- I made it clear that I'm scared of chimpanzees!
And you guys had them bring a chimpanzee back there!
You guys are gonna fricking do this?
- Shanyne, Shayne. - No, no!
(upbeat music)
(audience clapping)
- Hi. - Hi.
- How's it going? - Hi, guys.
- Hello. - Thank you, thank you.
- Wow.
Here on a beautiful Tuesday morning.
Chanse. - Yes.
- It's so great to be here presenting with you.
- Shayne, amazing to be presenting with you.
- Yes, yes.
- I think we're both experts at this point.
- Definitely.
And we've both done this before.
And, I heard about yours.
Mine was the same.
We said we were prepared, we weren't.
- But that's last time. - This time...
- We are ready. - We're very ready.
Nothing can shock us anymore.
- Not even a little bit.
- Not a little bit.
Anyways, Chanse and I are specifically experts on one thing,
and everyone here knows this.
And that one thing is this
that we're about to tell you all about.
- [Both] We Bought a Zoo!
- Oh.
And oh, here we go.
- See.
- Naturing it up.
- Popcorn, hot dogs. - Okay, thank you.
- Oh cute!
Oh my God.
- I'm just gonna throw this on over this.
Some '90s action. - Oh, oh!
We love animals.
And we have striven, strove, some say,
to protect, preserve, and appreciate.
- And appreciate all of 'em.
I will work with any animal, except I've been
very vocal about one animal that I will not
ever wanna be in a room with, which is a chimpanzee.
But today we're gonna be showing you
every animal but chimpanzees.
- We're gonna dive into a lot of nuances about the animals
that you probably don't know.
So it's not your standard zoo, right?
We're gonna go in depth, into detail.
- That's right.
And we already have our first animal over here.
This guy, this guy, putting it all in.
- [Chanse] Oh God, Jesus.
- Look at that.
Is that an anteater? (laughs)
Just kidding.
So let's begin.
- Yes, absolutely.
- [Shayne] Bring out animal number one.
- Yay!
Oh my God, oh my God. - Oh, here we go.
Oh, yup.
So sweet.
- Oh, and you might recognize this guy.
He is actually an actor.
He's from Holes. - Yes.
And we have our very professional animal handler
who is a professional animal handler.
- And this guy's really, he's really, really, oh.
- He'll go on your chest.
- He'll go on my chest.
Okay, see, he really likes it.
See, this is a reptile.
- Yes, that is correct.
- This is a um... - This is a bearded dragon.
- A bearded dragon.
- Yes, that is correct.
- Who knows what differentiates reptiles between mammals?
- Anyone know? - Yes?
- [Shayne] Yes.
- Mouths? - No.
- Well, no. - No, not really, actually.
- It's, they are coldblooded.
- That's right. He needs to get out in the sun.
- Needs to get out in the sun.
And did you wanna hold him?
- You can just set him right here.
Just set him right here.
There we go.
Oh, oh, there we go.
- Oh my God! - Look at him.
Look at him. - Oh my God!
- Yes, you can see--
(audience member laughs)
This is my best friend, Chanse.
(jaunty music)
Three true facts about bearded dragons.
- I got the first one.
This guy hasn't pooped yet today.
- Uh oh. - Why would you?
- Uh oh. And I didn't bring a change of clothes,
so you're about to watch a Bepordy
with (beeps) all over my shirt.
- The second true fact about bearded dragons
is that they eat insects.
- [Shayne] That is true.
- That is true, probably. - That is true.
They eat all sorts of insects.
Any sort of thing that can fit in their mouth.
They'll probably attempt to eat bugs
that are bigger than their mouth.
That might not go well.
Oh, that might not go well.
Isn't that right, Chanse?
Isn't that right?
You know what I'm talking about.
- The third fact, the holes.
- Those are his ears.
- This is the best Idiots Presents I've ever done,
where everything we're saying is true.
- That's true.
(audience laughing)
- Which is very awesome.
Oh, just a sweet little guy.
I'm sure they live in dry habitats?
- Definitely, 100%.
- I think that's also a true thing.
- Deserts.
- They probably like to to hide away
and burrow a lot of times.
But they'll get out for that sunlight.
- Predators, they do have natural predators.
Probably like a big bird, like some kind of hawk.
- Probably something, probably something
tries to get these guys.
But not this guy.
- Not this guy. - Not this guy.
And you've got little pointed, pointed little cheeks.
Oh, you're just the best.
- It's time for Chanse to part ways.
- Oh, okay.
Oh no.
- Oh my God. - Love this guy so much.
