- Have you ever felt stable,
like you've pretty much got it together,
and you're becoming one
of the most healthy versions of yourself,
and then, you show up at your family reunion,
and all of a sudden you find yourself acting out
of patterns that you thought you had resolved years ago?
No matter how many pep talks you give yourself,
no matter how much meditation you do,
something about sitting across from your parents
or walking into your childhood home brings you right back
to a teenage version of yourself.
(upbeat music)
Well, you're not alone.
This happens to a lot of us.
It's called regression, and it's incredibly common.
Basically, our brain reverts to a younger state
of mind, and we find ourselves having responses
or emotions that are from that state of mind.
We may slip into a family role,
even if in our normal lives we care for others around us,
suddenly we can find ourselves acting like the baby again.
We can even feel childlike when it's happening,
as if we don't have the resources that we know we have
because we use them in our everyday adult life.
So why does this happen and what do we do to make it stop?
Well, there are four reasons we might do this.
Number one, our brains make connections.
One of the coolest things about our brains
is that they are constantly taking in millions
of pieces of information and finding any connection they can
with previously collected data, memories and emotions.
They have an incredible storage system.
So when you smell a certain scent,
your brain immediately pulls up any emotions
or experiences that you've had with that scent
just in case it's relevant.
Everything is connected and our brain has cataloged
the details that maybe we aren't even mindful of.
And what this means is, if you walk in to a familiar place
or you engage with a familiar person,
your brain is going to pull up the memories
and emotions that are associated with that place or person.
Once those sensations are activated,
it can really make it hard
to put the genie back in the bottle.
Number two, relational dynamics.
When it comes to family,
we have to remember, the dynamic has changed more
than any other dynamic in our lives.
And think about it.
With our caregiver,
many of us began as a newborn baby
with our parents providing for our every need,
and we were utterly dependent on them for survival.
There was a certain dynamic
in that relationship that we both operated out of.
Then, we changed.
We grew up, right?
And our parents who were still adults
could have stayed the same,
but we developed more resources
and abilities, and became our teenage selves,
and the relationship had to shift.
By the time some
of us figured those things out,
things had already pivoted again.
Now, we're adults,
but our parents may still be thinking of us as children,
and that can add a layer
to the relationship that creates a struggle for power,
or just confusion in the dynamic that it's activating.
We can feel like someone has flipped a switch
where we find ourselves acting like children
when we're really an adult.
And maybe the relationship itself feels like it only works
if we play the role that we've always played growing up.
Reason number three, unresolved family conflicts.
This is true of a lot of relationships.
When we have something that's unstated undealt with,
or unresolved, our brains snag on it.
It's sort of like telling someone not
to think of a pink elephant.
We automatically do.
So once that conflict is on our minds,
we often tend to behave the way that we were
when it initially happened, whether that's at age six or 16.
And if our brains know there's no way
to really work through it,
we might also find ourselves using indirect communication
to passively try to solve the conflict,
which we know is never really a good plan.
We can make bids
for resolution without actually addressing the conflict.
For example, if you feel your parent is passive aggressive,
but there's no way to resolve it,
you may end up using your words
or behaviors to try to get them to see what's going on
and maybe the conflict they're causing
without being direct and telling them.
And it ends up feeling like you're reverting
to a version of yourself that maybe you don't like.
Reason number four,
it could be an attempt to get our needs met.
Similarly, we might have unmet childhood needs
or childhood wounds we haven't dealt with,
and whether we wanna work this way or not,
our subconscious mind is committed
to getting those needs met,
and those wounds resolved with our caregiver.
So we can find ourselves tapping into that child part
of us that wants to feel love, safety, and security,
or that teenage part
of us that has created coping mechanisms
to get those needs met or to help keep us safe.
And I forgot to mention
because you might be wondering, well,
why if we're attempting to get our needs met,
does that mean we revert back?
And the truth is that when we have wounds from childhood,
which I could argue that all of us do,
we can think maybe consciously
or unconsciously that those are the people,
meaning the ones who possibly caused the wounds
or were around when those wounds happened,
we think that those are the only people
who will be able to finally help us heal
or meet those needs or help us recover from that trauma.
