All right, all right.
It's only this next singer's fourth time singing in this pub, so cut him some slack.
He's singin' something new.
[Applause and cheers.]
Hi.
[Laughter.]
Uh, I'm Neil.
[Laughter.]
Uh, I wouldn't be here if someone else hadn't passed on hosting so...
Special thanks to Shia LaBoeuf for this opportunity.
[Laughter, applause, cheers.]
[Guitar chords.]
I can break your heart with a work of art
And a song that's quiet and small
But we're back where we began it all:
Radio City Music Hall.
So tonight...
We...
might...
go...
Bigger
That's right, it's bigger
It's Broadway's greatest night and we're rarin' to go
Let's make it bigger
Tonight it's bigger
Who will take home a Tony statue? We don't know.
I guarantee a truly legendary show!
[Applause.]
This seasons new recruits include the cast of "Kinky Boots"
You know, they're beautiful and buff as Navy SEALs
And you could bounce a quarter off the ass of Billy Porter
Lord, he does eight shows a week in eight-inch heels
Hats off to Berry Gordy, he runs "Motown" like a boss
He dominates Top 40 (and he banged Diana Ross)
He wrote his own libretto, which is really kind of ballin'
He took every Motown classic and he said, "I'll put 'em all in!"
Make it bigger. ENSEMBLE: It's bigger!
NEIL: That's right, it's bigger! ENSEMBLE: It's bigger!
NEIL: I just learned this dance like half an hour ago. We're goin' bigger.
ENSEMBLE: It's bigger! NEIL: Like so much bigger!
ENSEMBLE: So much bigger!
NEIL: You ever seen so many divas in a row? ENSEMBLE: Hell no!
NEIL: Well stick with me, 'cause your emcee's a seasoned pro.
ENSEMBLE: Go, Neil, go!
NEIL: It's "Pippin," never flippin', always slippin' As he's pinin' for his corner of the sky
But the sky is overcrowded with this oh-so-highly touted cast of singing circus people flying by
[Cheers.]
The cast of "Bring It On" had – count them – 32 debuts!
Hey kids! Welcome to Broadway!
Don't forget your union dues.
In tandem like we planned 'em...
Forgive me if it's random, but Mike Tyson had a one-man show
Let's give the man a hand And make things bigger.
MIKE TYSON: Bigger. NEIL: So much bigger!
MIKE TYSON: So much bigger.
NEIL: I'm here with Iron Mike, he's a heavyweight, yo! MIKE TYSON: Woo!
NEIL: We're goin' bigger. The night is bigger. MIKE TYSON: [unintelligible]
NEIL: We've got cheerleaders, contortionists, and so— Hey hey!
If you're a sports bar, change the channel to our show.
ENSEMBLE: Go, Neil, go!
NEIL: The magical Matildas stole the show and nearly killed us
So they got a special Tony of their own.
This strikes at the achilles of the jaded former Billys—
They get Tonys, but get fired when they're grown
Now here's the kids from "Christmas Story," Annie and her orphans...
So many child actors high on Red Bull and endorphins
They barely come up to your knees, but God they're singing like MVPs
And they're the reason this whole season seems to look like Chuck E. Cheese
And jeez, it's bigger!
KIDS: It's bigger! NEIL: That's right, it's bigger.
KIDS: It's bigger!
NEIL: Is there a Tony daycare where all of you go?
You're gettin' bigger KIDS: Bigger, bigger!
NEIL: The night is bigger! KIDS: We're bigger!
NEIL: Do your parents set aside your Broadway dough?
KIDS: Heck no!
NEIL: When I played Doogie... never mind—On with the show!
KIDS: Go, Neil, go!
NEIL: Oh, Broadway's where famous people go
Though being famous doesn't mean that you will get a good review.
So Alec, write Ben Brantley if you want – that's entertaining, too!
We've got magic to do!
Bigger.
NEWSIES: Bigger! NEIL: That's right, it's bigger!
NEWSIES: It's bigger! NEIL: I'm walking down the aisle with some Newsies in tow
Ya know it's bigger. NEWSIES: It's bigger!
NEIL: So much bigger! NEWSIES: We're bigger!
NEIL: If there's a Newsie you'd prefer, please let me know.
You'll get a Newsie in your gift bag when you go!
[Spoken:] That's true.
That's true, there's like 150 of those punks.
Oh wait, oh wait, oh! Check this out:
Uh, uh... Can I cave my Tom Hooper "Les Miz" closeup, please?
[Laughter.]
[Cheers, applause.]
See, on Broadway we don't need extreme close-ups to prove we're singing live.
[Cheers.]
We sing live eight shows a week. Check it:
[Raps:] At the end of the day we are gathered together to honor the best and the brightest
And tomorrow the fashion police will report on your dress and who wore it the tightest
If you win, have the time of your life! Tell your manager, dad, and your mom "thanks."
"Hi" to your kids and your husband or wife – Maybe just for the hell of it Tom Hanks.
Nothing is bigger and better than seeing a veteran get an ovation
Or seeing a brilliant beginner freak out on a win on their first nomination
There's a kid in the middle of nowhere who's sitting there living for Tony performances
Singin' and flippin' along with the Pippins and Wickeds and Kinkys, Matildas, and Mormonses...
So we might reassure that kid
And do something to spur that kid
Cuz I promise you, all of us up here tonight –
We were that kid
And now we're bigger! ENSEMBLE: Bigger!
NEIL: Tonight, it's bigger! ENSEMBLE: Tonight is big!
NEIL & ENSEMBLE: So let's create the biggest spectacle we know!
NEIL: Come see the super sexy Cinderella sisters celebrating
Ladies, grab a fella... The tempo is accelerating...
Spidey, Pippin, Motown, Phantom, Kinky, Rock of Ages,
Chicago, Bring It On, A Christmas Story sharin' stages
ALL: Mamma Mia, Lion King, and Jersey Boys are tappin'...
NEIL: Kathy Lee's a Broadway lyricist, so anything can happen!
ALL: Bigger!
New York is bigger!
So welcome to our bigger, better, Best of Broadway
Tony show!
[Thunderous applause and cheers.]
NEIL: Well, that's our budget. Goodnight!
[Laughter.]
No, no, I'm kidding. We're just getting started. Please welcome to the stage our first two presenters: two super-talents.
Audra McDonald and Zachary Quinto
[Applause.]
ZACHARY: That's the definition of a tough act to follow.