- Although America's the greatest nation in the world,
we still face many modern problems.
So what am I suggesting?
Fake Canadian ID cards
for all Americans. (laughing)
(funky music)
(party music)
(laughing)
(party music)
(breaks screeching)
The fuck are you doing?
(laughing)
You gotta get out of my car.
I'm serious!
(laughing)
(car revs)
(party music)
That crazy dancing making my penis soft.
(laughter)
(party music)
(upbeat dancing music)
That is what I call dancin'.
You should've seen the girl that was sittin'
in there before you, woo!
Oh, snap!
There she go right there.
(engine revving)
- Ugh!
(laughing)
Ah, I'm gettin' real crazy girl, hold on.
(laughing)
- Woo!
(audience applauds)
- Not HBO.
(lighthearted music)
It's just regular ass TV.
(laughing)
(audience applauds)
- [Narrator] Dave Chappelle's Educated Guess Line.
(laughing)
Dave Chappelle is not a psychic.
He is merely a racist who believes
that stereotypes dictate our futures.
- [Woman] My boyfriend says my butt's too big.
Why would he say that?
My old boyfriend liked it just fine.
- Okay, have you gained weight?
- [Woman] No.
- Okay, so your current boyfriend is white.
- [Woman] Oh my gosh, yes!
- Yeah, and your old boyfriend's black ain't he?
- [Woman] Oh my god, how did you know that?
- 'Cause a brother can't get enough of that ass.
(laughing)
Hold up, I'm seeing something.
It's your parents.
- [Woman] Oh god.
- They're angry, real angry.
They kicked you out for dating a black dude didn't they?
- [Woman] Oh my god, there's no way
you could've known that unless you knew me.
- Or if I dated four white girls myself.
Thanks for playin'. (laughing)
(dial tone rings)
- [Narrator] Dave Chappelle's insights will astound you.
- [Miguel] Bueno, is this Dave Chappelle?
- All right, I'm hearin' an accent.
You from south of the border?
- [Miguel] You amaze me, man.
- Hold on that, is your name Miguel?
- [Miguel] It is!
- Bam!
All right all right, go ahead though.
- [Miguel] So today, I was driving on the freeway.
- Stop drivin'.
You drive a pickup truck don't you Miguel?
- [Miguel] Yes, I do.
- Mhmm, and you don't have insurance do you?
- [Miguel] No, I don't.
- Bam!
- [Narrator] Sometimes Dave will talk
with a phony bologna Jamaican accent.
- The cards don't lie.
(laughing) Lord have mercy.
(laughing) (harp playing)
Hello!
- [Woman] Collect call from a correctional facility.
Will you accept the charges?
- Yes I will.
- [Woman] Go ahead sir.
- All right, before you even say anything,
you black ain't you?
- [Man] Yo, this nigga is off the hook!
- Wait a minute, I see something.
- [Man] What?
- You gettin' out of jail!
- [Man] Say words, son!
- You walkin' out
you are free as a bird! - [Man] Say words, son!
- Hold up, I'm seeing something.
It's six weeks later.
You're going right back into jail
(laughing) for the same shit.
- [Man] What kind of-- (dial tone rings)
- [Narrator] Call this number now
and let Dave or one of his educated guessers
tell you your future.
It's only 99 cents for the first minute,
2.50 each additional minute.
You can't afford not to have
your future read based on stereotypes.
- Call me now for a bumbaclot reading.
(laughing and cheering) (gibberish)
- I'm a comedian, I travel a lot,
and needless to say I get horny out there.
I'm a chronic masturbater.
I tried waggin' off with my PC,
but I felt like it was too much
clickety clack, clickety clack.
With my Mac, I mean the video resolution
is so clear I can see parts of the vagina
that I didn't even know existed,
labias and flabias and flip flaps.
Man, I'm a chronic masturbater.
I don't know what they make the keys out of,
but whatever it is it's non-stick.
And then with iTunes I can actually listen
to some of my favorite music while I'm masturbating.
Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' mess with.
I'm Dave Chappelle and I love internet porn.
- Secret 1986 document from a major tobacco company
contains the following passage,
"Cigarette smoking can result in feelings of euphoria,
"increased alertness, rises in short term memory,
"and can have a calming effect on nerves."
(laughing)
- And you know, they're not bad after unprotected sex
with multiple partners either.
(laughing)
Hey Scooter, you tryin' to get some of this?
Come on dog, look how cool we are.
(laughing)
I was talkin' about the cigarettes, but come on in.
(laughing)
- Hey what's the matter?
