With his trip concluded, it's worth taking a step back
to look at how Trump's policies toward Asia
are actually working.
Because, while Donald Trump is gaining friends,
America is losing money and power.
For instance, in his very first week as president,
Trump pulled out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership,
a decision many people agreed with
because there was a chance that the TPP
would send more American jobs overseas.
The problem is, when Trump canceled the TPP,
he didn't replace it with any other trade deal.
And so during Trump's Asia trip, nature took its course.
TV REPORTER: The remaining 11 countries
in the TPP, as it's called,
are heading toward an agreement,
only without the U.S.
TV REPORTER: This is a roughly one-sixth
of the global economy.
We're not gonna benefit, and this is also
gonna strengthen Chinese influence in the region.
Again we're the big loser.
America is the big loser.
You see, let-let me break it down like this:
The TPP is a lot like TP, okay?
Like, I'll tell you what happened to me
with my roommate once.
He insisted on buying the (bleep) cheap toilet paper
that you could find. I hated it.
I was like, "We got to get rid of the toilet paper."
So he did, but he didn't replace it with anything else.
(laughter)
And if you don't replace what you don't like
with something else, you're going to be in deep (bleep).
Literally and figuratively.
So now America's loss is China's gain.
And when you can't wipe your butt, who benefits?
China.
I don't know if that tracked, but it made sense in my head.
The same thing goes for pulling America out
of the Paris Climate Accord.
Literally, every other country is in it.
And again, when America steps aside,
guess who benefits.
TV REPORTER: The world's two biggest polluters
switching sides.
The United States no longer
a global leader combatting climate change.
China is the country that's gonna benefit the most
from the United States pulling back.
TV REPORTER: China plans to spend more than $360 billion
on renewable energy, which, it says,
will create at least 13 million new jobs.
Yep, that's right.
The country where air quality comes in menthol
could now beat America as a climate leader.
You see, the Chinese government is subsidizing
its energy technology industry
with hundreds of billions of dollars,
because they know new energy is a huge business opportunity
that China can then sell to the rest of the world,
like it's everything else at Walmart.
In fact, Donald Trump is so good for China,
that they're even using his presidency
as pro-communism propaganda.
China is actually using Trump.
Their state media explicitly said
Donald Trump is proof that democracy doesn't work.
We had Xinhua, China's state media,
pointing towards Donald Trump, trying to remind people
that it thinks that's the chaos that democracy brings you.
They say look at the buffoon who's running, ostensibly,
the world's most powerful country,
and look at the disciplined leader that we have,
that at least strategically planned 30 years ahead of time.
Trump doesn't seem to be able to control
what he will write three hours, you know, ahead of time.
Oh. Three hours ahead of time.
I don't think, uh, Trump thinks three seconds ahead of time.
I feel like every morning he wakes up, picks up his phone,
and goes, "All right, thumbs, you take it from here.
"Ah...
Sent."
For more on China's growing global influence,
we turn now to our very own Ronny Chieng, everybody.
(cheers and applause)
How are you? What's going on?
China is, uh, stepping up in a big way, Ronny.
-Should America feel threatened? -Yes, Trevor.
Uh, first of all, I just want to make it clear,
I'm not from China.
-No. I-I know. It's just a coincidence. -Yeah, yeah.
Just like you, you're black, but you're not from Africa, right?
I mean, you're from black Australia,
or wherever that accent is from.
Anyway, right now,
we are watching China become number one,
which is great news for America.
Being number one sucks.
You have a constant on your back,
everyone expects you to solve everything
and then complains when you (bleep) it up.
Yeah, but-but, Ronny, when you're number one,
you have power, you-you command attention.
Yeah, exactly.
And now China has to deal with that bull(bleep).
China has to solve climate change.
China has to get clean drinking water for everyone.
China has to invade Iraq
and invent the next iPhone, all right?
Because being number one sucks.
You ever play Mario Kart?
Yo, that asshole blue shell with the wings
isn't coming for number two.
Okay? Number two is the best position to be in.
Trust me. Like at a wedding, being the best man-- terrible.
Being a groomsman, awesome.
Groomsmen get free whiskey and cigars.
The best man has to buy whiskey and cigars
for a bunch of freeloading groomsmen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but Ronny,
because of Trump's policies or lack thereof,
-America is effectively getting demoted. -Yes.
And it's the best thing that could happen.
Trust me America. Embrace number two.
Take a back seat.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
All you have to do now is sit back, relax,
and get that accidental
back seat car boner from the vibration.
You know what I'm talking about, right, Trevor?
You know, a backseat car boner, from the...
when the... vibrating, and there's no one around
and you're just chilling back there
and the car is going like... (imitates engine revving)
Right? And it's just stimulating the...
Congratulations, America. Enjoy your backseat boner,
because no one is looking.
Ronny Chieng, everybody.