Oh hey everybody. This week on Ask Cristen I'm talking about 'daddy issues' which is
it just me or is 'daddy issues' like such a gross sounding phrase? Grosser than yes, 'moist'.
So this week's Ask Cristen question is technically holiday-themed because tis the season for
confronting all of those family issues that are just easier to avoid the rest of the year
and it's coming from Anessa Parker who wanted to know a while back, 'As a daughter of a
trash-heap type father, I often think about how I fall into daddy issue stereotypes. As
a youngster, a friend said, "Women end up marrying their father," and I recalled how
my mom realized after she left my dad how much he reminded her of her own trash-heap
dad. I find myself attracted to men when I see them being sort of mean or doing something
else slightly trash-heap-ish. Or I find myself attracted to someone and then realize after
a short while that they share unfavorable traits with my father. Basically, my questions
are how real are daddy issues and am I doomed to end up with someone like my father or is
there a way around it?' The thing is Anessa there has been a ton of research on father-daughter
relationships and in face, Stuff Mom Never Told You the podcast has a whole episode on
so-called daddy issues and the whole daddy's girl phenomenon and looks more in depth at
a lot of the studies that my co-host Caroline and I read and there's a link for that in
the description and we also did a flip-side conversation looking at momma's boys. Getting
to Anessa's question of whether daddy issues are real what does the research say? It says
they kind of do. There are at least correlations between dysfunctional father-daughter relationships
and more dysfunctional kinds of outcomes. Studies have found that girls who have tough
relationships with their dad tend to have higher stress response levels, their brains
are a little more geared in that fight or flight kind of mode. And a lot of studies
have also found links between dysfunctional father-daughter relationships and girls' risky
behavior and that's usually code for things like teen pregnancy, early sexual activity,
drug and alcohol use and even dropping out of school. Studies have also linked daughters
with trash-heap type dads having lower self-esteem, lower self-disclosure and more self-silencing
in romantic relationships. In other words we get into these relationships but we're
not like fully ourselves, partially because we're probably wanting those people to like
give us something, we want them to compensate for something that they're never gonna really
be able to compensate for because it's like our issues and not their's but also because
we might simply be modeling what we saw our parents doing or the kind of coping mechanisms
that we developed in order to deal with their dysfunction. I think it's also important to
keep in mind that research also finds those trash-heap parents are probably modeling what
their trash-heap parents modeled for them. When it comes to being repeatedly now as an
adult or even as a teenager attracted to these trash-heap kinds of people who are very reminiscent
of your trash-heap parent, it's probably not just your parent to blame but the attachment
style that has resulted from that and specifically anxious attachment. If you are anxiously attached
to someone, you need constant validation from that person, you know that that person can't
possibly love you as much as you love them and you need them to fill a void in you. They're
never going to be able to fill it. In other words Anessa what I'm saying is that no, I
don't think that you are doomed to only date trash-heap people. But as someone who did
yes go through the phase of repeatedly going for trash-heap kinds of dudes, that's usually
a real big sign once you can recognize it and accept it and not romanticize it as like,
oh I just like bad boys, which I did, briefly. You've got to take some time and focus on
what that trash-heap behavior that you know is unhealthy is arousing in you. And I don't
necessarily mean arousing in like a sexual sense, but why you see that and you're like,
oh, oh I know how to deal with that. It's the person that you had to deal with and you
developed all your coping mechanisms around when you were young. It might feel like you're
never going to break free from that but it is possible and I think that the first big
step is recognizing the pattern and being willing and brave enough to face it. But now
friends I'm curious to know what you think about daddy issues and also momma's boys and
how gender plays into this and if you had a trash-heap parent, how that played out for
you and maybe tips that you might have for having healthier relationships in the future.
Let me know in the comments below. And thanks to everybody who watched and commented on
last week's Ask Cristen video, 'Should parents be allowed to chose their baby's sex?' Cari
Schumann for instance commented, 'I think choosing the sex might be OK if you have 3
girls and you really want a boy. Think about Mrs. Weasley who had Charlie, Bill, Percy,
Fred, George and Ron than Ginny. She kept trying until she had a girl and it would have
been a lot easier if she was able to choose. I don't know if basing our reproductive technology
on Harry Potter is a great idea, but interesting point. Gizmos Monster raised a thought-provoking
question. 'Should gender specific adoption be illegal as well? I know the big difference
is that the baby is already born, but I still chose the sex of the child I want in my home.
Your thoughts on this?' And my thoughts on that Gizmos Monster are [exploding sound].
Honestly I'm not nearly as concerned with sex-specific adoption versus sex-selective.
Does that mean I have a double standard? As always friends if you have thought-provoking
questions, you know where to leave them in the comments below so I can give you some
answers.