- Pam, do you have anything sanitary?
I'm all out and my flow is heavy.
- Do I?
Girl, I got something that'll keep your flow
mother fuckin' tizz-ight.
(laughing)
- [Girl] Mother freakin' tizz-ight?
- What's up ladies?
My name Damon Dash, CEO of Roc-A-Fella Records.
Now Roc-A-Fella's about to get
all up in that ass with Roca Pads.
Roca Pad is 30% more absorbent than the leading brands.
(laughing)
So if your period is droppin' then we catch it, ya mean?
It's the Roc, holla!
(laughing)
- You feelin' fresh now?
- For shizzle my bizzle.
(laughing)
- What are you doing?
- What, nothing.
- So if your bum is leakin' you need to be seekin' Roca Pad.
It's the Roc.
- [Friend] Let me get my cheddar burger, man.
- [Dave] Hold your horses man, we're all hungry.
- [Friend] Are your horses here though?
Then let me hold them for you, man.
(laughing)
Let me get my cheddar burger, man.
We've been here a long time.
(coughing) You all right?
(laughing)
No cheddar for you man.
(tires screeching)
Gimme a cheddar burger, man.
- Man, chill out with that cheddar burger.
- Yeah, chill out. - Cheddar.
- You it was in your hand the whole time, stupid.
- [Dave] You gotta eat that burger, dude.
(laughing)
(beep)
- [Narrator] Marijuana reduces reaction time by 30%.
Turns out, it's not so harmless after all.
- I killed her, yo!
Come on man, we gotta chop her body up
and stuff it down the drain.
- Let's go, let's the (beep) outta here!
- I can't man, there's people back there!
(beep)
(screaming) (laughing)
(beep) Come on! - Let's go, let's go.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] If you're a girl under the age of 12
and you're high on marijuana don't ride your bike.
- Good to see you!
- Hey, what night is it guys?
- [All] Dude's Night!
(screaming and cheering)
Dudes, dudes, dudes!
(mumbling)
- Oh. (laughing)
Yo, excuse me, what are you talkin'--
- Hey man, what do you mean?
Don't worry about it.
I bought that bitch a drink.
I don't play that game at a bar.
Hey, look at me!
(rock music)
- What, you think this is a game, biatch?
This is dude's night out!
(screaming)
- Mother (beep)!
(screaming and punching)
- [Narrator] Dude's night out!
- The only reason I'm cryin' is 'cause of the adrenaline.
(crying)
- Aw, no man! (screaming)
- [Narrator] Dude's night out!
(laughing)
(rock music)
Dude's night out!
- Hey, hey there lady.
Y'all wanna party with us?
Oh! (laughing)
Oh, nigga that's a dude!
- Shut the (beep) up, man.
I am drunk and I am horny.
- [Prostitute] Hey, baby.
- Ha, you're jealous, Dave!
(laughing) - [Dave] No!
Don't do it! - Holler at ya boy!
- [Dave] No! - [Narrator] Dude's night out!
(laughing)
- Let's go.
(laughing)
- Yo, mouth to mouth man.
(rock music) - [Dave] What?
- I'm out.
- Billy, what are you doin'?
Billy.
Billy, stop!
(rock music) - [Steve] I'm just gonna
be with him. (laughing)
- Hey, Steve, hey!
You guys!
- [Steve] Yo, Tanya, Tony, whatever it is.
(laughing)
- [Narrator] When it's dude's night out
it's got to be Schlipp's.
(laughing and cheering)
(patriotic music)
- All though America's the greatest nation in the world,
we still face many modern problems.
And modern problems require modern solutions.
Healthcare is in shambles, Medicaid doesn't work,
and the insurance industry has made
medicine virtually unaffordable.
Meanwhile, our neighbors in Canada have free healthcare
for all their citizens, so what am I suggesting?
Fake Canadian ID cards for all Americans.
(laughing)
When you get sick run on up to Canada
and get yourself checked out.
(laughing)
Teen pregnancy's a huge problem in this country,
and what we need are more programs in place
that promote abstinence.
My solution, have every high school principle
have sex with the oldest teacher in the school
in front of the students.
And make sure you rub them both with mayonnaise
to accentuate the sounds of their
old flesh flapping together.
This powerful image is sure to be a deterrent
that the children will never forget.
(laughing)
I'm Dave Chappelle, and I want to represent you.
♪ Chappelle Show ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Woohoo hoo! ♪
♪ Woohoo! ♪
♪ Yeah, you're gone ♪
(blues music)
♪ Let's start the show ♪
(harmonica playing)