- I would roast you but my mom said
I'm not supposed to burn trash.
Oh, that's a good one.
All right, the time has come for you to roast me.
So type your most creative,
dare I say meanest roasts right here in this box
and I'm gonna pick a winner to get a $1000 donated
to a charity of their choice.
I hope people keep it PG though,
just for the sake of demonetization at least,
and my feelings.
Your nose looks like the beak of a bald eagle.
(laughter)
My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
What, my previous, previous relationship
was like two years.
You honestly look like the human version
of lactose intolerance.
(laughter)
Your feelings of inadequacy stem from the fact
that you are Russian and your dad never loved you
and you'll never,
that's it, they ran out of characters, thank god.
You were anymore inbred, you'd be a sandwich.
(laughs)
Dr. Mike's picture profile makes it seems like
he just killed a human.
(snicker)
Your eyebrows could make the bushes outside feel jealous.
What, I don't even have bushy eye,
like pick something real!
Actually, I'm a little self-conscious that my eyebrows
aren't thick enough.
Why are you laughing Dan?
Oh, I like this one.
Your shirts are so tight
that they could give you chest compressions.
(laughs)
Mike seems like the type of guy to tell you
he does crossfit.
No, I'm not a fan.
Not that I don't recommend you do it,
I just don't like doing simultaneously different exercises,
especially ones that you need good form for.
Oh, I'm taking a poll on what's gonna go first,
your 15 minutes of IG fame
or that hairline. (laughs)
You look like you were very insecure as a kid.
That's not a burn but it's quite accurate. (chuckle)
Let me get something straight,
but it can't be your nose. (chuckle)
Do you even speak Russian bro?
(speaks Russian)
(horn blowing)
Is the ship roasting me?
I love what you have done with your hair.
How'd you get it to come so far out of your nostrils?
(laughs)
You look like the type of guy to wash his hands
after taking a shower.
That's a weird one!
I like it.
You look like the type of guy to wash his hands
after the shower.
First of all I'm not that type of guy.
But it makes sense.
I don't even know why it makes sense.
I like it.
Dr. Mike's shirt buttons are so unwilling to pop off
we should call them UK.
Is that because of like,
Brexit?
Someone said you're dentist. (laughs)
You use boy emojis.
I do, that's probably accurate.
Your forehead is so big, it's a five-head now.
I'm sorry, you made me do it, Brooke. (laughs)
I got high-five the fore, the five-head.
Has a medical degree, forgets Molly Burke is blind mid-video
(laughs) is a high-five.
Oh my god, that was the most embarrassing moments
probably on camera and I feel bad,
Molly, I'm sorry I did that.
I would roast you
but my mom said I'm not supposed to burn trash.
Oh, that's a good one.
Your videos are just as bad at entertaining
as essential oils are at curing diseases. (claps)
Yes, that's what I was waiting for.
It's time to get extra sized shirts,
muscles don't attract women or men anymore, we want deek.
D E E K, I don't know what deek means.
Dr. Mike the type of guy to get his condom tailored
before using it. (laughs)
When Dr. Mike flexes his arms,
they look like SpongeBob's arms.
Does SpongeBob have diesel arms or no?
Aw come on!
I like you.
People say I have no taste, but I like you.
See that's funny
but that's from somewhere.
Oh, someone said I suck at Apex!
Yeah?
Yeah, play me!
RealDoctorMike, that's my username, season three,
I got already like 10 wins under my belt.
The only who genuinely loves you for more than your looks
or credentials is your dog Roxy.
Oh, that's a burn on my exes.
The only chest workout Dr. Mike does
is when someone is dying,
chest compressions. (laughs)
What, are you kidding me?
It's always chest day on Monday, woo!
Were you born on a highway
'cause that's where most accidents happen.
I don't think you're factually accurate
and I can't believe I'm critiquing this
but I think most accidents happen
within one mile of your home and not on highways.
Burn on you, ma'am.
I'm not saying that I hate you
but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
(inhales through teeth) Burn.
But then you have any more mean reviews.
Not gonna lie, you could sell advertising space
on your forehead by the mile.
Ooh, ooh, laying down those highway jokes on me.
You look like Danny Devito if he worked at GNC.
Maybe you should slip into something more comfortable
than your scrubs, like a coma?
Ooh, this one hurts.
You look like the kind of person who reminded the teacher
to assign homework. (laughs)
I hated that person.
Your so needy for needy for attention
and validation, like we get it,
you have a small stethoscope.
Might be time to stop buying shirts in children's sizes.
No!
Children sizes.
You only hate medical dramas for romance
because you're lonely.
See if you spelled you're right,
I would say you were one of the top ones,
but no grammar, no love.
I get lonely.
Where are your eyebrows at the beginning?
Look like a decapitated caterpillar, oh!
Why did my wife leave me? (chuckles)
Someone just randomly asked me that.
You look like you wear socks with sweaty pizza on it.
What the?
But like, where did you get a bicycle seat-looking
jawline, like who?
You look like you sold out the salon of pomade.
I don't use pomade bro.
Do you see any shine?
I need this pillow, to comfort me while I read these.
They say you can't be smart and handsome,
turns out they were right.
You told us that exercise will add years to our life.
You're right, I feel older already.
You're not roasting me!
