>> (MALE NARRATOR): FROM THE AWFUL COMEDY VAULT OF YESTERYEAR, IT'S TIME FOR
BEFORE YOU WERE FUNNY. THE MOST ENTERTAININGLY BAD SKETCH SHOW THE
WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN.
WE FORCED OUR FAVORITE COMEDIANS TO GO BACK IN TIME AND BRING IN THEIR
WORSE MATERIAL AND PERFORM IT TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITY UNREHEARSED.
TODAY'S EPISODE, THE CLOSET WITH PAUL SCHEER.
ALSO FEATURING KRISTEN SCHALL AND ANDY DALY.
AND NOW YOUR HOSTS, JUSTIN MICHAEL AND JACOB REED.
>> HELLO, AND WELCOME TO BEFORE YOU WERE FUNNY. I'M JUSTIN MICHAEL.
>> I'M JACOB REED. TODAY IN THE AWFUL SKETCH VAULT WE'VE GOT ANDY DALY, KRISTEN SCHALL, AND PAUL SCHEER.
AND WE'RE GOING TO BE READING ONE OF PAUL'S SKETCHES.
PAUL THIS IS CALLED THE CLOSET. TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THIS.
>> THE CLOSET IS A SKETCH THAT I TOILED OVER FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
THIS IS A PREMISE THAT I REALLY LOVED, AND ALL KNOW ABOUT THIS, OR REMEMBER ABOUT THIS
IS THAT, I NEVER GOT IT. LIKE I KNEW THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING FUNNY HERE...
I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON THE LIMB AND SAY THAT I STILL BELIEVE IN THIS PREMISE,
I DO NOT KNOW IF THE EXECUTION HOLDS UP TO THE PREMISE.
>> THIS SKETCH IS YOUR WHITE WHALE.
>> THIS IS. ON MY DEATH BED I WILL FINALLY FIGURE IT OUT.
>> I NOTICED BY THE WAY, UP AT THE TOP IT SAYS THE CLOSET,
AND THEN IN PARENTHESIS, SCHEER. WERE YOU A ONE NAME ARTIST AT THAT TIME?
>> I THINK IT WAS JUST MAKING SURE THAT PEOPLE KNEW THAT I DIDN'T WANT THIS
TO GET IN THE WRONG HANDS.
>> WELL LET'S DIVE INTO IT.
>> THE CLOSET BY ME. HERE WE GO.
INTERIOR, A MODERN DAY LOS FELIX. LOS FELIX, WHAT'S LOS FELIX?
LOS FELIX CALIFORNIA. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I KNEW THAT.
>> WHERE WERE YOU LIVING WHEN YOU WROTE THIS?
>> IN NEW YORK.
SUSAN AND FRANK ARE GETTING READY TO LEAVE FRANK'S MODEST HOUSE FOR A
CARE FREE DAY OF SUN AND FUN IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA.
>> THAT'S CALIFORNIA FOR YA.
>> A QUICK DRIVE UP THE COAST?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WAS IN MY MIND THAT I HAD ALL THESE LOFTY LOS ANGELES
SPECIFICS THAT ARE WRONG.
SUSAN AND FRANK ARE JUST FRIENDS, AND THEY ARE TOTALLY COOL WITH THAT.
SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE. BY THE WAY, FRANK IS TRYING TO FIND HIS KEYS...
I LOVE A GOOD FUNNY STAGE DIRECTION, I GUESS. THAT IS WHAT WAS HAPPENING THERE.
>> YOU'RE WRITING IT LIKE YOU WERE JUST TALKING TO A BUDDY OF YOURS.
>> YES. THIS IS WOW...OH MY GOSH.
>> FRANK, COME ON, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
>> I KNOW, I JUST CAN'T FIND MY KEYS.
>> WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK THE GENIE HEAD?
>> IMMEDIATELY, GET THE UNUSUAL THING IN THERE...BOOM.
>> 3RD LINE, THAT IS TEXTBOOK.
>> BUT HERE IS THE SURPRISE.
>> BECAUSE IT NEVER WORKS.
>> THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP IT. IF YOU NEVER USE IT YOU SHOULD JUST THROW IT AWAY.
>> YOU CAN'T JUST THROW AWAY A GENIE HEAD.
>> YOU THREW OUT THE NORDICTRACK.
>> WELL I USED THAT I EVEN LESS.
>> JUST ASK IT.
>> WHATEVER, IT'S NOT GOING TO HELP.
>> FRANK WALKS OVER TO THE CLOSET AND OPENS THE DOOR,
AND INSIDE THE CLOSET IS A BLUE FLOATING GENIE HEAD, AND HE IS WEARING A
GENIE CAP ON HIS HEAD.
>> A.K.A A TURBAN.
LET'S BE HONEST, IT'S A TURBAN.
>> WHAT KIND OF GENIE CAP DO YOU HAVE ON?
>> GENIE WHERE ARE MY KEYS?
>> DOO-BA-LI-DO, DOO-BA-LI-DEE,
AN ANSWER IS WHAT I HAVE FOR THEE.
THREE GAMBLERS CAME FROM A FAR AWAY LAND, AND THEY ALL HAD VERY, VERY LARGE GLANDS.