- Gotta clock out.
- See, you can see why that's my favorite.
- That's okay. - He licked you.
- It's that little tail whip of love, if you will.
Well, that was a sweet little guy.
- He's in there with his favorite blanket.
- Bye, Chanse.
(audience clapping)
- He's waving. - He's waving.
- He's waving goodbye. - Bye.
That's how reptiles say goodbye.
All right, next up.
Now we will share our animal fears.
- Right. - Okay.
Well, I've already stated very clearly my fear.
Chimpanzees. - Yeah.
- The one animal that I...
- Too strong, too smart.
- They're too smart.
They are, they have attacked people before.
And it's very violent and it's very scary.
If I were ever to be presented with one,
I don't know what I would do.
Frankly.
I think I would freak out.
- They're really intelligent.
I feel like if you freak out, it's gonna freak out too.
- Yeah, probably would go bad.
But I don't know if I'd be able to contain myself.
- I am deathly afraid of frogs.
- Really? - I hate them.
They plague my nightmares.
Frog and Toad when I was a little, hated reading it.
I'm not kidding.
- I didn't think many people read those.
That sucks that you had to read them.
- I think it's also
'cause they're like the aristocrat frogs.
So like colonizer white frogs walking around.
- Oh, that makes sense.
- They are, drinking tea and (beeps).
Don't do that.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to look that way.
- Can you, you either have to take that off
or you have to leave. - Thank you.
Perfect. - Sir, that is awful.
Okay. - Oof.
And the warts.
I don't know if that's, that is true.
- I think I've touched a frog before.
Yes, I've touched a tree frog,
which are very tiny little frogs.
- Yeah, no. - They're very cute.
- Poisonous. - See, I love frogs.
I adore them.
As I said, I love almost all animals.
99.99% of animals.
I'm a big fan of 'em.
Bring out animal number two.
- This is Shayne's favorite.
- This is my favorite right here.
Oh, and it's not a frog.
- It's Craig. - It's Craig, you guys.
Craig and I have hung out before.
Craig belongs to Rhett and Link.
They found him as they were
walking above the Amazon rainforest.
(all laughing)
- And Shayne is gonna go in there.
- Well, I don't know if I'm allowed to touch Craig.
They've never allowed us to touch Craig.
- Don't touch Craig.
- But he's so sweet.
- I'm not even allowed to touch Craig.
- Not even Peter's allowed to touch Craig.
And Peter's not even allowed to be
within 100 feet of a school.
- That's true.
(all laughing)
That is unfortunately true.
- [Chanse] Always ask the animal for consent to touch it.
- That's right.
Always ask an animal.
And if they don't respond in English
you are not allowed to touch them.
- Hey Craig, would you like to come out?
- This is Julie?
Craig has a diet of small mice.
Hi, may I touch you?
- He can touch you.
- Craig has never gotten knotted.
- He's never tied himself in a knot.
- He's never done that.
- And he's never tied the knot with another snake.
- And you would think because of no bones.
- Yeah. - No bones.
- No bones?
- Yes, snakes have no bones.
Three ways to play with a ball python.
So first off, one way you don't, jump rope.
Please don't.
But some fun ways, you can have a race.
You put 'em on the ground, you can be like, let's go.
(heart pounding) And you both run.
But snakes can...
So if a snake is coming your way, don't, it's over.
If they're mad, it's over.
You also can play charades
'cause snakes can twist themselves into all sorts of shapes.
And then the last game, Chanse,
you love playing this with Craig.
What's the last game?
- The last game is hide and go seek.
- Yeah.
- And he hides and I do not seek.
(all laughing)
- Okay, Craig, may I?
Okay, let's see.
Can I?
Let's see, do I just.
Do we just make this like this?
Okay, okay.
And, oh ho ho.
Oh, very good.
- If you'll notice the spots on his hide,
they indicate how old he is.
- Yes.
Like a tree, which snakes and trees are related.
- They are from the same genus.
- That is true.
His eyes are silvery so he can see werewolves.
(audience laughing)
Why don't you just crawl on in there?
I feel like Britney Spears right now.
- That's what I said.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, a little boop.
A little boop. - A little boop.
- That's what snakes are known for, a little boop.
- Snakes do give boops.
- That's enough Craig facts for today.
- Okay. - Okay.
- We're gonna have to take Craig home.
- Okay, Professor Buzzkill over there.
- I gotta do what I gotta do.
Yes, thank you. - Thank you so much, Jenna.
- Thank you, Craig.
- No need for the cage.
- Next slide.
- Yeah, next slide.
