If you're like me sometimes you set the goals but you're not quite sure how to
achieve them. Five steps today on how to achieve your goals.
We've all got goals. In fact you know what the word goal kind of gets under
some people's skin. They don't even like it because it's like, "oh I'm one of those
people. Yeah. Yeah, do you know what I think of when I hear the word goal?
Soccer game. Right, football for those of you across. Alright so you have goals
there's all kinds of connotations that come up when people hear that word. But
we all have things that we want to accomplish. Things that we've told
our self we're going to do or that we've promised to ourselves or to other people.
And those sometimes remain is unkept commitments because we haven't figured
out how to fulfill those. You and I did another video. We did... oh by the way folks,
Chad Brown. Thanks. Love always. Adventure often. You're
going to love his YouTube channel, lots of adventures that he's doing with
his family. But Chad and I have known each other for a while and as I've
connected with him about how did achieve your goals. You've taken some gutsy steps
my friend. I have, yeah I'm making some bold claims for sure. Can I just give our
watchers an example? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so he and his wife had one of these
unkept commitments. One of these goals, they wanted to do more traveling. Yes.
Right. You see where I'm going with this? Absolutely. And there was there was this
time when Chad connected with and you can share more of the story if you want.
But he connected with what was getting in his way. Yeah. Which was? Fear. Fear.
Yep, fear. Number one barrier to our achieving our goals but you did
something really bold, you sold your house. Oh yeah. Because the goal was to
travel, right? The goal was to travel. Well what are you going to do if you don't have
a house? Well you build a school bus of course. Look it works schoolly. For you so that's all
part of the adventures that you get to follow with Chad on his channel. But you
learned something about fear. Yeah and it's something that you and I have both
taught with our clients in in our coaching. That fear is going to get in
your way more than anything else. And you probably can connect with this because
you know you've got some, don't you? Some fear, what is it that's stopping you from
achieving your goals. So we're going to go through a few steps today. We're going to
give you a practical. If you want to see the other video where we talked about
fear can link to it right up there and you see that conversation. We're
going to build on that today and get into some specific steps. So Chad walk us
through this. So can I set some context the little bit? So I like to talk
about fear or the way at least most of us look at our fears right now as that
belligerent drunk uncle at Thanksgiving. Right? He has to be there. You know I mean
like family. Yeah he has to be there and like he needs at least a good meal every
once in a while. But everybody just kind of pushes him down
to the corner spot of the table you know. And just kind of like, "yeah you crazy."
Well just kind of pretend like you're not there but be there right in
the in the most loving family way possible, right? Absolutely.
So that right now currently that you might be able to relate to this that may
be how you think about fear. And let me explain a little bit because you're
going know that doesn't make any sense to me. Here's the thing, a lot of times
the way we relate to fear is we pretend that it's not there. But every once in a
while, it's this thing that goes and usually more than every once in a while.
Usually like daily or every minute. It gets in your face it's like, "hey, hey I'm
here. Hey remember me? I'm fear." and you're like, "nope, nope, nope you.I don't remember you.
I don't remember you." Just go sit in your corner.
Exactly you go to the corner at the table because nobody wants to deal with
you. Uh-huh I want to pretend like you don't exist.
Right and what I'm saying is that's an incredibly or can be an incredibly
unhealthy place for your fear to exist. Dark corner inside of you somewhere that
rears its head every once in a while or way too often to get in your way - of what
you want or your goals right or these these unkept commitments. Yeah and so as
you think about your relationship with fear, we're going to talk about five ways,
five steps in which you can develop a different relationship with
fear. Right in the last video we talked about conquering and smashing and
smashing and crushing fear. Which is exhausting. It's really exhausting. Really,
really exhausting. We're going to talk about how we actually make friendships
with our fears. Which will in turn put us in position to accomplish or achieve our
goals because that's what's getting in our way in the first place. Yeah you see
your fears are who you are. They're a part of you. I've studied and read
and watched a lot of the greats who do some really cool stuff that they're very
fearful of and they will say the fear never goes away.
You know what's interesting about that is that these people have done amazing
things over and over again. Sometimes for 20, 30, 40, 50 years and they're still
experiencing the fear. So what's different? It's their relationship with
the fear, right? What they're doing? So our first step, our first step.
Okay, let's go okay. Here we go. So what's happened is you've taken this
fear and you've tried to ignore that. It's there and you've pushed it down
into a dark place that it doesn't get to breathe, live and so it's constantly
trying to come up for air. Okay, what we need to do very, very first is we've
got to rediscover what those fears are. Now, if that doesn't create some fear in
you, in other words, if it does create a little bit of.... probably we're on the
right track. We're on the right track because we're bringing it out of the shadows.
