Jesse and Avril have been married for 10 years. Like all marriages,
they’ve gone through their fair share of ups and downs. But recently, however, their kids, work,
money, and drudgery of their day to day life were taking a toll on their family and their marriage.
Jesse and Avril used to engage with each other everyday, hold hands, do activities together,
and be intimate with each other on a regular basis. But now, they barely speak to each other
unless they absolutely have to. Both Jesse and Avril were miserable and withdrawn – but
Avril didn’t want to give up. She knew that saving their marriage was possible…
she just didn’t know where to start. Should she push Jesse to interact with her?
Should she initiate more? Should she suggest marriage counselling?
That’s when Avril decided to try out some of the advice that I talk about in my YouTube channel.
She began seeing some success, but she really wanted to reconnect with her spouse,
and that’s when she reached out to me to sign up for my 1-on-1 confidential email coaching.
From our email correspondence, I thought to myself, “Man, I should make a YouTube
video out of this”… and so I did! Does it feel like you and your spouse
are roommates instead of lovers? Are you worried that they already have one foot out the door?
If so, don’t panic. Because like Avril, I’m going to try and help
you through this very difficult situation. My name is Brad Browning, I’m a relationship
coach from Vancouver, Canada and today I’m going to talk about how you can get your spouse
to recommit to your marriage. A fact that many of us overlook is that being happily married
is a tough skill that most of us weren’t taught, which is why it’s completely normal
for spouses to hit a bump in the road from time to time. I work with married couples
who are working on making a brighter future together, and believe me when I say that
as long as your spouse is still there, it’s completely possible to get them to recommit.
Here’s how. 1. Control Your Emotions
When you realize that your spouse isn’t fully committed to your marriage it’s important that
you keep your emotions in check. It’s completely normal to be upset about the situation,
but blowing up or pleading with them to recommit to your marriage
will push your spouse further away and make you appear undesirable. Instead, learn to control
your emotions so that they don’t see the negative emotions you may be feeling. Doing so can make or
break your chances of winning your spouse over. It can be really easy to get aggravated when
things aren’t going well between you and your spouse, and little things might tip them or
you off. So instead of accepting this state of mind, try and have a coping mechanism that you
can use when you feel like you’re about to burst -- it could be doing something as simple as yoga,
going for a jog, or reading a book. Or, if you’re too busy to have an outlet like that, look up some
breathing techniques that you can do on the fly. I’ve been reading this great book called “Breath”
by James Nestor… and he talks about the science of breathing properly and stresses the importance
of breathing through your nose. I’ve since started focusing on some deep nose-breathing
exercises that have helped calm my nerves through stressful days… and it’s been great.
So do your best to try and control your emotions during this difficult
time because angry or hysteric outbursts will only make matters worse right now.
2. Become the Best Version of You
This may sound a bit odd considering your spouse is the one who needs to recommit, but if you want
them to give your marriage another chance then YOU need to change. This doesn’t mean you need to
completely change who you are, but rather change your behaviors that are negatively affecting your
marriage. For example, if you have a habit of walking away when your spouse is sharing their
concerns with you, then that is a behavior that you need to change. Once you show your spouse
that you are willing to work on and improve yourself they will re-engage with you and be more
open to giving your marriage another chance. Just really try and analyze your own
behaviours throughout your marriage. Are you addressing your spouse’s concerns correctly?
Are you doing your best to listen and be mindful of your spouse’s wants and needs? Do you think
you’re doing anything that annoys your spouse that you could easily fix? There are a ton of
things you could consider when improving how you interact with your spouse on a daily basis.
In Avril’s case, she felt like she was nagging a lot. She came home from work always tired,
and she just didn’t have the energy to take care of the kids. So instead of having a
constructive conversation about what chores and responsibilities should be allocated between
her and her spouse, she took out all of her frustration and energy in the form of nagging.
For this, I told Avril that there are better ways to have those conversations.
