-How do I replace angry conflict at home with peace and calmness?
Are you ready for a more peaceful environment at home? I've been helping families through our
coaching programs for almost three decades and it really boils down to six basic principles. Let's go
over all six. Principle number one, everyone would appreciate more peace at home. -You know this one's
so tricky because it would be really easy to think well the instigator never wants any peace they're
always starting something right. -And that word gets us into trouble too. They're always starting
something. -Yes. But I think that it's really important to if you can step back far enough
and take control of the way that you're reacting. You will find out that the way that they're
bringing about the anger even though they're responding in kind of an angry way all the time
what they really wish for is that they weren't mad all the time. They weren't angry. They weren't
in a bad mood and so everyone does long for that peace. -Think of the times when you lose your cool.
Is it because you wanted to? -Usually not. -No. You want more peace. You know I was interviewing a
teenage girl recently and her mom had spent some time bringing me up to speed with all the conflict
that was going on, usually instigated by who? The teenage daughter right and I got her into a
private conversation where I'm like, "You know what do you want out of all this?", and usually kids tell
me things like, "I just wish my parents would quit controlling me", or whatever right? That's not what
she said. She said, "I just really wish we had more peace at home", and this blows mom and dad's
mind because it seems like they're trying to stir this up. -Right. -If you'll just keep in mind everyone
would prefer or desire to have more peace in the home. That gives us a better starting place to
work from. -One of the advantage of taking to heart principle one is it helps lead you into principle
two. If you can take the position that everyone wants peace. Whether you've got all the data to
support it or not but take that position then it kind of leads you into principle two and that is
that you start with the peace or the calm from top down. Meaning... -Top down. -Yeah, the parents are
going to start there and if you can look at your child who is being in your opinion unreasonable
and angry and assume that they want peace as well then you can come at it from a place where you're
going to project peace project calm and a de-escalating feeling from the very beginning.
-As we think about the second principle that it starts from the top down, notice that your mind is going
to pla try to play some tricks on you. That, "Oh, this would be so much better if my kids would just..."
-x y z -x y or z and you know what it's tempting to think that because you're right. -It would be
easier. -Things would be better if your family would shape up. But that's not useful because it
puts you in a critical mode. They're going to feel judged by you. So, bring it back to yourself. Assume
for a minute positive intent like you were saying but also assume that this behavior whatever it is
is not going to change and if it's not going to change what can you do to create a more peaceful
environment regardless of that. So, principle number three is you don't have to change a thing
and that's good news because it's really hard to change everybody else around you or to change your
circumstances. But you might want to change a think, do you know the difference? -I do...
-You don't have to change a thing you have to change a think and that's good news because your
circumstances are neutral. Then we would teach this all the time in our coaching programs.
People get really attached to their circumstances and they say, "Well, of course, I'm upset. Look what's
happening to me". -Yeah and it's really easy to gather data, gather all the evidence for what
you are thinking which kind of goes throws us back to some of the other points that
we're the principles we're talking about. If you can assume whether you're right or wrong
you don't even really know what's going on in your teenager's head right, when they're angry.
Your spouse's head when he's angry, you're not really sure. So, let's assume take your thought
they're doing the best they can or my child is being you know maybe your thought is even
my child is being angry and selfish and that's okay. That's what teenagers do, you know. So you
don't even have to change it radically but just give yourself a chance to think something that's
going to put you in a position to show up in a more calm way. Remember we're trying to take this
angry environment and turn it into more calm. -You know this came up on one of our coaching
calls just this week as a mom was describing the circumstances in her family and we came to a
little strategy I just want to share this with you as it relates to this principle. It's a question.
See, our mind is always trying to create meaning and so we come up with these stories about what
someone's behavior or what our circumstances mean. So the question is what else might this mean?
And when you ask your brain to go there you can get it sometimes off of the track of whatever
stinking thinking was causing the chaos for you in the first place and back onto some alternatives
that might create more peace for you immediately and you didn't change a thing. You changed I think.
We've got three more principles for you before we get to those would you take a moment if you
haven't yet and subscribe to this channel. Hit that notification bell as well we've got your
back when it comes to parenting. -Principle number four, breathing prepares your brain for success.