We're just going to take a look. Let me make a distinction here as well. This
process is simple but I did not say this process is easy. Simple and easy aren't
the same thing. They are not the same thing. Right. This is not easy. This is
hard work, my friends. I run a podcast called "it takes grit" and it's all about
people coming to terms with their fears. Yeah.
And creating a relationship. Right. The reason I named it is because it's
work. Yeah. And it's practice. I love the word practice. Practice is my favorite
word because that's all we're doing, we're practicing life, okay.
So our first step is discovering those fears. We've become so unfamiliar with
them and we have convinced ourselves. You could you could speak to the
psychological side of this stuff. We have literally convinced ourselves they don't
exist, yet they still make our heart race, they still make our palms sweat. They
still make our..... for me I don't know how you experience fear but for me it's in
my stomach. Like a tightening and a corner so at some level we know
we're lying to ourselves about this. Yeah Yeah. We know that it's in there
somewhere, that it's lurking. Yeah hope it doesn't come out and clobber us.
Yeah. So yeah. I got a discover how we've got to discover those fears. Again okay
we need to know where they exist. Okay acknowledge them. And so the
way that I do this and there's there's multiple, multiple ways and I don't think
there's one prescription for everybody but the way that I do this is through
meditation and mindfulness. These quiet moments where I get to observe all of
the things that bubble up when nothing else is going on. Mm-hmm.
When I'm in those quiet moments, my greatest fears come alive. It's their
opportunity right? They just show up and say, hello. You think if you're a parent,
think of your little child, right? And you've had this experience I'm sure when
you're having a sophisticated adult conversation with somebody else and your
child is doing this to you Dada Dada Dada Dada Dada Dada Dada Dada Dada Dada....
Right? And you're going like this? Well that's what you're doing with your fears.
And if your kids are anything like my kids, when they see that opportunity,
when it's quiet, when nothing's going on, it's like, "Dad!" Right and those are our
fears. So your quieting your mind. This is what mindfulness and meditation means to
me is that we quiet some of the noise. We go ahead and take a look. We're not going
to freak out about this. We're simply going to observe.
Yes, yes. I see it. And you know what's cool about this Dr. Paul is this
doesn't look like meditation for everybody. Some people it's prayer, some
people it's taking a walk. Walking is incredibly healthy. Right. For you to
bring... I mean you're working your body physically. You're working your mind,
you run all of those things, that I mean if you can take a walk, if memories....
Massage, beautiful. So those quiet moments you pay attention.
You observe. Right, where we become scientists and we become curious. If you
judge the process will not work. Kind of spoils it.
Yes, yeah just be with it. You can't judge those fears as they come up or they're
going to go back down. You're going to push them down, right? And so okay all we're
doing is we're observing, we're looking and we're no connect. Yeah.
Journal people. Alright journal this process. You have to journal but you
don't have to, you can choose to do whatever you want. It's all joy but if
you want the process to work, you've got a journal because we're going to reference
that back in other steps. It'll give you a baseline. Absolutely. So that's step one.
Step two now that we've identified our our fears, we're going to do what I call
"take them out to coffee" Now let me get some contacts really quick. If
I want to get to know somebody and I want to create a relationship with
them, I will invite them to meet me at the local coffee shop. We'll sit down.
We'll wrap around. A little time to go, spend a little time together with
hopefully not much of an agenda. Just to get to know each other. A sit to to ask
questions and and if I want it to be a healthy relationship, I'm going to invest
in them. Does that make sense? Right. So we can
do this same thing with fear. And you know it's interesting, I probably look like a
crazy person a lot of time. You do. Just saying, I'm a psychologist. I
literally make appointments on my calendar to take my fears to coffee.
To take your fears to coffee. Yes, I invite them to coffee with me. I go to the...
and it's a shop that I don't usually go to. It's... I know that that's my space
to do that thing. I know I told you I'm weird but... So there's something
that's intentional about that. Though that I think is so important that we
actually make it an intentional process. Yes. But this is all about live on
purpose after all. Right, exactly. Okay so you can actually make an appointment for
it if you want to. Yep. So number three, let me ask you this question Dr. Paul.
Okay ask you this question, if you go to coffee one time with somebody or if you
go out to lunch one time with somebody, do you know them? Are they your friend?
Well you know I'm better than you did before. Right. But how our
friendship's developed? Yeah there's got to be some continuity. There's going to be
some follow-up. There yes be there for more than one event. Yes, this is not a
one-time event my friends. We don't...you know however old you are, you have spent
that many years developing this current relationship with fear and that's not
going to change over a 50 minute coffee appointment with your fears. Right. Okay
when I love practice. I love the term practice and so step number three is
practice. Practice and I actually title it befriend your fear, but the the
core of that step is, practice, practice practice, practice, practice. And know we
get better at whatever we practice. We do and we can become... I love the term
new even more than better because we can create a new relationship.
every time we practice this. And that's really... I love that terminology.