We're looking to them for answers and for healing,
probably because they're our caregivers
and they were supposed to do it initially.
But whatever the reason, that's why we go back,
and every time we go home for Christmas,
or Thanksgiving or whatever holidays we celebrate,
we get caught back in that rut of feeling
like a younger us hoping that this time will be different
and they'll be able to finally meet that need,
or finally say sorry,
or finally do the reparative work that they,
we hope that they would, because also, on a side note,
it probably means that we haven't done the work ourselves
to recognize that, unfortunately,
we can't depend on others to meet those needs.
We have to give them to ourselves.
But I just wanted to further explain that,
'cause I feel like I kind of left you hanging there.
Okay, so what do we do about it?
One big thing we can do is work on our childhood wounds.
I have an entire inner child workshop
that can help you dive into this
if you feel like this is a good next step for you.
This is one thing that we can do
to help ourselves get caught up in the relationship
and set a new tone moving forward.
But let's be honest, that process,
that inner child work can feel slow because it takes time.
So here are two things that you can do today that will help.
And number one,
first, we wanna try to keep our mind as present as possible.
If you feel that childhood self taking over in a moment,
try to pay attention to your senses.
What do you see?
What is the fabric that you're wearing,
like on your sweater,
what does it feel like against your skin?
What do you smell?
Try to do whatever you can to bring yourself
into the present and stay grounded.
Even reminding yourself gently of the year,
your age, where you're at, maybe where you live,
all of that can be incredibly helpful
and stop you from falling back
into these old patterns that aren't as beneficial.
And I'm back again because I forgot to mention too,
within this first tool, it's not just about staying present.
A huge component of this that I kind of feel
like I maybe skimmed over is recognizing
when we're feeling that pull.
So it might be helpful before you go home to notice some
of the ways that you acted last time that were kind
of indicators that you're acting more childlike.
Like for me, for instance,
I stomped my feet when I get frustrated at home
when I'm a kid, they used to call me stomper,
so I would stomp my feet, or I might find myself,
like, mumbling under my breath, like kind
of things that as as an adult, I don't engage in anymore.
But as a kid I did all the time.
And so maybe try to parse or think about what the things
are that you do that could be an indicator
that you're going in this direction,
and then we can use these kind
of grounding techniques that I'm offering.
Number two, we can set boundaries.
Boundaries are essential to solving this problem.
And there are two kinds
of boundaries that we're gonna need to think through.
Boundaries inside and boundaries outside.
Boundaries at their core are
about understanding where you stop and someone else begins.
They're about taking back responsibility
and control over our own behaviors and reactions.
Internal boundaries have to do with knowing
that we get to decide what goes on inside of us,
and we are no longer going to give that power
to the person on the other side of the relationship.
So practically,
maybe you're sitting around the dining room table
and you visualize a pipe flowing
between you and your sibling, or you and your parent.
And imagine a little barrier or shutoff valve on one side.
You're in control of that valve.
No matter what the person does on their side of the pipe,
no matter what they try to shove in it,
you get to decide what you let in or not,
and you get to choose what is happening
on your side.
And setting boundaries externally,
so that was internally, right?
This is externally, is an extension of this.
It's not about what someone else is doing
or how you want them to behave.
It's about how you are going to behave.
Remember, we can't control other people, right?
We can only control ourselves.
An external boundary is an expression
of how you're going to behave in a certain situation.
For example, saying to a family member, you know,
"Please don't bring up that political issue," is a request.
But, saying, "If you bring up that political issue,
I'm going to have to move into the kitchen."
That's a boundary.
It's your awareness of how you're going
to change your behavior
if something feels unhealthy for you.
And there's a lot that goes into boundary setting,
knowing ourselves and having healthy separation
from others is one thing.
The next is knowing how to communicate
to others and what we can control.
If you wanna dive more into that, what are boundaries?
Why are they important?
What are the different types?
How do I set them?
What if someone doesn't respect them,
and all that, I am hosting a workshop in early January
and it will be available for purchase starting this week.
So make sure you're following me on socials,
or click the link below to make sure you get notified
as soon as it opens up.
Thank you so much for watching.
I hope that was helpful as the holidays are up on us.
I hope to see you next time, bye.
(upbeat music)