I told her that these conversations should never be done in the heat of the moment. Instead,
pick a time to have that conversation separately when things are more relaxed. And weave it into
an existing conversation calmly, naturally, and positively. Together, we came up with this line:
“Oh hey! By the way… is there a chance that we could figure out a better way
to handle the kids after work better? I’m just feeling super overwhelmed right now…”
This was a great way to introduce the issue, and Jesse reacted positively to this interaction.
There were many, many more examples of small things we fixed in her behaviour
that made massive differences in their marriage too… So again, do yourself a favour and try to
pick apart your interactions with your spouse to see where you could improve.
3. Listen to Your Spouse Many marriages fail because one partner feels
that they aren’t being heard, so get your spouse to give your marriage another chance by actively
listening to him or her. Your spouse needs to feel that you value their opinions and beliefs,
and that they can talk to you about anything. Even when your spouse says something that’s
hard to hear like “I need space,” or “You have a temper,” it’s important that you demonstrate that
you’re listening by making eye contact while they speak then paraphrasing what they have said. These
simple steps will make your spouse feel loved and respected, which will go a long way in convincing
them to give your marriage another chance. Sometimes it’s easy to zone out when your
spouse is talking. After all, you spend a massive amount of time with that person and it takes a lot
of willpower to listen to their every word. But listening to your spouse is incredibly important
if you’re trying to reconnect with your husband or wife. And listening is only
the first step here – properly responding to your partner makes a huge difference as well.
In Avril’s case, Jesse kept talking about his back pain. Everyday he would come home from work
moaning about how sitting all day has really been ruining his lower back. Avril and I read between
the lines and realized that Jesse was trying to communicate to her that he needed help with
some of the garden work outside. Because of that little tidbit of information, I encouraged Avril
to put on those gardening gloves and go to town on the weeds that had been infesting their backyard.
After 3 hours of weed pulling, Jesse showed appreciation by doing all the housework,
cooking dinner, and taking care of the kids… so this was fantastic news.
So, again, try and analyze your interactions with your spouse and see if there's anything
they’re trying to “sub communicate” to you. It could make a world of a difference.
4. Pay Attention to Your Spouse All people need love and attention,
and this is especially true in marriages. Make your spouse feel attractive, loved, and needed,
and show them regularly how much you appreciate and want them in your life. A great way to do so
is by complimenting them, or making time for them even if it means rearranging your own schedule.
For instance, you could wake up earlier than normal to have breakfast together, or spend a
few extra minutes before bed talking with them about their thoughts. Your spouse needs to know
that you desire them, so pay attention to them. Another really easy way to let your spouse feel
acknowledged and desired is to simply touch him or her. For instance, make an effort to always
touch them lovingly as you walk by them. Give their shoulder a rub, give their hand a hold,
or playfully slap their bottom if they’re heading out the door. Tiny gestures like
this add up, and it can help pave the road to reconnecting with your spouse fully again.
5. Romance Your Spouse Romancing your spouse can
do wonders for your marriage, and it’s one of the best ways to help your spouse recommit.
To get you started, think back to the days when you and your spouse first met and fell in love.
You talked together, laughed together, left each other sweet notes and held
hands everywhere you went. Getting in this mindset can help with your romantic side.
Next, bring those romantic gestures back into your marriage. Make plans to go out dancing
Saturday night, rent your favourite movies, or wine and dine together. Whatever you choose to do,
make it something that will reignite the spark between you and remind your spouse why they
fell in love with you in the first place. And here’s the thing, you don’t need your
spouse’s permission to do something romantic. Take initiative and get them flowers or make
them dinner. Light some candles or turn on the fireplace and pop a bottle of wine.
Doing stuff like this can really show your spouse that you’re trying to make an effort.
