Are you ready for a new kind of Disney movie?
Full of strong female characters,
no forced romantic sub-plots,
and a celebration of Polynesian culture?
Then you'll love...
...Lilo and Stitch.
"Did not see that coming."
Oh, and probably also Moana.
Meet Moana,
a strong, determined young woman
who won't stop until she gets the job done.
"I am Moana."
"You will board my boat, sail across the sea,"
"and restore the heart of Te Fiti."
Who after 90 minutes of adventure
becomes a strong, determined young woman
who won't stop until she gets the job done.
"I am Moana."
"You will board my board, sail across the sea,"
"and restore the heart of Te Fiti."
She's indestructible,
she's fearless,
and she's got water powers
just as confusing and vague as Elsa's ice magic in Frozen.
So wait, does she have any water powers at all?
Or does it only protect whoever has the glowy thing?
And if the ocean has her back,
why does it keep trying to drown her?
"Help me!"
Follow along on Moana's quest to save her homeland,
by following a super obvious sign
"Maui lies there."
in a journey that pokes fun at all of Disney's usual tropes
"If you wear a dress, and you have an animal sidekick,
you're a princess!"
"If you start singing, I'm gonna throw up."
while at the same time being 100% guilty of them.
From her cute animal sidekicks,
to her grand-Mufasa,
to her genie, Maui,
an all-powerful, charismatic, brawling, tattooed demi-god.
So pretty much, The Rock.
Enjoy the highest honor a culture can receive these days
having your traditions commodified by the Disney corporation.
And watch as the Polynesian people,
who traveled between islands thousands of miles apart thousands of years ago,
are represented by paranoid coconut lovers
who would rather starve to death than sail past a three-foot break.
"We were voyagers.
We can voyage again!"
Haole for effort, I guess.
So enjoy a film with a soundtrack people can't stop gushing about
because the guy from Hamilton is involved
and not even the ocean gushes as hard as Hamilton fans.
Featuring songs like:
The "They're really into coconuts" song
The "Uh oh, we're making the Rock sing" song?
The "Let it Go"-ish song
And, the "Beautiful song in a foreign language that could be saying anything" song
I hope you liked that one,
because it turns out it's really freaking hard to find a Tokelauan translator.
Okay, so wait a second.
Rapunzel has demon hair,
Elsa has ice powers,
and Moana is a water bender?!
Are we building up to Disney's Princess Avengers?
*manly squee*