Vicki, we're getting a lot of requests and one of those has to do with how to
stop siblings from fighting all the time? -That's a hard one. Let's see if we can
give you some ideas. You said this is a hard one and it... It is because you can
control yourself. -Right. -Some of the time. In fact, we're all working on that right?
So that we don't lose our cool and we're not the ones that are fighting. When it's
our kids who are fighting with each other, that's a particular challenge. Because you don't
control either one of them. -Right. -Because it's all about them. And so we've got to
find them what can we do to set up kind of a different expectation within the
home. And probably the best thing to do is get really clear about your family
rules right from the start. So, we're going to make a big long list. Maybe 50 or
60 rules. No, does that sound terrible? In fact, I've worked with families before
who had lists like that and it's so exhausting to try to keep up with all
those rules. And you know what? Those kids always find something. -That you didn't
mention quite enough. -Right. So, we got simplify it but make it general enough
that it's going to cover what we need to have happen. And then we'll address some
specific ideas about dealing with the sibling fighting and quarreling after we
establish the rules. So, rule number 1. Vicki, what is it? -Respect yourself and other. Do you
see how that has to do with fighting? So, what kinds of things does rule number
1 cover? -You know, it covers almost everything how you talked about somebody,
how you talk about yourself, how you talk to somebody else. And so respecting
yourself and others. You do have some control as a parent is to remind your
family of the rules. -Mm-hmm. -It can come off as nagging so you have to be really
careful. -Well we call it reminding. They call it something else.
Punching, biting, gouging, maiming, hitting. All violations at rule number 1. -Yeah. -Just
so that we're clear. -Yeah. -But what about... What about the kid who comes home and
says, "I'm so stupid." -Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a particular student as soon as you say
anything to him, he's like, "I'm dumb." And so we
talked a lot about that's not where we're going to go we're going to go. Respect
ourselves and others. -That's rule number 1.
The second rule comes right on its heels. And it still includes respect. But it's
about property this time. Respect property. I ask kids all the time "What is
property?" You know the number 1 answer is? "My neighbor's yard." Because that's the
context. They've heard it. You stay off my property or whatever. -Don't go in their
property, it's not yours. -Property is any thing that is owned or
controlled by a person. Your shirt is your property. Your house obviously. Your
yard. All of those things are property. And respecting property. So, what if same
kid that came home saying that he's stupid comes home and throws his
backpack right on the living room floor? Or his shoes in the sink? -Besides being
gross, they're not respecting the property because they have... It has a home.
That property has a home. -Right, a home and a place. And so we put things in their
place, we take good care of things. Vandalism obviously, destructive behavior.
Those kinds of things are a violation of rule number 2. But also taking
something that doesn't belong to you. Without asking. Rule number 3 is
really interesting and we've found that a lot of the parents we work with. Really
appreciate this one because it covers everything that we didn't cover in the
first 2. And honestly, what have we missed so far? The first 2 are pretty
comprehensive. -But we throw in this one: Cooperate and obey. -Right. You know what I
love about cooperate? It's basically a rule to be on stage 2. -Right. One of the
things that I'm thinking about is where talking about. This is not really
saying how to stop them from fighting. But what we're having to do is set up
that foundation first and because... You know, what you really can't reason with
someone while they're in the moment of fighting. -Right. -It's a really hard thing
to do. So, really the best success you're going to have is to make this foundation
really strong in the moments of calm as a family member. The other thing that I
was thinking about is as you continue to vamp up and power up your parenting,
you're helping your kids learn how to move from stage 1 into stage 2. Remember,
one of the biggest markers that you've moved into
stage 2 is that you're willing to cooperate. -Cooperate. -You're cooperating,
you're not fighting. You may not be happy but you're not fighting. So, if your kids
are fighting with each other, they are acting stage 1 at that moment. -Now, if
you're catching this video for the first time here on the channel
or someone has shared it with you, you may not have any idea what we're talking
about. There's other videos here in the positive parenting playlist that
describe that. The place where you can really drill down on that is the
parenting power up. There's a link down in the description and we'll talk a
little more about that later. Understanding these stages put you in a
position of power and influence that you don't have before you understand it. So,
Vicki, as you're talking about this, okay we don't really control our kids but we
want to create a family culture. And I thought of that word culture. Respect,
respect yourself and others. Respect property. Cooperate and obey. And
obedience is a little different from cooperation because you obey someone who
has authority over. You like that mom and dad? You cooperate with anyone including
your siblings. Anyone who's asking you to do something
that's right and reasonable. Before we end the video, let's give you a couple of
nuggets that you can use if you've got a problem going on with your kids fighting
with each other. The siblings fighting together. One of the things that I've
liked to use in the past is called a response cost. Now, response cost it's
kind of like a parking ticket. It costs you something to have that response. -Okay.
