Hi, I'm Sarah Cooper
and I have a very spooky story to tell you.
A long time ago, before I met my husband, I was single.
I was single for five years and then I was desperate for 10.
Sure, there are some things
that are nice about being single
like going to bed alone
makes it easier to cry myself to sleep.
But I would have moments where I felt so alone.
Like, I'd go into the bathroom and I'd look into the mirror
and I'd push my nostrils up against each other
and all of this worm-like pus
would start coming out of my pores
and I'd yell out, "Oh my God, you have to come see this!"
but there was nobody there and I was all alone.
And so, I did what a lot of girls did back then.
I logged onto a dating website.
Yes, I said website 'cause we didn't have apps back then.
And I paid
24
$24.95 a month
to meet local singles in my area,
mostly divorced dads.
I went on a date with one guy and he said
that he didn't wanna have sex with me
because he liked me so much,
which I didn't realize was code for,
"I can't get an erection,"
which is true for one in four men, apparently,
and that's not a medical statistic.
That's just based on my own experience.
What's going on in here?
I'm telling a spooky story!
What are you doing?
I'm on a VC.
And they were saying, "What's going on down here?"
Okay, I'm telling a spooky story.
All right.
But then I met this man who was so handsome.
When I met him, I said to myself,
"I want to have this man's babies!"
but I didn't say that out loud
because I didn't want him to think that I was crazy
because I'm not crazy!
He was staring very intently, not at me,
but at the TV that was over my head with the game on it.
Then when the bill came, to be sexy and fun, I said,
"Do you want me to get it?" and he said, "Sure."
No!
And then he said, "Let's get out of here,"
and I thought, "Oh yeah, it's on."
So, he walked me home and he said,
"Can I use your bathroom?"
and I went and changed my bra and my underwear
because I wanted them to match
and they didn't match so I changed
and then I sat there on the couch waiting for him.
And finally, he came out of the bathroom
and he looked at me and he saw me,
smoldering there on the couch.
And he said, "Thanks, I'll see you later," and he left.
And as the smell of what he did in my bathroom
wafted toward me-
Why?-
I thought to myself, "I will never, never, never
see that man again."
But then I ended sleeping with him
for several weeks after that
because, like I said, I was really desperate.
He was using me for sex but I knew how to get him.
So I decided that I was gonna have a talk with him
about where this was going
and I picked the perfect time.
It was 2 a.m. on a Saturday
and he called me to come over to have sex
and I said, "You know what?
Now is the perfect time to talk about our relationship."
So, I said, "So, what do you think about us
maybe doing things other than having sex?"
And he said, "Do you wanna be my girlfriend?"
And I said, "What? I didn't say girlfriend,"
and he said, "You wanna be my girlfriend!"
And I said, "Okay, yeah, I wanna be your girlfriend,"
and he said, "See? Was that so hard?"
And then there was an awkward silence and I said,
"Do you wanna be my boyfriend?"
and he said, "No, I don't,"
And I said, "Why?"
And he said,
"Because I'm fucking a lot of bitches right now."
That was the end of that relationship
and it was very scary.
And that was my spooky ghost story.
And be sure to watch my special,
"Sarah Cooper: Everything's Fine," on Netflix.