What are you looking at?
Can I ask a quick question?
Yeah, quick question, ask away.
You have this nice, comfortable chair here.
Yes, yes.
And this is kind of...
I don't really know what to make of this.
What do you actually- What do you mean?
I think that's a very nice chair!
Well it's nice looking. That was in my apartment
for like 4 years.
This is a good... (audience laughs)
Well how kind of you to bring this.
Yeah. It's just a little...
I'm not quite sure, I kind of want to face you
but then I'm here, I'm not sure what to do.
It's your choice as an actor,
you make a choice and you stick with it.
And look what my chair does!
I need some direction.
You can go up and down. Look it.
Woo!
See? It goes down.
(audience laughs)
I can't do that. This actually...
I hit this lever once accidentally during an interview,
and it fell and I didn't know it,
and then I was just like this the rest of the time.
(audience laughs)
That's good. (Conan laughs)
The desk is, it looks much smaller than I thought.
This is small, everything...
So what if I was just like this the whole time,
(in high-pitched voice) "Hey Joaquin! What's up?"
Yeah, it's really small. (audience laughs)
It's like the Dorf on Golf video.
So how are you?
Doing really good, thanks for having me.
You seem thrilled to be here, which is cool.
(Conan laughs) (audience laughs)
I know you don't love these shows.
You're being totally sarcastic here.
I know. Yeah. It's great.
No, I'm curious about something.
We're going to talk about Buffalo Soldiers in just a second,
but you just finished shooting for 6 months
on a movie that's about firefighters,
where you had to pretty much train to be a real firefighter,
Yeah.
which for a lot of people like,
a lot of kids growing up,
that would be a cool, fun thing to do.
I used to love fire houses when I was a kid,
I used to think it would be cool to go down the fire pole.
Did you do that?
Well I majored in cowardice at Cal State,
Really! Okay.
so I wasn't really built for that kind of thing.
Right, right.
I'm meant to sit in a rocking chair
and smoke a pipe and that kind of thing.
Right, right.
So, I go down there and yeah it was the first thing to do.
When you're a firefighter you gotta slide down the pole.
And I got up there, and I look down and I was like,
"I can't do that. You're crazy."
'Cause I'm certain that you land
and your feet just go up into your torso.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
And you walk around Yeah.
like in a cartoon?
I'm not kidding, it's very scary.
You look down, it's very scary.
This is so humiliating,
I knew this was going to happen to me.
They had to...
They got a ladder and they put it next to the pole,
and I went up 3 rungs, and slid down.
(laughs) (audience laughs)
I was very proud of myself.
And then they gave you a cookie.
Yeah, it was amazing. (audience laughs)
And then I went up 5 rungs.
Right, right.
I finally made it to the top,
and that was really amazing. I felt triumphant.
Now you actually had what was...
You actually got into a situation
where you were mistaken for a real fireman,
and you had to try and come to the rescue.
Is that true?
Yeah. Well, not the rescue but...
I'd gone down to the fire house,
and the guys had gone on a run, I'd missed them,
I was with one of the kids in the movie, Balthazar Getty,
and these undercover cops came up
and they said they needed help with a forceful entry.
And they didn't recognize you guys?
No, we were in our blues and we're at the fire house.
So I said, "Yeah, sure thing.",
and I'm going, "What the hell are we gonna do?"
So I run, I grab this huge battering ram,
it takes six people to do it,
and the cop looks at it and he's like,
"You're not gonna need that, right,
probably just take a Halligan.",
which is a tool that they use, like a large crowbar.
Right.
So we went down there and we go to the door
and they point out the door
and (sighs) we have no idea what to do.
We don't know how to open this door.
Did you have this tool? We had this tool.
This Halligan? We were holding it.
We looked good. Yeah.
We just didn't know... (Conan laughs)
That's all, that's nine 10ths of it isn't it?
For the movie, but here we are in real life.
We gotta open this door.
Right.
So we worked at this thing, and honestly it was 15 minutes
and the cops were just now laughing at us.
There was nothing more you could do.
So, I mean I tried everything,
and I did the kind of shoulder thing
and I literally bounced off the door, went down the stairs.
'Cause I've always thought that...
I seen it in the movies but when you really...
Every time I've run up against a door
and put my shoulder to it nothing happens.
So you've tried that as well.
Yeah, I've tried it,
I'm always trying to break into woman's rooms and you know.
(audience laughing)
Move on. It's your story not mine.
No, let's go onto another, I know.
It started getting dark and I was uncomfortable
and this should be fun.
You told me it was going to be a fun show, right?
Exactly! I tried.
I tried to get the band playing the good music upfront
I thought everything was going really good.
and they played the march of the elephants.
(audience laughing)
I like that, that was very quick
how you did the marching elephants thing.
I like that. Oh good.
Thank you. Yes, yeah.
I'm always trying, I'm always killing time out here.
I wanna, let's talk about in Buffalo Soldiers
you shot this, Buffalo Soldiers, in Germany.
Mm-hmm And one thing,
I got to go to Germany once for a day on business
and I really always wanted to go on the autobahn.
Did you get to drive on the autobahn?
Conan, that is just so funny that you ask me that.
(audience laughing)
Do you have an autobahn story?
Do you read my mind?
Do you have an autobahn story?
