-Whenever Donald Trump holds a press conference,
his rambling, nonsensical answers
raise more questions than the answers,
so we decided to hold another one right here, right now.
That's right. Donald Trump and the "Late Night" press corps
are here in our studio and ready to go.
So without further ado, it's time for the "Late Night"
White House press conference.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Mr. President. Mr. President. Yes.
Mr. President, yes, over here. Thank you.
Seth Meyers, "Late Night with Seth Meyers."
President Trump, you've been president for two years now.
How's the country doing?
-A dangerous, horrible disaster.
-And years from now when we look back,
how will people describe the 2016 election?
-An incredibly, I will say, wrong decision.
-Tell me something that you just learned today.
-This magnificent structure right behind you,
it's called the White House.
[ Laughter ]
-I have a question about your proposed border wall.
First, it was made out of concrete.
Then it was steel slats. And now it's, uh, what?
-The wall is peanuts.
-Where do your hands go when you talk?
-Up and down, left and right. East and west.
-What would you say
if the Russian Army invaded our country?
-Welcome to the United States.
[ Laughter ]
-I heard you really enjoyed the holidays. Why was that?
-I was here, my family was in Florida.
-What is your message to the meth cooks
that sneak all of their drugs across the border?
-Make your product in the United States.
[ Laughter ]
-Do you like to watch pornography on your phone,
and if so, do you do it a lot?
-That's the way I view it.
I've probably done more
in the first two years than any president,
any administration in the history of our country.
[ Laughter ]
-I know.
I know. We all know you to be a voracious reader.
What's the first line of Dickens' classic novel
"A Tale of Two Cities"?
-It's a good deal. It was a horrible deal.
[ Laughter ]
-I know you love being a dad. How many children do you have?
-Nine or six or three or two. Doesn't matter.
[ Laughter ]
-All right. You're going to call a girl on the phone.
What's your best pickup line?
-Hi. It's President Trump. What's going on?
[ Laughter ]
-Dude, what -- what is wrong with you?
-I could give you a list. It's pages long.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What do you think people would say to you
if they saw you walk out to the end of a pier?
-I think they'd say, "Mr. President, keep going."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Now that he's gone, what do you really think
of your former chief of staff, John Kelly?
-Dick.
-What scores -- What scores have your three wives given you
in the bedroom out of a possible 10?
-1.6, 2.1, 2.5.
-All right.
[ Laughter ]
You're getting better.
What do you call your two adult sons?
-Drips and Drabs.
-[ Laughs ] Be honest with us.
How long have you gone without eating a vegetable?
-For years. 19 years.
-How much do you pay for your makeup?
-$2 a gallon.
[ Laughter ]
-Mr. President, I know you're happily married now,
but you were known for being
quite the romantic back in the day.
Walk me through what a perfect first date
would be like with Donald Trump.
-So, what happens is some are paid up front.
You make a deal up front.
And we're willing to do that in all cases.
And when they're unwilling to make a deal,
which also happens, then you go to court.
[ Laughter ]
-You love rock 'n' roll. Name the members of the Beatles.
-Chuck and Nancy and, uh, Stenny and Dick.
-Complete this famous lyric.
♪ It's fun to stay at the... ♪
-The USMCA.
[ Laughter ]
-What does Melania say when you offer her your hand?
-I'm not holding that.
-Mr. President, Russian colluder says what?
-What? -Ha-ha, ha-ha!
[ Cheers and applause ]
We're, uh...
We're almost out of time,
so I'd like to finish with a question I always ask.
Mr. President, how's your penis?
-One of the great disasters of all time.
-How's your penis? -There's no inflation.
-Your penis? -The worst thing in the world.
-And that's all the time we have.
So on behalf of the rest of the "Late Night" press corps, have a good night.