You gotta roast me, not the exercise.
Mishka's, that's my name in Russian,
Mishka's septum is so crooked,
it could be a politician in Chicago. (laughs)
That's a double burn,
burning me and the politicians in Chicago.
If your family were Star Wars figures,
you'd be the special edition. (chuckles)
That's just mean.
Your hairline is so deep,
people can see what you're thinking, #Dr.Mike.
What, look at that hairline.
You look look like you up your modeling career
and decide to play doctor instead. (laughs)
I love your videos and you
but you are a walking flu shot.
I'm a young Canadian,
I can't be mean.
Your face looks like a pentagon
if a pentagon had a smile on it.
You're just a doctor for the prostate exams. (laughs)
Can you imagine?
I wonder who's smarter,
a guy who always says chest compressions
or a blender?
Dr. Mike, I've never smoked.
Dr. Mike's laugh, smoked for 164 years
and vaped the last three.
Don't make fun of my wheeze. (wheezes)
You talk like a grown toddler.
For real?
Dr. Mike can't compete with James Charles
when it comes to pole dancing.
This is quite true.
Dr. Mike, you are like a piece of salmon sashimi.
Beautiful, oily, and smelly if left out in the sun.
What?
You have the personality of a regurgitated cookies
and cream milkshake.
Dude, I think that would still be delicious though,
like a little gross,
but still at its heart and soul you know it's good.
You have the personality of a dried asparagus.
Why does your hair look like an old ass toothbrush. (laughs)
I don't why I find that so funny?
I know you're a doctor,
but chest compressions won't save that hairline.
Oh that's so bad.
Aw they're coming in.
Dude you look like you smell like beef tips.
What's a beef tip?
I'm gonna do a poll.
I had like eight favorites so far.
But narrowing it down to five was hard.
And there's only 65 characters in here,
so I have to shorten them.
All right, so it's 8:37 p.m.
and I'm gonna have everyone vote on it for 23 minutes.
(clock ticking)
All right you guys have spoken.
You've spoken quite loudly.
You look like the type of guy
to wash his hands after a shower
has won by a significant margin, 59%.
And it looks like the person who said that shower joke
his name is jerryisgood00712.
Let's shoot a message, a DM to Jerry.
Oh my god!
He's messaged me a whole bunch!
Hello there Jerry.
I'm gonna pull an angry cat face.
I'm gonna guess he responds quickly.
I don't know, I just think he's gonna respond quickly.
If he doesn't, this is gonna ruin the whole joke.
(clock ticking)
I guess I didn't take this into consideration,
that Jerry might not be by his phone.
Where art thou?
Come one Jerry, where you at?
Oh he's from Luxembourg.
That's a fancy country.
(clock ticking)
So our good friend Jeremiah,
his name's not Jeremiah, it's Jerry,
but he's in Luxembourg and I just looked up the time.
It's 2 a.m. over there and I guarantee you,
he's not following my advice,
probably playing in his phone before bedtime,
wrote the meanest, yet wittiest comment towards me,
now he's not answering my DMs,
so I figure we shut down production for tonight
and wait for him to answer tomorrow,
and maybe I even FaceTime him.
(clock ticking)
All right, it's officially a day later,
and we've managed to find Jerry back on the 'Gram.
He just wrote, I live in Florida mate.
Oh that's dope (chuckle)
want some, whoops,
want some good news?
Come on Jerry,
we didn't really think this one through.
Can I video chat you, oh wait.
How old are you?
Wait though, this is gonna come of real weird,
I can't do that.
You won the contest for best roast.
See if he's even excited for this.
I feel like he's answering me like I'm a creeper.
I'm not a creeper Jerry!
He goes, I feel like you've been hacked.
I'm not hacked.
Are you down to be in the YouTube video?
It feels like I'm tricking him, but I'm not tricking him.
All I want to ask him on camera
is what charity does he want me to donate the 1000 bucks to.
Come on Jerry.
He saw it, come on type something.
By the way, TeamTrees, what up!
I heard Elon Musk is about to give a milli to the cause.
That's exciting.
Bear, do you want to be on TeamTrees? (kiss smack)
Okay, Jerry's typing.
I'm sorry I'm not down to do that,
I just don't feel comfortable.
Okay, okay, I can respect that.
Either way, you win.
What charity would you like for me to donate the 1K to?
Never seen anyone get so spooked
by a doctor reaching out to them
and asking where they want to donate money to.
(laughing) I mean, like a stalker or something.
Would the American Red Cross by okay?
Yeah, considering we just collabed with them,
literally a few days ago.
Donate now, $1000.
Jerry Thatcher.
Yeah, it worked.
I don't want to do Thinking of You,
that's weird.
I'm gonna do Congratulations.
Maybe by getting this email from the Red Cross,
he's gonna buy that I gave a $1000 donation. (hiccup)
He goes, oh my god that's so cool.
I'm so glad that I got to chat to you over text.
Thanks so much.
Thanks Jerry, we appreciate your diss.
TeamTrees challenge is going amazingly well.
I'm reping the gear.
If you wanna see my TeamTrees video,
which is a meme video, click here.
Or if you wanna see what a day in my life is like click here
and I'll see you one of these videos,
staying happy and healthy (scatting)
(mellow music)