wanted you to
know that you can change and I'm not
talking about kind of sort of I'm
talking about massive monumental change
it's possible for you and how do I know
it's possible for you because if a [ __ ]
like me that had every card stacked
against him can succeed
anybody can and that's it thank you
[Applause]