-A grandmother in Georgia was attacked
by a bobcat with rabies recently,
and she strangled it to death with her bare hands,
which brings us to a segment we call
"The Kind of Story We Need Right Now."
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
This is DeDe Phillips.
She is a grandmother.
And she was standing in her driveway recently
when a bobcat with rabies leapt at her,
and she strangled it with her bare hands.
This is the kind of story we need right now.
Seems like every news story these days is about
treason and betrayal and helplessness,
which is why we need a good old-fashioned story
about kicking ass.
I'm gonna tell you that story right now.
This woman was standing in her driveway
when she spotted a mangy bobcat,
and she knew right away that it was trouble.
Seconds later, it leapt at her face,
so she grabbed it by the shoulders and "...took it down."
This grandma... [ Cheers and applause ]
This grandma right here
caught a bobcat in midair.
That's insane.
My grandma can't even catch the bus.
This is the kind of story we need right now.
Every day, every news organization is like,
"Blah, blah, blah.
We're all gonna die."
And this woman's like, "I'm not."
By the way, just in case you're picturing a regular house cat,
that's not what we're talking about here.
This is a cat named Bob.
This is a bobcat.
Phillips told police that, during the attack,
her 5-year-old granddaughter was inside the house, sleeping,
so Phillips didn't make any noise,
because she didn't want to wake her.
Look, I know grandmas are supposed to be nice,
but that is some next-level [bleep]
"My grandma made me cookies."
"My grandma wrestled a bobcat to death
in silence so I could nap."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Imagine. Just imagine, if you can, for a second,
what was going through that bobcat's head
while this was happening?
"Not only is this old lady killing me,
she's not making a sound."
The scariest thing I can imagine in the world
is a quiet grandma strangling you to death.
"Grandma, why?
Why, Grandma? Just tell me why."
Now, you're probably wondering what this woman was doing
out in her driveway in the first place.
Well, it's simple.
She was -- and I'm not making this up --
putting a bumper sticker on her truck that said...
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's real. That's real.
First of all, of course, she has a truck.
This story's [bleep] great.
Second of all, I think this proves once and for all
that bobcats can't read, because if you were a bobcat
and you saw that, you'd think,
"I'm gonna find a different grandma."
After the incident was over, Phillips was taken
to the hospital, where she was treated
for several broken fingers.
She didn't make any noise
while breaking several of her fingers.
This grandma -- this grandma right here --
went face-to-face with death and came out a winner,
and that made me feel like a winner.
So, to DeDe Phillips, I say, "Thank you."
And to the rest of you, I say,
please get out there and do some kick-ass stuff
to distract us from all the terrible stuff.
This has been "The Kind of Story We Need Right Now."
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]