Bring out, animal number three.
- Animal number three.
This animal we are really excited for.
Because you don't usually see these every day.
- No, no you don't.
No, this is very special.
- Right.
- We have this one and no one else does.
- [Peter] Oh!
Oh, oh.
Oh, oh!
Oh!
- Okay, okay.
Yeah. - Oh!
- Okay.
(Peter panting)
So we're having, Peter's having a smoke break back there.
- Can I see you backstage for a sec?
- Is he okay?
- Sorry folks.
We're having a couple...
- We're having an issue back here.
Okay. - Good, all good?
- We're all good? - Yeah, it's fine.
- Okay, cool.
- Okay, I'm really excited to bring out this next one.
- We're totally fine.
Everything's good.
- He's fine, he just needed a minute.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Okay, he just needs a minute.
- Just give some zoo facts.
- Zoo facts? - Zoo facts.
There are over 100 zoos in America.
- Right, yeah.
All those things.
And I swear to God, I swear to God.
I know what this is!
- [Erin] We can bring out the animal.
- No, we're not gonna bring out the animal!
We're not gonna fricking do this!
I made it clear that I'm scared of chimpanzees!
And you guys have a fricking chimpanzee back there!
You guys are gonna fricking do this?
- Shayne, Shayne, Shayne.
- No, no, no!
I said no!
I don't wanna be in a room with a chimpanzee!
I'm gonna die!
It's gonna be all...
(Shayne howling)
It's gonna be just like that!
Anyways, the lesson that I'm telling you guys here
is that I'm not stupid, is the lesson.
You see, months ago, I started talking about
my fear of chimpanzees.
But, I'm not afraid of chimpanzees.
In fact, on this channel for eight years,
I've learned not to talk about my deepest fears.
(audience laughing)
The last time I did, I said I'm scared of dolls,
and you guys locked me in a room with them for 10 minutes!
(creepy giggling)
Oh, okay, yeah.
You're moving.
I will fight you!
I will punch you!
Whoever's in that, I will punch you.
Get ready for me to be your greatest fear.
This channel has conditioned me.
I fear nothing!
I don't fear Marcus in a monkey suit!
I'm not stupid!
You can't have apes on set in Southern California!
I picked my fear correctly.
We don't have the budget for an ape.
Are you kidding me?
- Time for animal number three.
- Yeah, bring him out.
Get on out here.
- No, ew, ew, ew, ew.
- At this point, it better be a real one.
(audience laughing)
If it's not real.
If it's not real, Marcus, you better get back in there.
(Marcus howling)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right!
Yeah, pretty good.
Better costume than I thought they'd get.
This would've scared me.
You would've gotten me.
Three things you may not know about chimpanzees.
- Number one.
- Number one, Chanse, you got it.
- They travel in packs.
- They do travel in packs.
And they've been known to have wars out in the wild.
- That's true.
- They have full on wars.
Fact number two, chimpanzees...
Well, I know they're no longer
used in film and TV in Southern California.
They stopped doing that (beeps).
Look, I may not be afraid of 'em like I said I was.
But they did cause problems.
- And the third fact about monkeys is...
- Well they're not monkeys, they're apes.
- Oh, they're apes.
About chimpanzees.
- [Shayne] Trust me, I know a lot about chimpanzees.
- Is that they don't have tails.
- They do not have tails, no, they do not.
All right, don't throw popcorn at them.
Don't throw popcorn at Marcus.
- [Chanse] Ma'am, ma'am.
- Don't throw popcorn at the Marcus Monkey.
- Ew. - Ape.
And all the apes in Rise of the Planet of the Apes,
Those are real. - Those are all real.
- Those are real.
That was the last film to use real apes.
And they were very smart.
And that's why they can't use 'em anymore
'cause they unionized.
- Would you like me to touch you?
- Oh yeah, ask permission.
Great.
Nice.
Very good.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Wow.
He's learning.
- You. - Yeah?
- I think he wants you to touch him.
- Ah, hey, come here.
Come here.
Let's bring it in.
(audience clapping)
I can feel that Marcus is dying in this suit.
I can feel it.
- Very moist.
- Heat is emanating from here.
We could go to the Arctic and use him as a heat source.
(all laughing)
Marcus is also facing his greatest fear
of heat stroke right now.
So it's been a learning experience for all of us.
- And to the next slide.
- Wow. - Aw.
- Well, thank you all for joining us today.
(audience clapping)
We had a great time.
We had such a great time.
- We hope you learned something.
- And I hope we all learned that I'll remember this.
(audience laughing)