-We're here today to help you with how to be a better parent. Three things you can do right now.
Hi, we're Paul and Vicki Jenkins we've got three surprisingly simple steps that you can take
right now to become a better parent. The first one might surprise you and then we've got two really
practical steps to follow. -Recognize that you are already doing a good job as a parent. -In fact, I had
a little resistance to titling this video the way that we did because we're not really here
to help you be a better parent. I think we want you to be a more confident parent.
You're already doing a good job. Actually, you know what? Let's just spend a moment on that.
Listen to me, listen to Vicki, we are experienced parents. I'm also
a child and family psychologist. Vicki has worked with parents hundreds and hundreds of children.
So, listen to us, you are a good parent. -You know the fact that you're asking the question you're
trying to figure out how to be a better parent tells us a lot about you. You care, you want to
show up in a way that is intentional for your child and help them become the best
whoever and whatever they're going to be. -In some of our coaching programs we teach
that our circumstances are neutral and then we have thoughts, our thoughts are not neutral.
Our thoughts affect how we feel and then how we feel affects how we show up. So, test
that for just a minute. When you're thinking, "Oh, I'm a terrible parent", how does that feel?
And when you're feeling that way how do you show up for your kids? -Right. -We're making it worse,
right? Now, go back to where we started you're a good parent. As a PhD psychologist, I'm telling you
the fact that you're here everything that I already know about you tells me you're a good
parent. Could you be better? Well, when is that going to stop being true. -Right. -Right? So, I'm not denying
that you could make improvements that's probably the case. But just settle in on that, I'm a good parent.
How does that feel and from that feeling how are you going to show up for your kids?
This is an important responsibility for you to start thinking more kindly about yourself. It puts you
in a better position to serve your kids. -Take some time to learn the basics about moral development
and control. You know, we don't get a lot of formal training to be a parent. We kind of watch what
other people have done. We hear little things. We decide that we're going to do things different.
So, it's really important to understand some of the very basics about moral development and control
and we've made that easy for you. -The model that Vicki's referring to that we put together for you.
You can get a pdf copy. In fact, download this right now go to drpauljenkins.com/stages
and we'll put this right in your inbox so that you'll have a visual reminder of what we're
talking about here. Basically, the interplay between control and maturity. When our kids are born
how much control do they have over their own? -They have very little control because they just haven't
developed enough. They haven't got maturity yet, right? -Which is really obvious when we're talking
about babies. Well, as they grow and get older they typically take more control over their life.
Parents are in a dilemma here because when we start out with our little kids we're controlling
absolutely every aspect of their life. -Pretty much. -Right, they can't even turn themselves
over when they're first starting out and so we get into this mode of controlling our kids.
Well, as they get older that starts to tick them off a little bit because they want
to control their life and we should back off as parents as they become more mature. -But if you
go to the model that we've offered you go look at that because it's all about stage not age
and so as the child grows and moves from one stage to the next stage in maturity and sometimes goes
back again and we go back and forth that has to do with how much control they can have or get
to take over in their life the responsibility they're given. -Now, this understanding is key.
In fact, this is the core curriculum that we teach in all of our parent training courses, all of
our coaching programs. You have to understand the interplay between control and maturity
because then that's going to determine what you need to do next as a parent. One of the reasons
it's so important to understand that interplay between maturity and control is because when you
understand the way that they are responding puts them in a particular stage it directly affects
how we show up with our consequences, communication, and consultation, which is our third step. -Those are
your three C words just jot those down somewhere. When our kids are on stage one we have to use.
-Consequences. -It's the only thing that works when a kid is on stage one. That's their level of maturity.
There's a special kind of consequences too because you don't get any cooperation at stage one.
You have to pick consequences that don't require cooperation. -And cooperation still
bleeds into stage two but you have a lot more communication because they're cooperating.
-So, the communication, this is when we engage them in the conversation. They're willing to communicate.
They're not giving us defiance and opposition at every turn so we can communicate with them.
We're still using appropriate consequences the kind that now do require cooperation. Well, talk
about that consultation part. -That's the fun one. That's when they're up in stage three and they are
mature and they're taking responsibility for themselves, for their actions.
They're taking initiative to do things that they know will bring about the best
circumstance for themselves and that is when you take the role of a consultant. You consult
with them. You talk with them. It's usually in their upper ages but remember it's about stage.
So, you can have nice consultation with a younger child too. When they're taking responsibility for
themselves and appropriate control over their own life that's when they come to you and they're like,
"Well mom, what do you think about this?", and you give them your sagely wisdom and advice right and then
they with appreciation they're like, "Oh, thank you Mom that is so profound", right and then they go
home to their own five kids. Now, they can do it before they're adults obviously but this
is a guideline for you. So, as you understand the three stages
then you know what you get to do primarily as a parent whether it's consequences communication
or consultation. -Look, you're already a good parent. These steps may seem really simple but they just
take some practice and as you practice you get better at them. Maya Angelou says something to the
fact that, "When you know better you do better", and that's really what we're sharing with you. I like
to think about it as you already are good parent but you have the intent to always be the best
parent you can be and that's why you've joined us. -And thank you for joining us we're honored to be
on your team hopefully, you found this helpful. Watch that next video and remember to get your copy
of the stages drpauljenkins.com/stages we'll put this in your inbox.