-Your brain. -Yes... -Look your brain is an organ in your body, it's got two basic jobs to keep
you safe and to prove you right and both of those get in our way all the time. -Right... -But what
we're getting to is that keep you safe part. See, your brain is built in with personal protection
that kicks you into what we call the fight or flight mode anytime you get upset. Breathing is
the best way to turn that around quickly so that you can prepare your brain to do the other thing
which is thinking. -Right, exactly. If until you take deep breaths. If you've gotten already into that
fight or flight there's actual resource that shows that the blood is not there in your thinking
brain it's down to the back. The deep breath brings it back in and now you're prepared to move on to
the next principles. I've told some of my clients you know breathing doesn't solve anything. -Yeah,
it just prepares you. -What it does is put you in position to solve anything and that's going to
be really powerful to keep the brain turned on. -So, principle five is to listen to understand and then
reflect back what you heard or what you understood. -Think about some of the recent conflicts that have
come up. Remember, we're going for more peace in our home right and and that's disrupted by conflict
usually because there's a misunderstanding or there are differences of opinion and I found that
a lot of times people don't even really understand each other when they think they disagree. -You know
something a lot though when people say, "Well, if I stop and I just listen and reflect then
they're going to think that I agree with them. That I condone their behavior or their thought
process or their plan or whatever", and this is I think it falls in a lot, it falls into our... We fall
into this trap a lot. I had a recent interaction with somebody that later I really really really
wished I would have just stopped and listened a little better and reflected back what I thought
I heard and now it's left me two months later still wondering if I really understood what he
was telling me. -And chances are you didn't. -I'm pretty sure I did not. -There are so many things
that can get in the way of communication and you know we've got other videos that talk about
some of those strategies around communication. I think at the end of the day if you can remember
that going into a communication your agenda is usually to get your point across. -Right. -If you can
shift that just slightly so that your agenda now your purpose is to understand that other person
and forget about being understood for a minute. Yes, that's typically what we
want but if you can change your motivation to simply understand
it's going to change the level of conflict in your home immediately. I promise, go try
it. Now, after you have listened to understand pause before you jump in with your agenda
pause and reflect that understanding back. If you and most people don't take this step. -And I think
it's it really you need to practice it, I'm not good at this part. This part's still hard for me,
it's a practice. -It's unnatural. -Yeah. -A little bit because usually we just jump into well I think
this or that. -Okay, I get it but... -Yeah and does it really do you really feel understood if somebody
says I get it but or I see your point but. Take a moment to reflect the understanding. Okay, so
what you're saying is and you give it back to them in a way that they will recognize it. -And then and
you know what then there's another pause let them respond to find out if you got it or not. -Right. -You
might not have. -You know our little grandson who doesn't even speak yet very much he's got a few
words but we get to play 20 questions with him and he lets us know if we've understood him. -Yeah. -Do
you remember we were sitting around the table and asking, "So, do you want more pizza?", shaking his head.
"Do you want to go do this?", no, she said. "You want to take a shower?", yeah. -And he just yeah. He lets you
know you finally understood what I was talking about. -When that understanding connects is such
a great experience even for little people. So, take an extra effort to listen and understand. It really
if somebody's feeling understood it goes a long ways to diffuse anger a long ways. -Okay, Vicky
I get to say principle six okay, because this is my wheelhouse. This is what I do the best, keep a
positive perspective. You know you hear this all the time how important positivity is and for me
it gets way past the trite fluffy just think positive that you hear from motivational speakers
or whatever. This is how to operate the equipment of your own mind. You don't always get to choose
what your circumstances are. But check it out, you always get to choose what your perspective
is about your circumstances. -You know, I'll say I've come to this one a lot as a mom. You
know I've come through parenting for teenagers and although I don't think any of them were
really really angry or brought a lot of anger into the house there were definitely times when there
was anger going on and one of the things that I noticed for myself in this keep it positive
is it was really easy for me to use my imagination to think that this angry kid is going to do
this and this and he's going to be ostracized and he's never going to get a really good job and I
would imagine a really miserable future and that does not put us in a positive position and when
I would recognize that none of the circumstances changed but I was able to just change my position.
You know really that positive perspective is more of a positioning. Am I positioning towards
negativity or you know imagining a horrible future? Am I positioning myself towards a positive that
we're going to come through this and great things are still in store for us. You know and that made
a huge difference for me as a mom of teenagers. -Well, notice the first difference that it makes
is in your own heart and mind, it's how you feel. But that's important because that determines
how you show up and if you're all nervous and predicting all kinds of negative things that are
going to happen for your teenager for example then how are you going to show up with them?
Versus what if your position I love that you picked that word because that's
synonymous with attitude or perspective. If your position is you're good you've got this
then you're going to approach them very well. -It's got to be in reality but so I think sometimes
the whole position is this is kind of rough now but we're going to get through
this and great things are ahead. -Right. -You know because sometimes it doesn't feel like
it's all good right now. -You know most teenagers turn out to be pretty awesome adults. -Yeah. -Most
do. So, why pick a perspective that as you all worry that something else is going to happen?
I know it's a lot, there's a lot going on with parenting but we've got you. You've got this
and we've got you. Go to the parenting power up video series right here on the channel.
We're covering all of the topics there to help you with the most important job in the world.