Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me again for another video
you know what dawned on me this past week that we have done a lot of videos on this channel a lot of
Educational stuff talking about emotional views talking about narcissistic abuse talking about codependency
Learning how to love ourselves for maybe the first time really focusing on healthy dating
But it dawned on me that I never really did a video on what a healthy relationship
Even looks like and I know that a lot of people have asked me
Well if this is what an unhealthy relationship looks like then what isn't healthy one look like because I've never been in one before
So for this video, I want to give you seven things to kind of think about that way
You can know if you are in a healthy relationship. So this video is gonna talk all about what really defines a healthy
Lasting and happy relationship. And if you haven't already don't forget to hit that subscribe button down below
This channel is growing so fast. It hasn't even been a year since I have actually it might be a year
Actually, I think this month it is a year
but anyways, even in a year the amount of growth and
Amazing feedback that I've gotten from all of you guys. It's just it's it warms my heart
I love what I do and I hope it shows through in these videos
But anyways, I'm gonna just keep talking and talking and talking. Well, let's get right into this week's video
So the first thing that will determine a healthy relationship is and I talk about this a lot
I talked about this a lot in many many videos that I've done is you have to come to the table completely filled up
So you have to have two people that are whole and happy
two individuals that are coming together
We can't come to the table half-filled. We can't come to the table expecting someone else to fill us up
we can't come to the table not knowing who we are and
Accepting ourselves for who we are we can't come to the table not knowing how to love ourselves and validate ourselves
We can't come to the table not knowing you know, what are my values? What do I find?
What do I find important in a relationship? What do I need in a relationship?
We just can't come to the table
Lacking any of those things because when you have two people that are not whole that's just a recipe for disaster
you're talking about codependency you're talking about abuse, but when you have two people that
Are just really happy in their own skin. They love themselves. They know how to validate themselves
They know what they want out of life
they know what they expect in a partner or just people that they surround themselves with so the first thing is
To people that are whole and happy just by themselves
the next thing is you have to accept your partner for who he is or who she is so
If we're happy and whole and we're okay just by ourselves
We and we accept ourselves. It's easy to accept other people for who they are
That doesn't mean that we enter in relationships with just anyone. It means that we
Support our partner we accept who they are. We love who they are. We respect who they are
We're not trying to change anything about them, you know changing little things here and there like hey
You know if you did this differently
It could really benefit you that's good stuff always giving each other feedback and things of that sort
But really trying to change someone there they're coordinates a core value
Within them or a character trait or just who they are at their core
That's not that's not healthy. Love that's not real love
This is why it's so important when we're dating is to discover who someone is that's really what dating is all about is
You're showing me that some pieces of who you are
I'm showing you bits and pieces of who I am and
We're seeing if we go together if we mesh and if you like what you see and that's why
When you're dating over time, you're becoming more and more authentic you're showing
You know your real self to this person because if you don't show it in the beginning you're eventually you know
you can only play a character for so long eventually that person's gonna come out and
If that person comes out a year to into a relationship or you know
While you're engaged or you just got married and all sudden you decide to be like the real person that you really are
That's no good
so that's what dating is all about is really
showing each other who we are so we either can choose to accept someone for who they are and that
their flaws are something that we're willing to put up with and deal with um,
I think Bob Marley says it, you know, everyone in life is gonna hurt you
You just have to choose the people worth being hurt over
Something like that. No, I totally just messed up that quote altogether, but that's okay. You get my drift
My drift is we're all imperfect and no one's perfect
We just have to find people that we love their imperfections and we love those corny things that make them who they are
we love them flaws and all the next thing that will determine a healthy relationship is if you
understand what love is and I think that this is really important because I don't think a lot of people
Really know what true love
True unconditional love actually means it's very easy to fall in love when we fall in love
that's basically our emotions taking over but when we love someone
love is a choice and when a choice is based off of
Logic and reason and when we choose to love someone that's something that we do every single day
You know over time the honeymoon phase goes goes away
And of course we can always get it back and we can always rekindle a spark but as time goes on
Really? What marriage and
Long-term love is about is a choice to love this person
That everything about them you love like I said flaws and all and you're choosing to be in love with this person. You're
choosing to love this person really the basis of
healthy
Relationships is a friendship because in the beginning we're infatuated with someone our emotions are taking over but over time
We're building that relationship with that person by going through good times by going through bad times and by sticking it out
you know some of I bet I've I personally have known a lot of couples where they
Can say that the hardest times that they had to go through in life as a couple drew them closer together
They then had more respect for each other. They had more understanding of who the other person was
I mean it really brought them together, you know good times are great
but going through bad times as well and still choosing to love someone that
Builds a healthy relationship that builds a lasting relationship
The next thing towards building a healthy relationship is you taking responsibility
for how you feel and
This for me was a real eye-opener when I started
Accepting that no matter what someone else did I had to take responsibility for what I felt
so if someone did something that was hurtful to me even though
Logically, yes, what they did is hurtful. I'm choosing to be angry. I'm choosing to stay in that place and it's a balance between
acknowledging the feeling and
You know learning how to parent yourself through the feeling
But then letting the feeling go and not staying stuck in the feeling and I think where a lot of couples will get into trouble
Is when they don't want to take responsibility for what they're thinking and how they feel in the relationship
They immediately just want to blame and if you think about it