6. Surprise Your Spouse Similar to romancing your spouse,
you can also show them how much they mean to you by surprising them. Whether it’s giving them a
sweet card, calling out-of-the-blue to tell them you miss them, or having a bath drawn for when
they get home, the point is to do something totally unexpected to surprise and “wow” your
spouse. When these types of surprises return to your marriage, your spouse will start seeing the
effort you’re making and how your relationship is improving… and this will encourage them to
give your marriage another chance. 7. Get Professional Help
When marriages get rocky it’s not uncommon for friends or relatives to suggest that you and
your spouse see a counsellor. For some couples doing so can work wonders, but for others, they
may not feel comfortable. Since your spouse isn’t completely committed to the marriage right now,
this could be an option you’d like to explore. However, if you're worried that even asking your
spouse to go to counselling with you will only push them further away, then you may want to go a
different route. For instance, you could consider my Mend the Marriage program. This is something
that you will be able to do one your own, and you can get started right away. If you’re interested
in finding out more about how the program works then visit www.MarriageGuy.com. I’ll be sure to
post the URL in the video description below. Alternatively, you can look into registering
for my marriage coaching service. For more information on how you can sign up for that, just
go to MarriageGuy.com/coaching. This is ultimately what Avril decided was right for
her… and let me tell you that she DEFINITELY did not regret it. I’ll let you know how
everything turned out at the end of this video. But the important thing to know is that BOTH these
options don’t require your spouse’s approval. You can sign up for either product or service and get
started now, on your own, without your husband or wife’s participation. So check out those links
after this video. 8. Be Patient
Even though you may want to see your spouse come running back with open arms, the reality is that
reconciling a marriage can be a lengthy process. It takes time to work through issues that caused
the distance between the two of you, and even more time to feel ready to fully reconnect.
There will be days when you feel like you’re making progress, and days you feel defeated.
Keep in mind that progress is rarely linear. The best thing you can do in this situation
is to be patient and commit yourself to making the marriage work.
I’ve seen marriages fix themselves overnight just by giving my client some simple advice,
and in other cases, it can take months if the damage is extreme. Regardless,
when you decided to marry your spouse, you decided to commit to him or her.
Marriage isn’t supposed to be easy – but it is incredibly fulfilling when you do it right.
So keep that in mind if you’re feeling impatient. 9. Tell Your Spouse You Love Them
Lastly, tell your spouse how much you love him or her every day. Tell them in the morning when you
wake up, throughout the day and at night before bed. Just be mindful and read the situation before
spilling your heart out. If your spouse is feeling smothered or overwhelmed by your affection,
then know when to back off. The end goal is for your spouse to understand how much
they mean to you and to remind them that you are willing to fight for that love.
In Avril’s case, this was the piece of advice that really skyrocketed her success.
She began expressing verbally how much Jesse meant to her every other day. This had a profound effect
on how Jesse began treating HER in turn. Together, Avril and I discovered that words of affirmation
were one of Jesse’s “love languages”… that is, the kind of behaviour that he values and appreciates.
And due to that little tidbit of information, they were able to rebuild their marriage from
the ground up. I’m happy to report that after just 4 short weeks of e-mail correspondence,
Avril and Jesse couldn’t be happier… and Avril feels like they haven’t
been this connected to each other in years. If you want to be another one of my success
stories, then I highly encourage you to either sign up to register for my Mend
The Marriage program or sign up for my email coaching service. The online course is one of
the best-selling online courses ever made when it comes to teaching couples to reignite their
marriages. To register for that online course, simply head on over to MarriageGuy.com/order.
And again, if you want to sign up for my email coaching service like Avril did, then
simply head on over to MarriageGuy.com/coaching. It’s a LOT less expensive than you think it is and
you could receive coaching advice that might change your marriage forever. Again,
just head on over to MarriageGuy.com/coaching and sign up today. My space is REALLY limited,
so make sure you sign up if you see there’s room. Alright, that’s it for this video, guys…. Thanks
very much for watching, and thanks for your likes and subscribes as well. See you next time!