the failings of friends colleagues and
partners can be deeply galling we got
close to them because of their skills
and merits but after a while it can be
the disappointing sides of their
personalities that dominate our view of
them we look upon their faults and
wander again and again why they are the
way they are why so slow why so
unreliable how can they be so bad at
explaining things or telling an anecdote
why can't they face bad news straight on
even worse we feel they could change if
only they really wanted to if only they
weren't so mean it's a moment of
particular agitation that we need to
remember a theory called the weakness of
strength this dictates that we should
always strive to see people's weaknesses
as the inevitable downside of certain
merits that first drew us to them and
from which we will benefit at other
points even if none of these benefits
are apparent right now what we're seeing
are not their faults
pure and simple but rather the shadow
side of things that are genuinely good
about them we're picking up on
weaknesses that derive from strengths in
the 1870s when he was living in Paris
the American novelist Henry James became
good friends with a celebrated Russian
novelist avantage nef who was also
living in a city at that time
Henry James was particularly taken by
the unhurried tranquil style of the
Russian writers storytelling tog nef
obviously took a long time over every
sentence wearing different options
changing polishing until at last
everything was perfect it was an
ambitious inspiring approach to writing
but in personal and social life these
same virtues could make two again EF a
maddening companion he'd accept an
invitation to lunch then the day before
send a note explaining that he wouldn't
be able to attend then another saying
how much he looked forward to the
occasion then he turn up two hours late
arranging anything with him was a
nightmare yet his social waywardness was
really just the same thing that made him
so attractive as a writer
it was the same unwillingness to hurry
the same desire to keep the options open
until the last moment this produced Marv
books and dinner party chaos in
reflecting on - Jenny F's character
Henry James reflected that his Russian
friend was exhibiting the weakness of
his strength the theory goes like this
every strength that an individual has
necessarily brings with it a weakness of
which it is an inherent part it is
impossible to have strengths without
weaknesses every virtue has an
Associated weakness not all the virtues
can belong together ever in a single
person this is a theory that can help us
to calm down at moments of particular
crisis because it changes the way we see
the defects failings and drawbacks of
others our minds tend to hive off the
strengths and see these as essential
while deeming the weaknesses as a kind
of freakish add-on but in truth the
weaknesses are part and parcel of the
strengths but the theory usefully
undermines the properly unhelpful idea
that if only we looked a bit harder we
would find someone who was always
perfect to be around if strengths are
invariably connected to failings there
won't be anyone who's remotely flawless
we may well find people with different
strengths but they will also have a new
litany of weaknesses it's always calming
to take a moment to remind ourselves the
incredible idea that perfect people
simply don't exist
you