A SNAKE AND A RAT ONCE HAD A RACE. ONE FINISHED FIRST, THE OTHER WAS LAST PLACE.
>> YOU WERE ORIGINALLY GOING TO PLAY THIS CHARACTER?
>> OH OF COURSE. THIS WAS LIKE MY SNL AUDITION CHARACTER.
(INTERPOSING TALKING)
I MEAN THIS IS GOT TO BE, I MEAN NOT REALLY...BUT UH, THIS IS EVEN EMBARRASSING
TO REMEMBER LIKE...WHEN UCB FIRST STARTED ADAM MCKAY WAS AROUND AND HE WAS WORKING
ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, AND I REMEMBER LIKE SAYING, MAYBE I SHOULD
ASK ONE OF THOSE GUYS FROM SNL TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT THIS AND BE LIKE,
HOW WOULD THEY BE ABLE TO FIX THIS SKETCH? THANK GOD I DIDN'T.
>> A VISION WHEN YOU'RE WRITING THIS IS PRETTY SOON I'M GOING TO BE ON SNL
DOING THIS GENIE HEAD.
>> A 100% PERCENT. THIS IS MY CHEERLEADERS CHARACTER THAT I'M
GOING TO BE DOING. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE LIKE, MORE GENIE HEAD, MORE
BROKEN GENIE HEAD PLEASE.
>> EVEN THOUGH IT'S KIND OF A RIP OFF OF PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE.
>> FRANK CLOSES THE CLOSET DOOR.
>> A SNAKE AND A GAMBLER? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
THAT THING DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. IT WAS SUCH A WASTE OF MONEY.
>> MAYBE YOU'RE NOT ASKING HIM THE RIGHT WAY. HE'S A MAGICAL GENIE.
YOU JUST HAVE TO ASK HIM IN A MAGICAL WAY.
YOU CAN'T TREAT HIM LIKE A SLAVE.
JUST LET ME TRY.
>> SUSAN OPENS THE DOOR AND THE GENIE HEAD APPEARS.
>> OH POWERFUL GENIE, OH GREAT SPHERE, TELL ME WHERE THE KEYS THAT CONTROL
THE CAR MIGHT BE FOUND.
>> AT THIS POINT GENIE HEAD TURNED INTO GENIE.
>> NO-NO, IT IS THE SAME.
>> TAKES ON A GENIE.
>> OH A LADY COMES TO CALL. WHATEVER DOES SHE NEED?
HER REQUEST IS SIMPLE. SHE SAYS, KEYS, KEYS, KEYS...
CAPITALIZED.
>> YES, OF COURSE.
>> KEYS IS CAPITALIZED.
>> I'M TERRIBLE AT SPELLING, GRAMMAR ALWAYS.
THAT IS A CONSTANT.
>> IT'S YOUR TRADEMARK.
>> YEAH, IT IS. I'M LIKE E.E. CUMMINGS.
>> WHILE I MAKE UP A BATCH OF FAMOUS PEAS FOR YOU TO FIND YOUR KEYS,
BUT IF I WANT TO DRIVE THE CAR AT 5, AN APPLE PIE THEN DANDELIONS WILL ABOUND.
NOT UNDER THE CARPET AND CERTAINLY IN, NOT, TOWN.
>> THAT WAS GOOD. I DIDN'T SPELL CHECK IT.
>> AS THE GENIE SPEAKS SUSAN NODS HER HEAD IN AGREEMENT, AS SHE UNDERSTANDS
THE GENIE. FRANK WATCHES IN DISBELIEF.
>> THANK YOU MIGHTY ONE. YOU'VE ENLIGHTENED ME.
>> SUSAN CLOSES THE DOOR.
>> ANYTHING.
>> NO CLUE.
(you hear a sliding whistle and a trumpet)
>> CLASSIC.
>> THAT'S A NICE SHORT ONE.
>> IN AND OUT, IN AND OUT.
>> GET IN, HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON, AND GET OUT BEFORE WE FIGURE IT OUT.
>> DO WE EVER UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GENIE THAT IT'S BROKEN?
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT'S FOR THE AUDIENCE TO FIND...MAYBE AS AGAIN,
WHEN IT'S ON SNL, WE WOULD...
SEE HIM FOR THE 3RD TIME YOU SEE THE GENIE, MAYBE IN A FLASHBACK AS WHY
HE GOT SOME SORT OF HEAD TRAMA OF SOME KIND.
>> THAT'S WHY HE HAS TO WEAR THE GENIE CAP TO COVER THE TRAMA.
>> TO COVER THE HEAD WOUND THAT HE'S RECEIVED.
THE MOST RELIEF I HAVE ABOUT THIS IS THAT IT WAS A PAGE AND TWO SENTENCES.
>> THAT IS A REAL VICTORY.
>> YEAH, REALLY, REALLY IS.
>> WELL, THAT'S THE CLOSET.
>> I THINK I COULD DEFINITELY SEE POTENTIAL WITH THIS SKETCH.
>> THANK YOU.
>> THERE IS A WHOLE WORLD HERE THAT I WOULD LOVE TO EXPLORE.
>> WELL NOW I'M IN MY HEAD THAT IT'S TOO MUCH OF A RIP OFF OF PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE.
>> IT IS.
>> THERE YOU GO.