I have an autobahn story. Oh this is crazy!
Can you believe it! (audience applauding)
He's amazing.
(audience applauding)
[Joaquin] I don't know how you do it.
That is weird.
It's almost as if someone called you yesterday and talked.
It's like I had a pre-interview or something.
Oh wow! (Conan deeply exhales)
I don't know how you do it.
You know what?
Well... You're gifted.
You're gifted. It's a gift!
It's a gift. You don't question it.
Don't question it. It's beautiful. Use it.
Take advantage of it.
Things come to my mind and I ask.
Great. So, the autobahn?
(audience laughing)
Well now it's not, now it's totally anticlimactic.
I can't tell the story.
I mean this whole bit was much funnier.
(Conan laughs) (audience laughing)
What a great way to get outta telling a story.
No, I'll tell, You're a very crafty guy.
I'll tell a little bit of the story.
Well, I was just always excited about the autobahn
'cause there's no rules.
I just thought it was fantastic, you just drive-
There's no speed limit at all?
Yeah, there's no speed limit.
And then I did it and I was driving on it
and it was the most terrifying experience
I ever had in my life,
and I thought this should be illegal.
(Conan laughing) That's what I was thinking.
I guess it is here. Yeah.
There they're totally cool with it.
It's so strange because you have to be like a hawk-eye,
you have to see your exit a mile in advance
or else if you're going so fast,
that you kinda look up and your like,
" Is that... Okay", (Conan laughs)
and it's gone and that's it. Right, right.
I kind of gave up on the whole exit thing at some point,
and we basically (audience laughing)
we just kept driving because your brakes don't...
After 300 miles an hour
the brakes aren't gonna really do anything.
Right, right, right.
You're going that speed, they kinda just go like,
"You know what mate, you're on your own."
(Conan laughs) (audience laughing)
I have English brakes by the way.
You have British brakes.
Yeah, they're British brakes.
You need German brakes.
We will stop now!
(audience laughing)
I don't know, I think that the...
I think the exits just kind of launch you into space
or something. Sure, yeah.
I don't think it actually goes down, it's kind of an up-
I don't even, now I don't want to go and try it.
It sounds too frightening to me.
I like 55.
I'm that kind of guy I know.
Just nice and easy, leisurely.
You take in the sites a little bit.
Put on cruise control, yeah.
This is, it's terrifying. Yeah.
Should I favor this area now, and, or-
I liked it when you were looking at me but...
(audience applauds) all right, look out at them.
Aw, come on. (audience applauding)
Ah, okay.
I'm gonna film in this area.
Whoa, whoa! What's this mean?
What's the big red thing? This is red.
Okay let's shoot that. That's the red wrap that I get.
Hey, oh look at this angle right here.
Doesn't this look like the cool album cover,
if Joaquin and I made an album?
(audience laughing)
Do your hard look. Do your hard look.
What's that?
Do a hard look.
Do a, okay wait, just turn away from me for a second.
All right. Close your eyes.
Now when I call your name Yeah.
just give me your hardest look.
Yes, sir. Okay.
Conan.
Nice! Nice! (audience applauding)
(bleep)
(Conan giggles) swearing...
Oh, did I just say (bleep)?
(Conan laughing)
Yes, you did just say that. Yeah, I love that.
You can't say that?
Come on! We can do anything we want. We rule the night.
Nice, nice. (audience laughing)
You know, we have to show this clip from Buffalo Soldiers.
We have a clip here from Buffalo Soldiers.
But they said I didn't have to lead it in,
You don't have to, yeah.
'cause I don't know how to do that stuff.
Joaquin doesn't want to set it up.
So I'll set up the clip. Yeah, set it up.
Here's what we...
I was in Buffalo Soldiers and...
(audience laughing) I'll be you.
And I play the scheming soldier.
I'm always scheming kinda like a Bilko character
and Ed Harris is my commanding officer.
He doesn't know what I'm up to.
Here's a clip of me trying to scam him.
(audience laughs)
What is this? What have we here?
Just some requisitions, sir.
1,000 gallons
of Mop and Glo, my god!
Do we really need that much?
Well, cleanliness is next to Godliness.
(pen clicks)
(engine revving)
How do you do mein freund. How are you?
Doing just fine. Doing just fine.
So, we do some business today?
Sure thing. Guys?
(liquid pouring)
I think you'll be pleased.
(liquid splashes)
Look at the sparkle.
That's real cleaning power.
Sehr gut scheisse, ja?
Sehr gut scheisse, mein freund.
U.S. Army's finest.
500 gallons ready to go.
(audience applauding) You're a bad man.
Buffalo Soldiers opens tomorrow in select cities.
Right.
Expanding further in the weeks ahead.
Yeah. You know what? Yes?
Do they have to beep out the scheisse?
No, no-
Even though it's German for the bad word.
Is that, or are they cool with that?
German for what?
Sh... We'll be right...
(Conan laughs) (audience laughing)
Sh... That's all right.
No, we'll take of the whole thing.
You're gonna make everything...
I have so much power over late night television
that I can, yeah, America will accept it tonight
'cause I say so. That's great. Thank you.
You know, it was very cool having you here.
I'm done? Thank you for having me...
That was great. Joaquin Phoenix.
Scott Thompson coming up. We'll take a break.
We'll be right back.