Yeah so it's not going to develop. You're not going to change overnight. This is
a process that needs to be practiced over and over again if you want to be
successful and create a different relationship with your fears. And achieve
your goals. Which is what we're talking about anyway. Thank you for that
Chad. Yeah, okay, so step number four then we're up to four, right yes we're
number four. I want you to do something with me. Have you ever done this before?
Have you ever dabbed before? Oh I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Try this.
No you got of like bury your forehead. You got a like bury your forehead. Yeah, yeah yeah. That's
better? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. So I'm not a good dabber. So this step, step number four, I
called the "dab step". The dab step.It's actually an acronym. We talked about
this on Live on Purpose radio is the one I'm going for. Uh-huh.
It's daily acts of bravery. Daily acts of bravery. Yeah.
Dab...Yes, dab. There you go. So we've spent some time with our fears. We've
created a friendship with them or we're practicing,creating a friendship with them. Or we're practicing creating a friendship with them.
And now we're going to take it out into the real world. Okay. Now
application is the key, right? because we can do this in our silo and in our
echo chamber all we want, but until it relates to our real life, in our actions
it's... I mean it's not worthless because you're probably a happier person but
it's not going to reach your goals, right? Because goals take action. Daily acts
of bravery. Daily acts of bravery and so this is a kind of a
three sub step process that I'm not going to go into detail with but it has to
do with this discovery of art. We take... remember I talked about journaling
during our discovery? So you're taking the discovery of your fears and you're
basically looking at those and creating action items on a daily basis that makes
you confront those fears. I don't even like the word confront, sorry that was a
slip-up. What does it make you either? You're choosing to do this right? Right.
You can choose to embrace those fears and go after that daily act of bravery. In
fact, it's your fear that defines your dab. Yeah. Think about that for a minute.
Courage is defined by fear. You can't have one without the other. If you don't
have the fear you're not being courageous. No. So you feel the fear, I
love the way Dr. Susan Jeffers put this. She has a book titled "feel the fear" and
do it anyway. Because the fear is guiding you toward what your
courageous act will be. Yes. Yes. But remember we're not fighting it.
We're not crushing it. We're not conquering it. Without long a do, another disclosure. Please this
does not mean that you should take whatever you're afraid of and go do that.
Like jumping off of cliffs for example. Yes I always forget... So we're going we're
going to make a little disclaimer there. That your fear serves you well to keep
you safe- physically. Alright but there's a lot of irrational fears that
we develop and you'll know which are which. Yes, okay you'll know which ones
are which so we're not talking about facing every fear you have. You know if
you're going to get physically hurt or die, in fact, keep that fear. Embracing that
fear helps to keep you alive. Yes so we'll make that little disclaimer. Yes. So
you got one more, right? We've got we got five? I got five, we need five steps bring
number five just feels incomplete at four doesn't it? Especially when we said
there would be five. You have a fifth one chat or not?
So we've discovered them. We've befriend them. Hmm... We've put them into practice. Parctice it.
Now we're going to help others do the same thing. Yeah. There's a
a certain amount of anchoring that happens within us when we take a
practice that we've been participating in for a while and then we go out and we
help others. Right. Right. it's like a next level anchoring. I
don't I don't know how else to put that but we now....
Yeah, well this follows Chad from what we know from the psychological side
of things. When we experience something that changes us, you said that you become
new. Yes it's not like improved, it's like a whole new creature sometimes isn't it?
Yeah and when we experience something that renews our own life, we naturally
want to share that. Yeah. And especially with the people who are closest to us. So
you'll notice that the first people who come to your mind that you want to help
or assist or to share, are the people that you love the most.
Yeah. The people we are closest to. Yes absolutely. So it's a totally natural outpouring of
accomplishing some success within ourselves. Yeah. Yeah. And there's there's
something amazing that happens. I've seen it time and time again with my coaching
clients is when we're when we've gotten on a good end of some of these fears and
some of these practices, instantaneously almost it seems like instant
instinctively. It's probably a better word. Yeah. They tell me I want
to do this for other people. I want to help people. I want to help guide people
through this same process. Right. And so to really anchor that process, we
share it and we help others in the world. I mean think of a world that...and I'm a
really big dreamer. I've noticed. So I think of a world where all of us have a
very healthy relationship with our fears. Know them and use them to be better and
be the people that we are actually meant to be and and that's only going to happen, I
can't do it all myself. I need some help. So take this practice and share it. Share
it. Beautiful. Five steps. There you go. Yeah. Thank You Chad Brown. Thanks for
having me. You can link to chat in some of the descriptions down below and just
have some fun. Love always an adventure often. That's right. This has been so fun.
There you go. You know what the fact that you're here
shows that you're moving toward those great goals. There's probably some other
people that you'd like to bring along, please share this episode with them.
I saw standing in the street alone alone