Whenever a fight or a disagreement happens not just between couples
but really with anyone if we just took responsibility for how we felt and
Made a decision based off of how we felt what we wanted to do with that information
So if someone's continuously hurting us
Um, and we're continuously feeling hurt by someone we have to take responsibility for that and then we have to do something about it
So do we keep this person in our lives or do we say? Okay, let's talk about what just happened
let's use empathy and compassion for each other and try to understand each other's side of the story and sit down like
rational adults and
Try to figure out where the breakdown was. I mean, that's really emotional maturity. That's an adult relationship
but when we get nasty with each other and when we do those low blows and
When we're just nitpicking at each other and we're starting fights for no reason and we're blaming and then resentment happens
I mean it's a snowball effect. And if both people in the beginning of a relationship could just make a
commitment that no matter what happens I'm gonna take responsibility for how I feel and
I'm going to always have
Empathy for what you feel even if I don't agree with what you're feeling and I wouldn't feel that way
I still have to respect how you feel. I mean if we were able to do that
there would be
Probably a lot a lot less
Divorces in this country or even in the world if we just took responsibility for our own feelings
The next thing is honesty and respect
now in my mind the two go hand in hand because if you're gonna be honest with someone
Even if it's something that they don't want to hear you have to be able to not get defensive
When someone you love comes to you with something that they want to share with you some some sort of honesty now
Depending on the approach of the person that's expressing themselves, you know, whether it's passive-aggressive or whether it's really abusive or hurtful
That's a different story. We're just gonna pretend that we're all coming to the table. We have we all have emotional maturity
We know how to communicate with each other and we're coming to the table really from a loving place
We're being honest and we're coming from love
We're not coming from abuse and narcissistic abuse, you know emotional abuse passive aggressiveness all of those other things. We're coming straight with love
You in order to hear that honesty?
You have to number one respect the person that you're getting that feedback from you have to know that that person
Has your best interests at heart?
And you have to feel that at your core and if you don't feel that and you feel like you're being attacked
Or you feel like the way that they're saying it is, you know, like I said passive aggressive or condescending
Or they're coming from that egotistical place then
Most likely you're gonna react with defensive Ness
Now if you also have some internal wounds that you haven't dealt with as well, you're gonna come with defensiveness as well
But when two people can be honest with each other and they really respect each other, you know
Think of a really I'm sure we all have a relationship doesn't matter if it's a romantic partner
It can be anyone a friendship a parent a sister brother president
whatever
Where you can both just be blatantly honest with each other and you respect each other and you respect what that person has to say
And even if you don't take on their feedback
You still?
Acknowledged, you know, you still respect what they're saying and you don't get defensive when they say it
that's the test of a great relationship because we all want to be able to communicate what we're thinking and at times
Not everything you're thinking
That you want to tell your partner they're going to like or they're going to agree with and when we love each other
We really know how to have a healthy relationship and we respect the other person
That's much easier to listen to what they're saying and not come from that defensive place
The next thing is trust and I really don't think there's any explanation with that
If you don't trust your partner, then you're not in a healthy relationship. The next thing is in my opinion
It's probably one of the most important things aside from you know, respect and Trust and things of that sort
But it's making your relationship a priority
Making your relationship a priority to say, you know, what once a week we have a date night once a month
We have a date night, whatever it is that you can do for your relationship
Just making your partner a priority being concerned about your partner
How are they doing really coming from the place that you came from when you first met this person?
You know in the beginning everything is amazing. We're giving giving giving and all of a sudden
something happens in relationships
where it's like we stopped giving because we want something in return and what a lot of people don't realize is that when you give
You actually get so you just spent all of your time giving
To your partner, right? And when you come home your wife's had a hard day helping her out giving her a minute
Hey going going the tub for an hour here have a glass of wine go out with your friends. I'll watch the kids or
knowing that you know, your husband just came home and had an awful day, you know giving him a back rub or
Helping him do anything really just helping each other and being a team and making each other a priority
That's so important. And so many people don't do that. They don't have time for romance
They don't have time to put their partner first. Like they are just so consumed and so
self-centered
what they want and how they feel instead of just coming from a place of I want to give love to everyone and
you always get it back and you know, what if you're giving in a relationship and
Nothing is coming back ever then. Of course, that's time to re-examine
Who's the person that you're in a relationship with you know and how are they contributing to this?
Relationship because you can't do all of these things by yourself
And that's why it's so important to have two people that are happy and whole and take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings
And our givers and if you had two people doing all of these things and taking responsibility, but their part in the relationship
You'd have a great relationship. One of the things that I always stress throughout this entire channel is
Everything starts with you. So if you want a healthy relationship if you want a great partner
You have to learn how to take care of yourself. You have to learn how to be alone
You have to learn how to love your life just the way it is and be happy just by yourself
when you work on yourself and you heal your wounds and you get rid of that codependency you get rid of that guilt that
People-pleasing, um, you know needing validation
or and all of those things when you heal all of your stuff when you take responsibility for your life and your happiness you
Cannot not attract a great partner because you attract what you are
so
I hope that this has helped you guys understand really what a healthy relationship should look like and how it should feel
When you're in one, so again, thank you guys so much for all of the comments if you are interested in one-on-one coaching
I will link that down below if you're interested in following me on social media
I will also link that down below and I will see you next week