WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT!
THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE AT OUR SHADOW CONVENTION IN
NEW YORK CITY.
JUST MOMENTS AGO IN PHILADELPHIA, BERNIE SANDERS
ENDORSED HILLARY CLINTON.
IT WAS AN IMPASSIONED SPEECH, BUT DISAPPOINTED MANY
SUPPORTERS.
I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MANY CRYING WOMEN SINCE BERNIE OPENED FOR
THE BEATLES.
(LAUGHTER) ON THE STAGE, ACTUALLY.
>> Jon: IT WAS RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE.
>> Stephen: RIGHT NOW, WE ARE LIVE ON NIGHT ONE OF THE
DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: YEAH, LIVE!
LIVE!
ALSO KNOWN AS HILLARY CLINTON AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO
GOOD, VERY BAD DAY.
(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, WIKILEAKS
RELEASED EMAILS PROVING THAT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE
WAS CONSPIRING AGAINST BERNIE SANDERS.
IN AN UNPRECEDENTED SHOW OF BIAS, THE DEMOCRATS THREW THEIR
WEIGHT BEHIND THE REGISTERED DEMOCRAT.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
(LAUGHTER) IT'S LIKE SAM'S CLUB REFUSING TO
TAKE YOUR BLOCKBUSTER CARD.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IN ONE LEAKED EMAIL, A D.N.C.
STAFFER SUGGESTS ATTACKING SANDERS' FAITH, WONDERING
"...CAN WE GET SOMEONE TO ASK HIS BELIEF?
DOES HE BELIEVE IN A GOD.
HE HAD SKATED ON SAYING HE HAS A JEWISH HERITAGE.
I THINK I READ HE IS AN ATHEIST.
THIS COULD MAKE SEVERAL POINTS DIFFERENCE WITH MY PEEPS."
(LAUGHTER) OF COURSE, PEEPS ARE VERY
RELIGIOUS.
(LAUGHTER) THOSE LITTLE MARSHMALLOW CHICKS
NEVER MISS AN EASTER SUNDAY.
(LAUGHTER) NOW, SOME OF THE EMAILS ARE LESS
-- 19,000 E-MAILS WERE RELEASED.
SOME ARE LESS DAMNING, SUCH AS THIS ONE WITH THE
SUBJECT LINE "TINY SUGGESTION" THAT READS-- AND THIS IS TRUE:
"EAT MY BUTT."
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: HEY, HEY...
HEY, WHO HASN'T ARGUED OVER OFFICE EMAIL ABOUT WHERE TO GET
LUNCH?
(LAUGHTER) THE RESPONSE WAS AN ALL-CAPS
REBUKE, "CLAYTON"!
IT'S CLAYTON!
THE OL' OFFICE "EAT MY BUTT" GUY!
SURE, IT'S VULGAR, DISGUSTING, AND CRUDE, BUT IT'S THE FIRST
EVIDENCE THAT THE DEMOCRATS CAN TAKE ON DONALD TRUMP.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BERNIE'S SUPPORTERS HAVE LONG ACCUSED THE D.N.C. AND THEIR
CHAIRWOMAN DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ OF PRO-HILLARY BIAS, AND
NOW THAT THESE EMAILS HAVE BEEN LEAKED, WASSERMAN SCHULTZ IS IN
DEEP... UH, WHAT'S THE WORD?
>> DOO DOO.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU.
THAT HAS LEFT A BAD TASTE IN PEOPLE'S MOUTHS.
AND HERE'S HOW MUCH THE DEMOCRATS DON'T GET IT.
YESTERDAY, WASSERMAN SCHULTZ SAID SHE PLANS TO STEP DOWN AT
THE END OF THE CONVENTION.
WHAT?
THAT'S LIKE PEOPLE FINDING OUT THAT THERE'S A TURD IN THE PUNCH
BOWL AND TELLING THEM, "DON'T WORRY, WE'RE GETTING RID OF THE
TURD AS SOON AS THE PARTY'S OVER.
UNTIL THEN, DRINK UP!
I PROMISE!
WE'RE TALKING OF, AT MOST, FOUR DAYS OF TURD PUNCH."
ENJOY YOURSELF.
(LAUGHTER) THERE WERE SOME ROUGH FEELINGS
WHEN THE DAY BEGAN.
BY EARLY EVENING, THINGS HAD SEEMED TO CALM DOWN-- AND THEN
BERNIE SUPPORTER SARAH SILVERMAN AND HILLARY SUPPORTER AL FRANKEN
TOOK THE STAGE, AND SILVERMAN GOT A LITTLE TIRED OF THE CROWD.
>> TO THE BERNIE OR BUST PEOPLE: YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
(AUDIENCE ROARS) >> STEPHEN: WOW.
IT'S RARE WHEN THE COMEDIAN HECKLES THE AUDIENCE.
(LAUGHTER) I LOVE SARAH.
I'M GLAD SARAH SAID SOMETHING.
BERNIE SUPPORTERS ARE KNOWN TO RESPOND POSITIVELY TO STRONG,
INDEPENDENT WOMEN.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
SHOUT OUT TO MY BROS!
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: THERE WERE A LOT OF GREAT SPEECHES TONIGHT, BUT
LEAVE IT TO MICHELLE OBAMA TO TRULY UNIFY THE DEMOCRATS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Jon: INCREDIBLE SPEECH.
>> Stephen: WITH TONIGHT'S SPEECH,
SHE CONVINCED EVERYONE IN THAT ARENA THAT IT WAS FINALLY TIME
TO ELECT, AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, FORMER FIRST
LADY: MICHELLE OBAMA.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SHE WAS STRUCTURAL DAMAGE TO
THAT PLACE, THEY WERE CHEERING SO HARD.
IT WAS A VERY PERSONAL SPEECH TALKING ABOUT HER LIFE, LIFE OF
HER HUSBAND AND WHAT THE GOALS OF THE LAST EIGHT YEARS WERE AND
MADE A MOVING CASE FOR WHAT HER HUSBAND'S TIME IN THE WHITE
HOUSE HAS MEANT TO THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA.
>> NOT JUST TO OUR GIRLS, BUT THE CHILDREN ACROSS THIS
COUNTRY.
KIDS WHO TELL US, I SAW YOU ON TV, I WROTE A REPORT ON YOU FOR
SCHOOL.
KIDS LIKE THE LITTLE BLACK BOY WHO LOOKED UP AT MY HUSBAND, HIS
EYES WIDE WITH HOPE AND HE WONDERED, IS MY HAIR LIKE YOURS?
(LAUGHTER) >> STEPHEN: THE ONLY BOY WHO'S
EVER SAID THAT ABOUT DONALD TRUMP IS HERMEY THE ELF WHO
WANTED TO BE A DENTIST.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ANYWAY, MICHELLE'S SPEECH WAS SO GOOD, I WANT TO HEAR IT AGAIN.
WHEN IS MELANIA'S NEXT SPEECH?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, WITH MY SPECIAL VISIT TO THE DEMOCRATIC
CONVENTION.