See all the alien movie reviews on cinemassacre comm part of Monster Madness Halloween Marathon
31 Horror movie reviews all month Long
It's the Halloween season again
And I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another asinine game
Alien 3 on NES based on the movie the first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space
The second movie, Aliens, brought the action Genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal it made a huge impact on not
only film but video games
the concept of shooting down hostile aliens and fighting for survival was perfect for video game adaptations.
It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies art style and their feelings of
solitude, confinement, and claustrophobia can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off?
The first two Alien movies were
Masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel the unholy three that had mixed reactions some people like it some people
don't it's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either.
But you know I'm not going to get all into it right now [monster badness]
So let's take a look at the game, is this good enough for Halloween?
I mean Alien 3 is a horror movie, is this scary enough?
Okay, now it just got fucking scary
If you play this the first problem, you'll notice is that the buttons are switched around B
Makes Ripley jump and A makes her fire the gun, that's not the way
It's supposed to be ever play Mario Megaman, any real game. This is shoot
This is jump everybody knows that just like Nintendo taught us the letter B
Comes before A they'll know B's before A except when they mess with their minds make A before B. Who would put A before B?
You can never predict when the aliens are gonna pop out it requires split second reaction time
It's one of those games where you have only two speeds: stand still and fast as ass.
Classic two gear diarrhea where the screen is always trying to catch up you have all this room over here
Why could they keep Ripley in the center?
So the whole game you're running headlong into that unforeseeable void on the edge of your TV screen
It's like sticking your dick in a glory hole without knowing what's on the other side.
Did that analogy make any sense?
Whatever. I just compared a glory hole to an nes game
And you can't shoot the aliens until they're on the screen, yep if it's outta sight it doesn't exist
You could just keep firing your gun non-stop
That'll solve the problem, temporarily, but as soon as you run out of ammo. You're far past fucked
Yeah, you can run out of ammo. That sure sucks, but hey you know how much ammo was in the movie?
none
Wow, they followed the movie pretty well.
Remember Ripley was on a prison planet where there were no guns to fight the Alien, and that's right. I said Alien
There's only one this game has as much to do with the movie as the space Hunter Nebula M has to do with Lake
Titicaca if they wanted to make an alien game why couldn't they take as much influence from the movie as all the non
Alien Nes games did?
Now look I know that if the game had only one Alien and no weapons you'd be bored pretty quickly and begging for a deck
Of cards. might I say that maybe this was perhaps
Not the best alien movie to make a video game out of? the first two movies never had an nes game
Why didn't they make those? well
I don't know why they didn't make Alien or Aliens
but I do know why they made alien 3 and that was because it was new the game was nothing more than an
Advertisement for the movie and how shameless is that to do something to promote something else?
[monster badness] it served its purpose back then but has no significance today.
it's like a time capsule of
1992,
One that should have been left floating out in the void of 8-bit space where hopefully land on a prison planet of other bad games
but no
I had to find the capsule and open it up. like thawing a frozen dog turd. want to play a better alien game that still holds up
Alien Trilogy on Playstation
Are these face huggers?
It looks so funky the face huggers in Super Contra looked more like the ones from the movie and that wasn't even an Alien game
Here they look like I don't know thing from Addams family dragging a dildo
Just another addition in this game's museum of anomalies Ripley's believe it or go fuck yourself
The goal is to rescue all the prisoners and then head to the end of the stage
Okay, I think I got everybody I'm going to the end almost there here we go. oh
Fuck that's the barricade meeting. I didn't get all the prisoners gotta go back.
What? a time limit? yeah, there's a time limit, and it's just barely enough
So you have to be very familiar with the layout of the stage. There's dead ends everywhere just to waste your time
Wouldn't it be nice if there are some arrows showing you the way or just a simple map screen?
This game does not hold your hand. instead it reaches down grabs your dick and jerks you around!
I promise that's my last dick joke. When you pause the game the music doesn't stop.
That really ties my dick in a knot.
Okay, now I promise no more dicking around.
One thing I have to admit the music is pretty good.
But doesn't make up for all the shitty rules. Why can't you jump off a ladder?
Ah What happened? I thought these were stairs. No. They're just blue balls. Huh? What was I thinking?
stairs, huh
they'll beat you around like pinball flippers. I thought I was playing Alien, not Ripley pinball!
Then there's all the items you can't get, what's the deal? It's too high to jump and there's nothing above it
You can descend from. the game put that there as a tease yeah, you want that. Yeah, you want that you want that
Yeah, yeah, fuck you you're not getting it. You can't go in the doors either. It's just part of the graphics.
There's no reason to have a door there
if you can't go in.
The background did not need a door if that door wasn't there would you be confused would you be wondering?
Oh gee where am I is this supposed to be a jungle or something? no this couldn't have been an artistic decision.
They put it there to piss you off.
Doesn't it bother you not knowing what's on the other side of that door. I know what it's this game's mom, bent over getting fucked
Alright, I got all the prisoners. oh wait
Did I get the guy over by the third ladder between the blue platforms? I don't know this game's like a memory test.
You need a notepad handy. Oh shit there does the time limit again.
Game over, three lives no continues?
if you make it to the second stage
It looks just like the first, don't expect much variety if you make it all the way to the end of the game
this is what you get.
As Ripley Leaves fury 161
She turns back one last time.
Did they see the movie?
She never leaves the planet she drops herself into the fire and dies as the last alien hatches out of her chest.
It's the thing anybody would remember best from the movie.
Then the credits start
quality ass?
Quality ass! that sums up the whole thing!
There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt!
It's a shame that there was never a good alien game on NES
Oh, wait, actually I take it back, there were some good alien games on NES.
They're called Contra and Metroid. Yeah, you know it's not the worst LJN game
I have to say. nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable as much as the movie is watchable, huh?
Maybe that's what they are going for? In that sense
they got it right! It may not be a pile of goat puke smothered in buffalo diarrhea
It's just a pile of goat puke, hold the buffalo diarrhea.
I don't even know if buffalos get diarrhea, but it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there
And I just can't take it. I can't fucking take it anymore
[grunting then screaming]