-Okay? So, response cost, it's going to cost them something to have the fighting
response with their brother or their sister. So, one way to set this up really
simply. Get you a sip lock bag, okay? You know, the clearer it zips up at the top.
And right with a permanent marker the child's name on that bag, it's there. -So
you want... -Yeah. They want to have ownership so they know it's going to be
there. This makes it immediate, it makes it ownership. Now, I'm talking basically
for kind of school-aged gifts that we're talking about. If you're dealing with
teens, you're dealing with younger, we might have a little different approach.
So, you put the child's name on the bag. And into the bag goes 10 things that
they like. -Yeah. And you know your child best it might be stickers, it might
be skittles. -Could be money too. Coins. Whatever they like. That's the the key
thing is it goes in there now remember their names on it. This has some power
and immediacy and it makes it very concrete "That's my stuff." And you let
them know. This is your stuff as you hold up the bag. And you get to have this on
the Wednesday which is a few days down the road. Now, we want to delay their
receipt of it because we're going to use that in the response cost. Now, here's how
it rolls. We've talked about how I don't want you fighting with your brother,
remember? -Mm-hmm. -"Well, it's not fair for me to nag
you about that. So, I've decided I'm willing to put up with it. If you'll do
your best to not fight, that'll be awesome. I'm going to give you everything
that's in this bag if between now and Wednesday you fight with your brother,
it's only going to cost you one of these. Only one." You reach in and you pull one
out, right? Just to demonstrate. "It's only gonna cost you one." Then you put that one
back in because he wants to keep all of them, right? "Now, it's okay. I know that
you're going to try hard. But if it happens, that's okay. It's only going to cost you one
of these. So, you can have as many fights as you can afford." And then you grin a
little bit. Because if you're grinning, he's thinking. -Right. -And then on
Wednesday of course, you give him everything that's left. -Right. And now,
remember you're not going to nag him the whole time during the fight. "You're
fighting with you brother. Stop you're fighting with your brother. I told you
shouldn't fight your brother." -No. -You're going to go get the bag. -The bag. -Where they
can see it. -Open it. -Don't do it behind his back. -And that one goes in your pocket. You just
earned that one. Remember that's your payment for putting up with the fight.
And so you keep smiling. If parents are smiling, kids are thinking. This is just
an example of one of the techniques that might help with that. The key here is
having a consequence that is meaningful, that's consistent, that's reasonably
immediate. And that's why I like response cost for things like that. And it's an
experiment. This isn't something you want to do long term. Set it up that way. You
can say, "Hey, let's try an experiment." -Be experimental about it. I'm just going to throw in one
last thing. Always remember that you're going to model the behavior you want. So,
you know, be careful. Kind of monitor yourself. Are you using a
fighting tone with your spouse, with your child, with the teenager. Just be aware
that you are modeling how to respond in a relationship. -And if you're struggling
with that, that's okay. It's only going to cost you one... No. I'm kidding. it's okay. Let
your kids know you're working on it too. Because that's going to make it more real
to them. You can say, "It's not okay for me to fight with your mom either." And
they'll be like, "Oh..." And they'll appreciate your efforts to improve as
well. And we hope that we can support you on that. What I said just now I hope that
we can support you with that, what I meant was we already are working to
support you on that. Vicki, you and I have teamed up to create that Parenting
Power-Up. You want to tell them what they can get there? -You're going to have more
resources on how to handle of difficult situations with your child and approach
parenting with confidence. So, check out the link that's just over on the side or
down in the comments.
I wish I had